Living with a recovering alcoholic

General health and lifestyle
1

I have lived with my partner for the past 4 years and when I met him he liked a drink, but at the time, it seemed just sociably.  As the relationship progressed, so did his drinking, if we were out socially he would end up so drunk and quite embarrasing on a number of occasions.  The drinking stepped up a notch when we bought our own place and for the past 3 years it has become a problem within the home more times than I care to mention, going from barely being able to speak, not wanting to do anything unless there was alcohol involved in the activity, making promises and reneging on them, wetting the bed, starting arguments when there was nothing to argue about, the culmination of this behaviour has been that 2 weeks ago he moved into the spare bedroom where he drank a bottle of vodka every night on his own, only to pop downstairs to start an arguement with my sons or me.  I told him I wanted out, house to go on the market and go our seperate ways.  With that he made an appointment to see his doctor, who in turn said if he continues drinking what he drinks, he will be lucky to live beyond another 4 years... he is only 40 years old.  He has confessed to me since the visit to the doctors that he's always drunk more than he should and has struggled with alcohol for the past 20 odd years.  He has moved to his parents to start his detox and has to go back to the doctors in two weeks to let him know progress there has been, also he's been to a meeting with  Inclusion, previously Homer, it was just an initial chat, they have given him some material to look through. He will go through an assessment following on from the next doctors appointment, and will then be assigned a key worker who he can chat to and will support him.  I suppose what I want to know is how I'm supposed to behave towards him, whilst I still have feelings for him, I'm not sure I want to sign up to be with him forever as I just can't believe he will never touch a drop again.  He's emailing me saying he still loves me and wants to get married when he's sober, but whats the reallity of that?  Do I tell him the truth that I can't stay with him or do I give him time to start the road to recovery without any stress from me?

  

2

At the end of the day, you have to look after number one (you & your children).

First off, I'm alittle unsure of your last few lines. Do you want to give him another chance, or have you made your mind up, but just don't want to tell him right now, so as to add to his stress and push him further into the drink?

I need to understand (and others giving advice) which route you plan to take, as the advice differs for each route.

3

I suppose I'm a little undecided.  He stopped drinking for 9 weeks earlier this year, attending AA meetings every week and was a different man I would have been happy to stay with him and move forward, but with all the things he blames his drinking on, his stressful job, the fact that he feels responsible for a family, which he's never had before... I can't see how either of those factors will change (unless he changes job and he's not with us)  My lads are 25 and 15 so hardly children.  The 15 year old seems sad for his "step dad" and the 25 year old is just polite unless my partner is being rude to me, then he will stick up for me.  I guess I want answers that alcoholics can reform and stay sober.  How long should I give him before he can move back in staying off the alcohol.  I want a Deed of Trust put in regarding equity in our property if I give him time, but he's saying he just wants time to recover before thinking about anything legal.  i don't want to be wasting my time...

4

I'll come back a bit later with a longer reply, but just to say, most of the people you speak to (metaphorically) on here were heavy drinkers/alcoholics and many of us (I'm including myself) have managed to shrug it off, it is possible, it is hard, and almost all of us have had a little relapse at some time, but that is usually short lived, as we know we can't go back to the way we were.

5

OK and thank you.  I just feel I don't really know who to speak to as my friends and family think I should leave him, but I know deep down inside he a fundamentally good guy, kind and caring - the demon drink makes him something else :-(

I think I just need to hear that he can change and that life will resume albeit he won't be able to drink at all, which again is worrying when it comes to social occasions, stress at work etc etc

6

Alcohol addiction is an illness, not a life choice. Some people's bodies react differently to alcohol than others and that means that their drinking gets out of control. I have never agreed with punitive treatment for a problem which is not the fault of the sufferer. I also disagree with the humiliation of a person standing up and taking the blame and saying how ashamed they are of themselves. You wouldn't tell people with cancer to do that.

You clearly care about him so understanding his issue is important so you can give him the best support. OF COURSE, you cannot have your life ruined if he decides he doesn't want to sort out the problem, but he ought to at least know the options available to him first so that he can make the best choice for himself.

Have a read about The Sinclair Method which is by far the most successful treatment method available in the world today with a 78% success rate, compared to less than 10% for any other method. It's a medical treatment and not a psychological treatment, which makes sense as alcohol addiction is the result of a medical disorder.

There is lots of information on this forum about The Sinclair Method and about the drugs used for it (Naltrexone and Nalmefene.)

You will also find plenty of information by Googling 'The Sinclair Method.'

7

Thank you Paul, I will look at the Sinclair Method.  I understand it's not a life choice for him, although telling me that he knew he had a problem with alcohol before he met me and my then 10 year old son, letting me believe he was one type of person and then revealing that actually he had the problem before he met me, but thought it would get better by being with me wasn't a life choice I would have made had I been in full possesion of the facts that he would choose the bottle over the wellbeing of me and my son.  In all of this, I am trying to ascertain whether he will ever be able to stay dry forever and I guess there's no real yes or no answer, but not sure I can live with the uncertainty of it.  However, not wishing to push him further into any misery, I am trying to be positive with him in that there will be life after being an alcoholic.  Maybe, I'm in the wrong thread, maybe I need to talk to people living and loving a recovering alcoholic... its like being in a dark tunnel and having nowhere to turn to as anyone not in my situation is saying "get out before he destroys you" :-(

 

8

So, many things and they can't all be answered in one post, because there needs to be a dialogue. Anyway, you've heard from Paul, one of the few professionals on the forum, he is very unjugding and pragmatic, his advice is worth listening to.

Regarding the deed of trust, this will ring alarm bells. You may think that an alcoholic doesn't have his wits about him. To me, that would signal, you're battening down the hatches and you're about to leave and protect your assets. Don't underestimate an alcoholic, you can't kid a kidder.

You need to decide whether you are going to give it a go, or cut your losses. You've been married before, I don't know what caused the failure (I don't want to know), but that has probably scarred you a bit and you don't want to end up in the same situation.

As regards speaking to people, talk on the forum, if you really want to talk one to one, I'm sure there are many that you could PM and have a telephone conversation with.

Demon drink, well it affects as all in different ways, I was always a happpy drunk. never fell over, got aggressive or blacked out, my body told me when I'd had enough and my homing device took over and I just went home.

People can change, I did and many here have also done so. I did a stint in hospital before I knew I had to call it a day, or my GP gave me 5 years tops, and he is an honest guy. In the beginning, social ocassions are best avoided, it is difficult, but the best way to start, is not to be put in circumstances where you will be tempted to join in the alcohol. Later in life when the thoughts of alcohol have recinded, you can then rejoin and keep to soft drinks. My wife drinks, I have no problem with her having alcohol in the house, but I would not like to go to the pub (village pub, where eveyone knows you and you always have a laugh) because it brings back too many memories, happy ones, that I can no longer enjoy.

I think at the back of your mind, you want to rescue the relationship, but don't want to get burnt. Maybe an ultimatum, in a kind way, not blunt, that it is you or the drink, might focus him. But you have to be very careful how you word it, because you could send him reaching for the bottle, if not said right.

9

I understand what you are saying MrsGee.

He CAN sort it out because people do and you will find examples of people here who are doing that. Nobody can tell you what decisions you should make. It was only my intention to ensure that you were in possession of the facts because I would have hated you to walk out on him believing that he chose his illness. Having said that, people with alcohol problems can be hell to live with if they don't get them resolved and everybody deserves a life with choice

 

10

Do not cheat yourself or your family.  This man needs to prove he can be sober for year before you even consider..moving back in together and definetly before you consider marriage.  I am an alcoholic....AND I can tell you...I have made numerous promises to myself and to others...one time I did stop for 8 years. 

But I started drinking again 2 years ago...and I have been unable to STOP again for any significant amount of time no matter what is at STAKE.  My 8 year break from alcohol changed my life...and only after a year could I be trusted not to drink.

Also, I went to AA and they always said....never make any BIG decisions MYSELF...until I had a year sober.  You are risking too much. 

I now live with someone who never told me he had a drug problem....and for the last 3 years...we have been living together...he has been using drugs heavily....I'm at my END with him as well...because I KNOW that addiction is powerful.....I know he makes promises..just as I have and can't keep them.  Mine is a toxic relationship...and so is yours.

ESPECIALLY you can't put your kids thru this.

I'm sorry you bought your own place with him, I'm sorry that you fell in love with someone on the basis of not knowing his drinking history, I'm sorry that you are suffering and that he is suffering from alcoholism....AND...you can not put any of you back into that situation.  You are the one with the level head...and I'm sorry...but you really have to use your head and not your heart sad

 

11

The Sinclair method would probably be wonderful if he were to GET SOBER.  He is not a recovering alcoholic...he is an ACTIVE alcoholic wanting to be recovered....maybe he can use the Sinclair method...or some method...but he has to....do all this on his OWN...without bringing it back into his new family. 

What WAS his "fault" was he did not give this woman an chance to make a "CHOICE" by telling her his TRUE STORY.

I agree with you (Paul) that this is not something an alcoholic asks for...and shouldn't be punished....and I am a FULL BLOWN alchy- so I do fully understand

However, I've also been on the other side of the fence too....and this is definetly not something her or the boys asked for either and

It is 100% his responsibility to fix his "Lie" and if he wants this family and this woman to trust him...he needs to do some work FIRST (using Sinclair...or whatever he CAN)....FIRST before involving her anymore.

And she has 100% responsibility to make sure she isn't inviting more disaster into her life and around her children. 

12

Also MrsGee...You can not push anyone any further into misery..you don't have that power.  WE individually are supposed to have control over our own issues....and if we don't have that control...we are individually responsible to gain that control if we don't have it.

What I'm saying is...you are in control...of your happines

....and he is in control of his. 

If it is going to make you happy to move back in with someone who mislead you (probably because he loved you - twisted). And if its going to make you happy geniuely to be with him with no regrets (after talking it out and ACCEPTING he may drink)....than that is what you do.  I don't think this is going to make you happy.

So...if he is going to be happy getting sober and really wants to be with you and your boys...than he has control over making a choice at this time...And he has to make the choice. 

Anyone can "push" him at anytime...He has to make a choice that he isn't going to DRINK no matter what..you can't make that choice for him.

You will hate yourself if you get back involved for HIM and not for the right reasons.....you can't save him...

13

Missy,

I take it that you had a bad day yesterday, that is unlike you to be so negative.

14

I'm not saying people don't make mistakes, Missy and only MrsGee can make the decision what she should do. I just wanted to ensure that she was aware that he is suffering an illness which is no more his fault than it would be if his illness was cancer but it is fair for her to insist on honesty now.

I'm not going to comment further on this because there is only one person who can decide what to do and I wouldn't want to be involved in a 'she should, she shouldn't' debate because none of us live her life and it would be unfair.

15

Thank you Misssy2 - I feel so sorry for you and the fact you stayed off alcohol for 8 years is amazing, I can only assume your relationship doesn't help either - I can understand why people turn to drink to numb the pain and reality of sometimes, what is a harsh and hard world.  I would be a liar to say I don't drink, but not to excess night after night, but when I do, I enjoy the  feeling of strength and confidence that I'm ok.  I'm a smoker, so I guess thats my addiction and if you said you cannot have another cigarette again... I would struggle big time - so I do understand an addiction to a certain degree, but I guess smoking unless in a room full of people who don't like the smell, doesn't affect my family or friends on a daily basis.  I really hope you find a way to stop drinking x

 

16

thank you all who have commented on my post, I am so pleased I found this group - the honesty and support you have with each other is great :-)  I want to post this photo I found the other day....

17

Thank you Paul, I'm going to try and take life one day at a time.  He is staying with his mother for the foreseeable future, so at least life is calm in our house. 

And as for being hell to live with... I've given up 3 jobs (good jobs) as the stress of being called or emailed at work when he's drunk telling me to get home and sort my son out (he just hadn't come home from school on time) coming home and facing a belligerant, bullish and angry drunk wasn't what was needed at the end of a working day, listening to him saying nasty things and then not remembering what he said, has had a big affect on my self esteem and confidence to get back out into the working world... but today I have a job interview - so baby steps for me to try and gain back some of the woman I was before I met him :-)

18

hi mrs gee, am sorry i would just leave him before its to late,waiting for a change whats not going to happen, ive been drinking for 27 years made every promise in the book ,but never kept to it, once i had her back, she said she wasted 15 years with me , now at 55 she fills to old to meet some one now,and that hurts becuase i do love her,but i also love the drink, am 47 and with a new person and doing it all again,but this is my first week trying to stop,and i start a new job in two weeks time,and will not be able to drink, as you are breath tested, so with what am doing now and job will work for me, i could tell you so much more but i hate txting,and this site as help me,an the people replying to you have reply to me, they dont no it,but they have all help me along my new journey , ive had kids wife every think, but lost good people cuz of drink, i hope now my life will change now,new job partner of 6years it will all stop and she come back to me when she see ive changed,i no not every one will agree with what ive wrote,but i say it like it is,and the truth and no beaten around the bush, like i said i have 27 years of heavy drinking every day less i was to ill to not drink that one day, so get out while you young, before its to late. longest txt i write yet, but you story intrested me and remined me of my life.                       good luck

19

Thank you Andy, at 51 years of age I'm feeling I'm too old to start again with someone else.  I hope you manage to stay off the drink and that your relationship and new job give you the incentive you need - people who drink aren't bad people, just made bad choices :-(

 

20

Your response is what I'm looking for.  As its early days (2 weeks) I'm very weary of making promises I can't keep - and yes I did think the Deed of Trust would probably set alarm bells ringing, but unfortunately, I won't stay on board with him without it... too many broken promises have definitely scarred me along with my ex husband leaving his family for another woman - I'm a very caring, loyal person, but can and will only be pushed so far.  I'm keeping my distance with him at the moment although have said I will go back to the Doctor's with him a week Thursday and see where he's at.  He knows its me or the drink this time