Managing my anxiety ... Social/parenting/relationships

Mental health
1

This is the first time I've ever turned to forums for help and advice but I'm running out of things to try and really need some advice from people who are probably going through similar things to me, so here goes ....

Initially my dr diagnosed me with depression but through various trips to the Drs, researching myself online and going to see a therapist I've figured out its anxiety I suffer from which can lead to me feeling depressed of it last for long periods of time but definitely stems from anxiety. It affects me in many different ways and i guess what I'm looking for is ways to tackle or even manage these "episodes" or feelings better. I've tried to break them down into different areas;

Feeling like a bad mum/girlfriend/friend/daughter :

I get overwhelming feelings that I am the worst person in the world. Whenever I am having an anxiety episode it's like all of a sudden I have no patience with my little one. He's 2 and a half and is honestly my whole life, I make him the centre of my universe and spend so much time with him but when I'm anxious I just want to be alone and to lie in my bed with my eyes closed so I end up snapping at

Him when he's really just being a 2 year old. This then leads to me feeling guilty as hell to the extent I doubt my abilities as a mother when everyone who knows me actively comments on how good I am with him. I also withdraw from my partner and am just consumed with doubt that he's going to leave me. He tells me constantly he's not going to leave but my anxiety just takes over that and doesn't believe him. this then means I can't act myself with him as inside I'm overthinking and analysing every single move he makes, every word out his mouth and take everything the wrong way. This obviously drives a bit of a wedge between us which then reinforces my negative thoughts and drives me further into my shell, it's a vicious circle.

The next part relates to comparing myself To other people. I've actually had to delete my Facebook as every time I see someone post a picture of them self, I compare my make up

To theirs, my figure to theirs, my house to theirs etc and it got to the extent it made me so self conscious and unhappy with my own self and life I couldn't cope. It's almost like I can't be happy for other people doing well, which is horrible as that's not like me at all. If someone adds a picture and their make up is gorgeous and they've lost loads of weight and are doing really good for themselves I get so angry and jealous that I'm not that good at make up, or I'm not as skinny as them or that my house isn't as big as theirs etc and I obsess and obsess so much it overtakes my life. Deleting Facebook obviously stops me comparing to people online but when it comes to social events and I see people in person it's exactly the same. I've stopped going to so many things with other couples we know as they're all prettier and skinnier than me an are all really confident and I feel like a total embarrassment for my partner sitting next to all these beautiful thin girls when I'm just a chubby self conscious mess who is sh*t at doing hair and make up, and has no really fashion sense. I feel like the whole "Facebook generation" thing has totally meased with my head and whole way of being. I've always been a bit self conscious and never the most confident of people but I had a certain who gives a f*** attitude and that's why my partner initially actually found me appealing, I seemed different to the Norm. And now that's almost the exact reason I feel so rubbish, it's crazy!

The next part is a bit strange ... My partner has a daughter who is 9 in December and she was 2 years 8 months when I met her so she doesn't even remember a time without me. My partner and her mum split up when she was about 2 months old but he has had her 2 or 3 times a week ever since then. I find when my anxiety flares up I have a ridiculous need to compare myself to her. I check her Facebook and always want to know what she's doing, what she looks like what she's wearing etc, it's literally so bad. We never see each other as live a bit apart and move in completely different circles so I never have to see her or talk to her or anything but it's like there's such a stigma about her to me I want to know if she's a good mum, and if she has a nice house, and how skinny she is, and how often she spends time with the little one etc etc. And every time I do it I feel utterly crap as she is gorgeous, tall and slim, had amazing thick long hair, had a great social life ... Seems to always have loads of money buying things and doing things, and I resent her and don't even know why. I barley know the girl.

Anyway these are the 3 main things that affect me day in day out and they are all getting so much for me I feel I can't cope much longer. Can anyone give any help or advice surrounding these areas, why I'm feeling like this, is it common with anxiety sufferers? What can I do to try and diffuse these feelings and manage it all better?

Thanks in advance really hope someone can share some advice.

x

2

Hi there

Anxiety and Depression usually follow each other, i have both probably more depression than anxiety  but i get flare ups of anxiety mostly every day.

With reference to how you feel about the little ones mum, dont torture yourself i am sure you have your own strengths and are amazing as a parent, it is often harder to take on someone elses children other than your own, believe me been there got the t-shirt thankfully they are a lot older now and i dont really see their mum anymore as they arrange their own visits now. Having said that i understand the need to compare yourself as i use to do the same thing.

Take it one day at a time and although some days are tough your partner must understand else he would not have said he isnt going anywhere.

I find journalling helps me, it gets the thoughts out of my head and into a book which stops me over thinking everything! might be worth a try, you can write anything and as long as it is where no one will find it you will be fine!

Worth a try?

Take Care

 

3

I read your post through several times and it made me feel so sad for you. It appears that constantly comparing yourself  and your life to to others is making you miserable. You say your partner's ex is tall and slim, gorgeous and with long thick hair. Well it didn't stop him leaving her, did it? There are girls galore out there, they come in all shapes and sizes. And what did he do? He chose you. That should tell you something.

It's apparent that you lack confidence and self-esteem. God knows why. You have a man that apparently loves you, a child whom you love. The size of your house and the amount of money you have to spend is meaningless in comparison.

Constantly pecking away at your partners head will be the thing that drives him away, not your "chubbiness" not your inability to apply make-up and have long flowing locks. We women are not "dolls" there for our man's pleasure. We are not arm candy, we are human beings, equal in the realtionship. We need to feel comfortable together. Sometimes we look like hell. Sometimes our partners look like hell. Life is not the "catwalk" It's reality, day to day ordinariness

My late Father, bless him, was a wonderful man, and he told myself and my 2 sisters when we were growing up, the secret to contentment in life was to look at what you did have and notat that which you don't have. It's a good ethos to live by. Wanting, wanting, wanting, simmering with envy and resentment only serves to make a person miserable, and, eventually, alone.

Be thankful for what you have because what you do have is a something that looks and money cannot buy..The rest is dross.

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Will definitely try journaling think you're right about writing it down and just getting it out of my head ... Hopefully that will help a bit. Thanks x

5

You are 100% right and the thing is I know that none of that stuff matters but it seems for me to stem initially from Facebook posts ... Where everyone has the happiest relationship and the cleverest most well behaved child and every photo taken is staged etc ... I know it's all nonsense but I seem to get so caught up in it all and I can't seem to stop. I have deleted it again but still feel the need to go back on every so often and scroll and scroll and zoom in on pictures and analyse how pretty someone is etc .... It's ridiculous but almost uncontrollable. Actually at the stage where I avoid doing things with certain people as I feel so inadequate beside them. When I write it down like this I see how crazy it all sounds but truth is that's how I really feel. Thinking of going back to counselling to see if I can tackle all these bad habits once and for all. Feel like if I don't do something soon it will just cripple me! I actually do realise how lucky I am for my partner to put up with all of this but then I just convince myself right away I don't deserve him and he can do better than me etc ... Not sure if going back to the Drs about changing meds is worthwhile too? Xx

6

I appreciate you are finding it difficult to not make comparisons. But you must remember that no woman alive posts a "bad " photo of herself! LOL It's a matter of vanity. Few people are truly beautiful in the accepted sense of beauty. And beauty after all is in the eye of the beholder. And no one has the perfect child, the perfect life. Can you imagine always having to look your very "best"? Dressed up, made up 24/7. I cannot think of anything more tiresome nor a waste of one's time and energy.

Everyone wants to be loved..It is a basic human need. If someone loves you just as you are, with all your good points and all your faults and failings, then that is a love worth having and it's the kind of love that endures and hopefully lasts a lifetime.

It is only when someone tries to change you, make you over into something you are not because that is their "ideal" then the alarm bells should start ringing

I think counselling would help you because as I say you suffer from low self-esteem. And I do feel that instead of constantly seeking reassurance from your partner, which will in the end drive him to distraction, you should sit down and  tell him how you really feel. That is if you haven't done so already. And it might be an option to talk over with your GP about your meds if you don't feel they are beneficial.

But at the end of the day you have to love yourself, as opposed to comparing yourself to others and finding yourself wanting. You have to have respect for yourself in order to find peace of mind

7

Ok, usually when we suffer with anxiety, and panic, we are not worried about anybody else,cause we are totally focused on our own doom and gloom,and just trying to get through the next min. I am thinking that you may be depressed. It doesn't sound like anxiety to me. I may have wished I was feeling good like other people, but that's it. You definitely need to talk to your doctor,and see what they say. I am not feeling it, with what your saying.

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Well said!!!

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Yeah i know how the deleting the facebook thing feels excatly, I thought that was just me hmm.  Anyway, yeah that vicious cycle is also a pain to deal with, because its kind of hard to say what you really mean because there's just so many reasons.  Honestly I wish i could give you advice but I am suffering from the same type of attacks as well.  I am on medication now, so they are not as severe as yours but, what kind of helped me was writng down what triggerd the cycle (like the face book thing) and talking about it with someone I trusted.  I don't know if this will help, but you are not alone in this! 

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Facebook Is the devil to me honestly. I think back to a time when no one really had it and I was much much happier. Now a days you're only worthy to talk to if you have perfectly shaped eyebrows, are a master at contouring, have a fabulous social life, a wonderful boyfriend and house and take perfect selfies lol that's how I feel anyway. I've been on sertraline for a few years now first at 50mg then 100mg and going back to Drs next week to see about maybe changing to something else as don't feel it does much for me x