hi so about 2 months ago i did something really really stupid to see if my boyfriend was loyal and i have no idea why i did it because hes extremely loyal but anyways it backfired because he responded for a little and then completely blocked the "person" (me) who was talking to him. Long story short, the next few days were hell and i started over-thinking everything. Then after this, i fell into this horrible, i guess you could say, depression that was so disgusting and i started questioning my boyfriend and my life and i felt that my head was going to EXPLODE. All of this doubt in my relationship made me more anxious and i felt like literal shit. i started having panic attacks nearly everyday and i cried all the time and i guess you could also say that i started getting some anxiety. i started looking everything up on the internet and this gave me some calm but i know that its not good. the fact that i might be falling out of love with my boyfriend makes me SICK TO MY STOMACH because the love we have (?had) is beautiful and this came out of nowhere. i also started experiencing this weird thing where id feel like everything was fake and it freaked me out. i have moments of "clarity" where i feel like i look at him and i love him but i cant hang on to those for the life of me. i feel so off and all over the place.. i feel sick and hurt and talking about this with people sometimes makes it worse because once someone told me "maybe hes not the one" and that "im stealing him from someone else" and i started screaming and crying. i love him but i feel like my thoughts are getting in the way of this and i feel like breaking up with him is NOT the way to go at all. i cant be apart from him for more then 3 days and i cant admit it to myself because i tell myself "no, you can" but i can not. all i can think about is him and i cant focus on myself and i just want back what i had before. also mentioning that my parents got divorced in a really bad way where my dad left from one day to another and i never really dealt with it might be useful but im starting to convince myself that its just specific to the relationship.
Sorry you are going through all of this I know it must be very distressing to you.
You need to find out if he wants to have a Relationship with you or not. if he continues to block you for an extended period of time, then you have your answer. No relationship can be forced. Both people have to want it and if one doesn’t, then it’s time to MoveOn.
Sounds like you’re having a great deal of anxiety and de realization where things don’t look real. That’s all part of stress and anxiety. It won’t hurt you.
this is a good time to take some time to figure yourself out. What you want, your feelings, your thoughts, your goals, etc.
I know you really care about your boyfriend but don’t base your value on another person. you have to be strong and together on your own, that’s what makes you a good partner for somebody. !
you might consider speaking with a counselor who can help you manage all of this! It’s difficult to do this alone because you get lost in your thoughts and anxiety increases. It’s best to discuss with someone who has the tools to help you. Take care of yourself