I just registered for this site bc I am completely overwhelmed & dont know what to do. My BF is an alcoholic when I met him a year and a half ago I had no idea ... Thru A LOT of love time and support I got him to a three month excellent rehab out of state dualDiagnostic etc he did amazingly well only to start drinking horribly again after all the education that cost him tens of thousands of dollars the fourth month before he came home ... He finally came home through my help and was detoxed at home he was again off alcohol for a month only to start again a month later ... It has not stopped . I am SICK worried don't know what to do his family has turned their back on him - I can't let him stay with me cuz I've tried I've have done it before but I worry I won't know what to do when he starts shaking or gets sick ... I love him goes without saying and have and will do ANYTHING to help. But he can't stay with me. spo the last time he was detoxed about a month ago i took hinm to a hotel - I Am worried sick cuz in the last two weeks since i have seen him - he has said I'm selfish cuz he's spending so much money on hotels and although I know I'm the farthest thing from selfish I can understand why he feels this way but i have tried the scenario of his living with me and he just continues on the same destructive path -he needs professional help . The last time I saw him was two weeks ago now from us being together pratically every day, nornign and night - this is heartbreaking. I keep hearing the same thing from him that I'm selfish that I'll die alone cuz I'm selfish calling me everything you can imagine ... I never say anything mean back only lift him up with positives and every day try to suggest to him that we go to yet another detox then Rehab ... he said he wanted to see me in the last couple of weeks but he was drinking and I just couldn't do it for my sanity so I told him I was working which was true ... Now in the past day and a half he's gone from text maybe 3 a day (from being together all the time ) and now nasty vile vulgar texts to me and about me two days ago ... It is a complete switch so I don't know where he is for the first time since ive known him - he has sent me videos of himslef and he looks horrible pale white and so drunk its awful .. I am at the brink of tears every day and am so worried .. I do not like Al anon at all there's no discussion there only talking and then a "thank you for sharing" it's not for me. Please please please give me guidance I am desperate what to do why has gone from a million texts a day to hardly anything ... Is it becuz i have been askign him to go to detox and he doesnt want to hear it and so he is pushing me away becuz i represnt sanity and the "right thing" - or is it beciz i havent said yes yet agin to his living with me which is what he seems to be so angry about - he wont stop bringing it up = I HAD TO take a break cuz my mental health was at risk not to mention all the time I have missed with my Work I was at risk of losing everything .Will he regret hwo he is treating me when and if he sobers up - is my staying away smear or will he resent me for it - He always spoke of getting married and we were the perfect couple - . Please respond
Hi
I really feel for you and the situation. I am someone who has a problem with alcohol and unfortunately your BF doesn't sound as though he has admitted to himself that his drinking is a problem and truly accepted it.
It is well kown that this problem doesn't go away overnight and it may take a few attempts at detox. I'm a great believer in getting to the bottom of what started the problem in the first place. I myself know what started my drinking although I still have to find a way to put it behind me. Maybe your BF needs to talk to a counsellor.
Maybe you could do with talking to someone yourself and using this site is a good way of venting your fears and anxieties. Seeing other peoples point of views from both sides can be quite therapeutic.
There's always someone around to speak to I wish you luck and your BF is very lucky to have a friend that worries so much for them. Maybe you could get them to register for this site they may benefit from it.
Thinking of you.
Sandie
Hi Quadrillion , first off you cannot "fix" your BF only he can make the decision to quit - he certainly does not seem to want to do this right now- rehab is a waste of time unless the addict goes for the right reason - FOR THEMSEVES - addiction is a really selfish disease - alcoholics/drug addicts lie,cheat,steal and manipulate everybody around them to get what they want ( i have done all of the above) the alcohol will always come first, when he is drinking- that is all that matters to him -where is the next drink coming from -
you have some hard decisions to make- sorry but there is no road map or easy way to deal with this situation - the name calling and abuse are typical, when an alcoholic doesent get his way- it will always be all about him- when he is drinking-
relapse is a very common occurence for alcoholics, it can happen anytime- getting sober is relatively easy- staying sober is the real hard bit- i went through many years of relapse before i stayed sober for any length of time-
you need to start looking out for yourself - now for the ugly bit- do you want to live like this, you will never know when he may relapse- never know when you will be let down- what happens if you have kids - the world of addiction is full of pain and the ones who get hurt the most are always those that are closest to the addict- do you really want to live like this- sorry but there is no point in trying to sugar coat it - i have been sober for ten years, but i still have to work everyday at it and have come close to relapse many times - you get no gaurentees with addiction -
my honest advice, you cannot trust him until he has demonstrated to you he has done something about his drinking over a sustained period of time (months, not weeks) and is commited to working at staying sober - meanwhile you need to concentrate on looking after YOU - remember you are not responsible for his addiction or his recovery - DO NOT LET HIM MANIPULATE YOU INTO FEELING GUILTY ABOUT HIS SITUATION - HE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS ACTIONS AND MUST LEARN TO LIVE WITH THE CONSEQUENCES- you have to be realistic - look after you and your future - his future is in his own hands- he must make the choice to get help and stop drinking - i wish you all the best -
I cannot tell you what it means to me that U would take the time to write all of this advice. I thank you from the bottom of my heart also that u read my post. I am so heartbroken and I feel like yes he is trying to make me feel bad for not saying "yes" to his moving into my home again but it would be the same horrible path he needs help - professional help- and I feel after EVERYTHING I have done to watch out for him to care for him he has focused in on this one thing - the fact I've said no to living with me- it's impossible to think it would work ive tried twice and the last time no sooner did he come out of detox he was drinking within days it was horrible .. The first rehab he was doing great and stayed sober for three months but fell off in the fourth month. What I do t understand is his anger towards me ?? Just a week ago he was calling me to say how much he missed me and at least wasn't being cruel vile and vulgar the texts he sent me this past Friday anyone else would walk away - I maintained love towards him not bc I'm a doormat but bc I have compassion for him. Can you explain his anger towards me? I have not been in touch with him since our last exchange on Friday I typically let him reach out .. He texted me this past Sunday saying something to make fun of me being alone ... He's being nasty I didn't respond . This is a man whose entire family adores me. He talks about getting married all the time blv me when he is not drinking he's a completely different sweet thoughtful considerate kind amazing man. Will he regret what he's done and said to me? Will he look for me when he realizes I'm staying to myself ? Or will the fact I haven't allowed him to move in again be the thing he want let go of ! Or is that just a manipulation tactic?
Thank you so much again for your help your thoughtfulness and everything I am a mess and reading your post helps me more than u could ever know xo
While I don't disagree with the comments from Sandie and pmcg, I do have something different to say.
You (and your boyfriend) have been taken in (the the vast majority of the population) that this is a behaviour disorder and all his fault. In Rehab, he will have had to go through standing up and admitting his shame and guilt about what he has put other people through.
Now, imagine for just one minute that alcohol addiction was a physical illness and is no more his fault than if he had cancer. Now imagine cancer sufferers being made to stand up and talk about what terrible people they were for having cancer.
I am going to send you a link to a page on my website which explains that people who become addicted to alcohol do so because their body reacts differently to alcohol than the bodies of people who manage to control their drinking. It is a physiological differenceand it is not the fault of those people who get into difficulty.
I know that it is hell for you to deal with but it would perhaps be easier if you knew about the recent research which makes it clear that alcohol problems have been treated the wrong way for many years. It would also be easier for him if he had an explanation which made him understand why he does what he does.
There IS a treatment method available which has a 78% success rate compared to less than 10% success rate with traditional rehab. It is called The Sinclair Method. You will find plenty of stuff about it on this forum and also about Nalmefene and Naltrexone, the drugs used with this treatment method.
Good luck Quadrillion. I really hope that you and your boyfriend find a positive way forward. Look at the private message I have sent you too.
Sandie thank you so much for this and for caring ... This has been so hard for me I am literally living hour by hour trying to get by becuz I have no idea why all of a sudden he is become so angry with me . I know he's an alcoholic but what I don't understand is the change from reaching out for me to saying the most hateful things to me ! It's as if I never existed in his life as if he could care LESS about me .. Will he come around and realize how badly he's behaving and the horrible way he's hurting me? Thank you agin and God bless you
Paul THANK YOU ! I am going to look up Sinclair ! I do not know how to find my private message I am very new to this site. I also agree with you becuz so many of his family members are "mad" at him and I understand they've endured this much longer than me but no matter what I could never be mad at him only that I feel horrible that He Is going thru this now alone! I never planned on not being there for him it just seems that in the last two weeks it all unraveled like that ..; he came out of detox I picked him up and brought him to a hotel ..( his family kicked him out he had been staying with them till recently and mostly with me) but I brought him to a hotel becuz I KNEW he couldn't stay with me it WASNT WORKING ... In not sure if I can even reach out to him with advice becuz he is so mad at me .. His last text was vile horrible and even though I responded to him with love and that o believe in him every time I look at his text it makes me not want to respond to him until he says something nice or apologizes either /or in order for me to even try to be nice ... I'm not mad becuz of his disease but I am upset that he would take all my offers to help him and be so conokrtky cruel!!
From your point of view will he come around and feel bad for how'd he treated me or not? Thank you so very much for all the time you put into writing me ... If I could tell me how to find private messages it would help thank you Quadrilliom
At the top right of this page, you will see your name and under that is your points and a link to your 'Messages.'
I believe that if you could tell him that you know it is not his fault and that you want to help him sort things out, he may feel less frustrated. I am not blaming YOU for how you have reacted but his feeling will be that NOBODY understands and that is why he hits out in anger. Try not to be too upset by it. I'm sure he doesn't mean to hurt you, he is just struggling badly.
Hi young lady...Paul always gives excellent advice and support as he is a special alcohol worker....
It is a truly terrifying addiction, it took me many, many. Too many to count..attempts at giving up, I was sectioned into a mental health hospital four times,...it took 12 yrs but I managed it....
He will be terrified of how out of control. He is, also terrified of having to cope without any drink....
He will feel ashamed, useless, ugly, hateful and so many other things, but the overwhelming emotion is terror !! Honestly, I have been there....please don't give up on him, he is lashing out through self loathing....and disgust....
It can be done, I have been sober for nearly 13 yrs....on the way though, I had many, many many slips...
He will need your support and caring, because he will want to hide away...he probably has health problems also...but these improve also....it would help if he was hospitalized.....
I truly xx TRULY WISH YOU BOTH WELL...GOOD, LUCK..DEIRDRE XXX 🌸 🌸 🌸 🌸
Deidre first thank you! Here it is almost 4 in the morning and I can't sleep. From us being inseparable to not talking ! This is just terrible and I completely agree w you that he is scared that he hates who he is when he drinks that it is self loathing etc .. And I have tried over & over & over this time to tell him I believe in him that I am here for him and will take him to a detox and a rehab whenever he wants as of this past Friday I asked if I could get him and he was just horrible in his responses and the things he said in text to me it was as if he never even loved me and I Know He is scared and this is not about me but what do I do now? He told me to lose his number ! This is a man that I was with day and night and knew everything about including his innermost fears and hopes and dreams so this is why this is so difficult . On the one hand I realize he is lashing out but on the other if he really loved me or if I meant anything to him would he really be capable of saying such horrible mean cruel and vulgar things to and about me? To be clear I am NOT angry and I so want to send him a message but I don't want to set myself up to be crushed because BLV me I have tried and tried and although he's been lashing out I have been nothing but supportive .. If you could suggest or if Paul above could suggest what I COUKD write to him it would be so helpful , this is making me sick and I am not able to sleep or really eat I heartsick I love him so much but feel he's just forgotten about me . Does that happen can he just forget about me becuz the alcohol has taken over so much he doesn't want to hear the words detox and rehab? So he's staying away or is it that he wasn't able to manipulate me into letting him live with me? It was something I tried and it just didn't work ... Please reply please suggest what I should say ...
Paul thank you for your suggestion and for your insight. I have repeatedly told him that I know this is not his fault it is actually the exact wording I used he just does not want to hear it as a matter of fact the more I texted or told him this the more he would pull away ... Or he would send me links to psychiatrist web sites and lash out to tell me to get counseling ... Blv be with what I've been enduring with all of this I sure do need counseling... The more u persisted saying I would get him abd that I had all the resources lined up the more he would reply that I was selfish that if I truly cares I would of let him stay with me and live with me BUT like I said I tried that and it just continued down the sabe destructive path it's been on.. He has plenty of money to stay in hotel but for him he said there is no way that I found justify my stance of not letting him live here with me and he made it into some stalemate as if I was all if a sudden a rotten uncaring person when blv me Paul I have been there for him for EVERYTHING for everything he needed and supported him thru it ALL. In light of what ive told you and considering the fact I hAvevt heard from him since his last nasty texts of Friday -4 days ago- (with the exception of one text this past Sunday when he sent me one very short text that said "how's the cats lmfao" which was his way of reinforcing his repeated saying to me that I'll die alone with my two cats) i have not heard from him since that text of Sunday which btw I did not reply.. The last text I sent him on Friday was that I still believe in him and that I know he's stronger than this and that I know he can do it . I've told him repeatedly in previous mags that I am here and will together with him take the steps he needs to get back to who the real and perfect person he is always letting him know how truly wonderful he is and that o know he wants it too and that he can do this and that I'm here to help ... Yet I know what he's thinking and that is if I truly cared and loved him he would be living with me! This is terrible cuz I don't know what to say can you suggest what I can write to him please now knowing I have been supportive and also knowing what his responses have been ? I do not want to lose him. Is this something he will regret? Will he come around and look for me like that brief text on Sunday although it was meant to taunt me about my cats it was his way of trying to initiate contact I know it was but I didn't reply becuz the things he said the friday before that were horrible and I had responded to those with kind words. I so appreciate any advice you can offer me as to what to say or text him that might work re helping h him and re my stance on his not living with me and my decision that it's not that I don't love him but it's because I want him to get the help he needs please help me with how to word this to him so he'll understand I havent abandon him thank you so very much !!!
The big issue for somebody in his position is the pressure that is being applied. They have their body giving them hell for the next drink and then they have the people who care on their back about not drinking. As you say, they lash out. No matter how supportive you have been, he will see you like he sees everybody else, as being in the way of what he feels he needs to do (drink). I have seen many people who are madly in love with a person push that person aside when alcohol is dominating their thoughts.
The best thing you can do is send a message saying that you understand that what is happening is not something he chose to suffer. Say that you are there if he needs you to be, that you will help him find a solution if he wants you to. Tell him you have more understanding of his condition now after doing somne reading online and that you have seen some modern treatment options that could potentially allow him to drink in a controlled way, rather than having to totally abstain forever.
Then leave that with him, telling him you will contact him from time to time to see if he is ok, but that you don't want to impose on him so will mainly leave it to him to make contact if he wants to.
I know it's very difficult but this is typical of a person in trouble with alcohol. They can isolate themselves with their drink and push everybody else away. Try not to take it personally. I know it's difficult, but it is typical of addiction.
As I said before, people with this sort of problem would be less like this if they hadn't been bombarded with the message (from family, health professionals and society in general) that the whole situation is their own fault and that they deserve to be in trouble. It's really time attitudes changed.
He's lucky to have a person like you who loves him regardless of his difficult behaviour.
Paul I just re read my message to you and becuz its so late there areant typos I am sorry I should of fixed them but I believe you will get the gist of what I was saying. Also if you could possibly look at my message to Deirdre becuz it touches upon what I'm feeling in a different way. That's only if you have the time I am thankful to the time you have taken to reach out to help me. I am so scared I've lost him from my life and cannot believe that if someone said this would be happening two weeks ago I would of laughed , that is how close he and I were - we were inseparable ! How can he go from adoring me to nothing just becuz I didn't comply yet again to him living with me ? It IS THE THING that has made him turn -so to speak - on me - that and of course the alcohol ... But deep down I always feel like he should when he is by himself be missing me and regretful for how and what he said to me last. Btw I believe he is now staying with a few people who I am assuming are drinkers also but I do not know really what his living situation is the last o knew was a week ago where he was staying in a hotel but as of last Friday I not sure exactky where he is living. thabk you again
Hi it's me again would you be able to look at some of my messages to Paul and Deirdre below and suggest help I don't really know what to do its 4 am and I have to be up at 6 am and I don't know how to write on this as a general post as opposed to a reply to each ? I appreciate your help and suggestions and would appreciate any more advice. Thank you
Paul omg thank you at this late hour to reply ! One thing is I have not been texting or calling him in these last two weeks ( which btw is the length of time it's been since this all went sideways) I have only been responding to his texts or answering his calls but not initiating anything and that's not because I don't love him it's only because I DO T want to bombard him - to use your phrasing - becuz I know his family has cut him out of their lives and may be - I don't know - but may be sending thoughtless texts to him - and that breaks my heart. He didn't ask to have this disease and I know done get angry thinking he has a choice . I have also repeatedly told him it's not his fault but he does have accountability to himself to who the true "he" is to love himself and realize how worth it he is to look to the light ... When he is with me he cries cuz I know o touch a chord in him ... This is so devastating. I will send him a text along the lines of what you suggested . I am so afraid he will lash out . What do I do if he tries to hurt me and mention the fact - which he seems to be stuck on - I didn't let him stay with me? And what if he tries to say cruel things or insinuate that he is with other people now and doesn't need me - he is being nasty and truthfully I'm afraid of his devastating me with his words. thank you !!
Paul sorry just wanted to know will he finally come around will he reach a point when he wants to stop where he comes looking abd reaching out to me ? This is all so new to me?
HI quadrillion, oh bless you my lovey..xx
Paul has given absolutely great advice....I am sure that he feels as cornered as you feel lost xx try to keep your faith and spirits up
..as an alcohol I found one of the worst things was being watched when I drank...EVERY MOUTHFUL...I used to feel so horrendous inside that one evening I had literally run to the nearest shop to by half a bottle of vodka....I suddenly panicked and ran off....hours later when I sneaked AROUND the corner....THE POLICE WERE THERE....ALSO MY WONDERFUL BIG BRO..HAD COME FROM COVENTRY...( miles away. ) TO HELP SEARCH FOR ME..
THE POLICE HAD TO SEE ME TO FIND THE REASON WHY I HAD GONE ( in case I was being abused. ) and everyone was crying...I totally wished at that point that I had committed suicide
..I had hurt so many people...
It must be so very very hard for you LOVEY..xx
I can think of a.couple of things that MAY HELP YOU BOTH...
1) could you ask people to back.off a little....as you truly do feel cornered... and just support him instead with a measure of understanding...
2) could you try very hard not to watch him drinking, my god some of the places I hid it..AND DRANK IT....IT makes you FEEL ,LIKE YOU HAVE JUST CRAWLED OUT FROM UNDER A STONE...
just make sure that he knows just how much you love him and that your main worry is his health...
When you are drinking you feel very. Very, very fragile emotionally. And a big lovely hug, lots of them..makes a huge difference...
You sound like a LOVELY, lovely person with a very loving heart and soul..xxx just keep being there for him quietly and lovingly...
Also..PLEASE PROMISE THAT YOU WILL LOOK AFTER YOURSELF....YOU ARE VERY IMPORTANT TO MANY PEOPLE...WHO WOULD MISS YOU SOOOO MUCH, IF ANYTHING HAPPENED TO YOU....
I wish you so much love and happiness lovey...you are in my thoughts and prayers...take care of yourself my love...also your partner......hugs..DEIRDRE x xX 💖 💖 💟 💟 💖 💖
Deidre thank you for your perspective it is a perspective that many others who love an alcoholic should always keep uppermost in their mind ... It is so easy to get mad at the alcoholic as if they are doing it and drinking simply because they want to which could not be farther from the truth ! It is a demon that takes hold and it must be terrifying I have considered all of this and the connection that the hiding the alcohol or trying to hide it "dilute it" so it appears to be juice must be part of the shame and embarrassment .. Many times I have told him "I know you're drinking and it's okay " and then would go on to say " well it's not okay becuz I'm worried about you and I love you" but would then suggest detox or rehab and he would go along and make the calls to get a bed ... But since I haven't had him living with me the entire scenario has changed flDeidre and I don't know what to do or say or text him .. If you read some of my other posts on this conversation my struggle is that he's said some nasty vile things to me and now I'm not sure if I leave it and let him search me out (it's been two days ) or text him to say something?
Deidre one other thing do you feel he will eventually come around and look for me or have I lost him forever? Will his resentment that I haven't said yes to his living with me supercede in his mind EVERYTHING in the world I've been thru with him?
Paul if he replies to me with nastiness yet again when I text him - that I know he didn't choose this for himself and that I'm here for him - and he tells me to F off and to get lost and to lose his number - do I then reply or stay silent ? Cuz essentially for the two weeks this has been in the situation where he's not living woth me the entire first week I kept telling him I would take him when he was ready to rehab and that I believed in him ... And for the last week bridge this past Friday I was offering to get him to help take the steps "together" and all I got was nastiness this last try it was horrible ... So if I try saying something like this again what do I do if he responds even nastier .? I can't hug him like Deidre suggested cuz I don't even know where he is now. We were insepeerable and now I have no idea where he is .. I do feel so lost like Deidre described it is lost and beside myself ...