Lots of Problems--Need Advice

Mental health
1

My name is Dane, I just joined the forum a couple of minutes ago, because I'm looking for help with myself. I guess I'll just dive into this.

This will be a long post, so if you want to skip to the bottom where I will summarise my issues with a list, and just answer according to that list, go ahead. If you want to read a little background, continue reading.

My issues started back in Kindergarten, when I moved to a new city. Immediately after moving to this city, I was thrown into turmoil. In the school I had to attend as a mandatory, I was put in a class with kids whom were roughly 3-4 years older than I. The teacher I had was incredibly rude. At lunch, I had brought my own because I didn't like caf' food. I had an orange Scooby-Doo lunchbox that all the kids made fun of, so I wouldn't even set the thing on the table and eat out of it. Throughout that school year, I came across all kinds of undesirable teachers and peers. I was alienated at the end of it all.

That year was just the beginning.

School years 1-5 were okay, though they had their down moments. Most of the time the teachers would talk down to me and other kids would berate me.

In middleschool, things didn't improve. Same crap.

In High school was when things got worse. Y'know, cliques and whatnot. I didn't fit in any of these cliques/groups, not even the loners or nerds. Needless to say, I was alienated as always.

By the time my mother took me out of school, I had been held back twice and only had two friends.

These three years after that have been nothing but an avalanche.

A quick list of issues I've accumulated over these past three years:

-Complex PTSD (I often have nightmares about high school, among other symptoms)

-Manic Episodes (extreme bursts of anger are most prominent)

-Bouts of depression that come and go

-Suicidal thoughts (I've actually had these since 2011 or 2010)

-Self-loathing (I hate how I look, I hate my body, I hate my ugly face, etc.)

-Feelings of abandonment (I feel abandoned by my friends that haven't contacted me since I dropped out, and I feel abandoned from the people who tormented me)

Here's a few twisted things that run through my mind (I WOULD JUST LIKE YOU TO KNOW THAT I WOULD NEVER DO THESE THINGS, THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS)

-Homocidal thoughts (not necessarily wanting to kill everyone, only the people that do wrong in the world like rapists, child molesters, animal abusers, etc. It's more of a vindictive/vigilante thought process I suppose)

-Wanting to interact sexually with a few members of my family (They're all between 1-20 years OLDER than me by the way, I'm not some pedo. Furthermore, it's not like sister/mother crap or something, I'm attracted to HALF-Members of my family. Not like that makes it right, however.)

Anyhow, with the last one above, it's only partially my fault. When me and my half(?)-niece, whom is a year older than I, were alone in the house, we kissed and such. (We were only like ages 3-5 or something, so we didn't know any better) Anyhow, over the years the thoughts of that day have stuck with me and I've lusted for her since.

Eventually this lust would expand to include my half-sister (her mother) as well.

Yet at the same time, I legit HATE my half-sister and her side of the family(ths includes aforementioned half-niece) because they do nothing but mooch off of my mother for her money and stuff. And when they visit for a dinner or something, they don't really appreciate the hard work my mother puts into making the meal.

Now, most of these issues of mine have been addressed to professionals, and I have been on medication and have seen a therapist, but neither of these have helped.

They wanted me to take a med that's suppose to make me happy or something, but a side affect of that medicine is weight gain. I already weigh 260 pounds and I don't want to gain anymore weight, therefore I haven't taken that medication yet.

Okay, enough typing. I'm going to summarize my issues with a short list.

-Manic episodes

-Bouts of depression

-Complex PTSD (professionaly diagnosed)

-Homocidal Thoughts

-Suicidal Thoughts

-Feelings of abandonment and hopelessness

-Feelings of self-loathing

-Extreme outbursts of anger and rage (probably a part of the manic episodes)

-(Forgot to mention this) Extreme lazyness, though I do things when I have to.

-Meds have not helped, nor has therapy/counseling

I'm just a 19-year-old wanting to feel better, people. I haven't even been on this earth for twenty years and already I am filled with hatred, apathy, envy, bitterness, among many emotions. And I'm already done with this life.

Helpful advice is all I'm looking for, negative and derogatory remarks will only make things worse for me. I don't want hotline numbers. I don't want a SWAT Team at my door. Just helpful advice and understanding.

Thanks in advance.

 

2

are you in therapy? Complex ptsd needs counseling, even group counseling is useful.

3

Yes, though it hasn't helped much.

4

What do you think would help? 

5

Have you taken any meds for all this? Ik you noted you were scared of weight gain. What if the meds work and the. You would be able to think clearly and be much less exhausted(i do not think its laziness, i think your mentally exhausted and over weight)  you clearly need a healthier diet, that all by itself will help you feel better. If you dont know what diet just look up heart healthy diets and grab one to guide you. Then start slowly. Walk a little each day. Twenty minutes at least at a time. You are all you got. You need to be your own friend here. Re think the medicines aspect. Maybe discuss this with your therapist because the swing side here is relief and you deserve to be happier and calmer. 

6

I have considered taking the medicine today, hoping that if it does help me, I'll be motivated enough to get rid of the weight whenever I get it. And for the record, I walk 20 minutes to an hour each night before I go to bed. Anyhow, thanks for your advice. 

7

Youve had a hard time of it and I am sorry that you were bullied which has severely affected your attitude to life.  I suggest counselling and then maybe a girl friend when you are more stable.

Richard

8

This is a tough one. Unfortunately I have to be somewhat "cruel to be kind". I'm in a similar position to you, in some ways. I'm 20, female. Over the past 5 years since I left high school I've had acute problems with my mental health, and it's literally been all over the place. Currently I'm only properly diagnosed with severe depression. However no other formal diagnosis have been made because I too am a complex case. I've presented with anxiety, manic episodes, suicidal thoughts, starvation, body dysmorphia, self halm...I can go on. I've constantly felt like I really need extra help. I'm always struggling and a lot of the time I simply feel like I can't go on, I've had the odd thoughts similar to what you describe, I wouldn't act on them at all. Most of them is worrying about my capabilities in my job role, but I've thought about doing all sorts of things. But the important thing I have to remind myself is that I don't do them. I dwell too much on the thoughts, every single person has these odd thoughts cross their mind but some people, like me and you, think too much and realise how weird the thoughts are therefore begin to wonder what's wrong with us. We are normal human beings, yes we suffer from mental illness but the most simple fact is that we are normal. I have acted on some of my intrusive thoughts. Ones that involve hurting myself. For instance, multiply hitting my wrist in the same place over a period of a month. I've overdosed 6 times in total, once damaging my liver that much I needed longer treatment, I've been told I may not be so lucky if I do it again. I'm covered in scars up and down my body. The type when I go on holiday people stare at me everywhere I go. I feel okay when I'm with my boyfriend but with family I can sense they feel ashamed. More recently I've been struggling with my self esteem. If I've felt embarrassed or targeted in anyway, I've quickly removed myself from the situation. I can't cope with a lot of the way I feel, but I have to all the time. I've been on multiple medications which haven't helped me at all. If you're in the US then maybe you'll get better help than I do. Im in the UK and mental health services are awful. I can't afford private insurance at the moment. Anyway, the point of my reply is that you are okay and totally normal. Yes you have a couple of problems, so do I, but the only thing to be done is understand that you're okay, once you begin to realise people won't actually see you as different to them, (not in the way you perhaps want them to anyway) you will begin to realise the only thing to do is attempt to forget about problems and try and live normally. I really do understand that's easier said than done. I was in your place not long ago, I just wanted someone to give me a solid answer but there isn't one. You've already got much further than I had at this point, you seem to understand where your problems begun! I'm only just figuring this out now and I'm nearly 21. Anyway, I hope you understand where I'm coming from, life is hard, and pretty sh*t at times, but you will get through it!

9

Hi Dane,

I can relate to a lot of your experiences as a teenager and younger but I wish I had the understanding and ability to articulate it as well as you - some self-awareness would have helped me a lot during my 48 years. I think the most important thing is that you have a clear understanding that your thoughts do not have to rule your actions (these took me years to learn and a course of group therapy in mindfulness). What to do with all that anger and frustration - that is the key. It's great to hear that you are getting regular exercise - this will contribute to your overall health and motivation so much. I'm sorry that therapy work hasn't worked for you but there may be other groups and there's always other therapists. I'm not sure a drug can really help you to feel better about yourself, although (in my humble experience) it can alter your mood for the better and numb negative emotions. Therapy has helped me to see myself and the outside world differently. I still don't really like other people (much preferring the company of canines!) because they can be bullies and manipulative. But there is also something beautiful about this mixed-up planet. Often trying to do something for other people has taken my mind and energy away frfom my own problems and put things into perspective. It can certainly boost your self-worth and self-esteem. This is not a cliche: you are a unique person with something valuable to contribute to this world. Without that contribution, the world will be a poorer place. That's not meant to put pressure on you to make a contribution. Take your time in finding in yourself what that contribution could be. Whatever you do, please don't give up on yourself. Bad experiences throughout childhood have formulated the person you have become today but they don't need to define you forever. I have plenty of regrets about the past but I keep hope for the future burning in my heart (especially on those days when I don't feel I've got any fight left in me and feel like giving up). Please channel your energy into something positive. Start with seeing yourself in a more positive light. Find yourself positive phrases and mantras to say to yourself. Something that you can believe. If you believe it then others will see it and believe it too. Do you have a good relationship with any of your family? You write very fondly about your mother. Is there anyone who knows the real you?

Keep writing on this forum buddy. We want to support you :-) We'd send a SWAT team to your door if it would show you how much we care about what happens to you ;-)

Take care

10

I also have PTSD...but recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder..which a main component for diagnois is ANGER and OUTBURSTS due to frustration.

​Feeling empty

Not knowing oneself.

many other sypmtoms

​On psyche central another forum there are a variety of quizzes you can take and Borderline Personality Disorder is one of them. The quizzes are obviously not to diagnose yourself but to talk to a therapist and determine if you have an unidentified disorder.  The positive thing about determing what we have is learning how to approach the issues with therapy or medication or both.

​I too..had a crappy childhood...some of the things you mention...like abandoment also point to BPD.