Can't write properly as my anxiety is at a bad point, here are notes of everythjng I've been through:
Father is a narcissist, I'm lazy, "your selfish" "your killing us" cheating, laughing, was neglected at a young age and at 18, no empathy, grandiose, jealous of his own son
Mother acts as if bipolar, takes sides with him and then feels bad, she loves me but acts strange
Worried always that I have schizophrenia, Narcissist, psychopath, dissociative identity disorder, schizotypal disorder, maybe this is only hypochondria?
Low self esteem, guilty, depressed, I feel I'm not s good person
Had anxiety since I was small, live in scary household
Sister is psycho, yells at me, very suspicious and afraid, makes sounds all day, (on Effexor)family history of schizophrenia
Older new doctor was yelling at me on the phone if I go crazy it's not the medicine, he also takes the medicine (less harder to empathize)
Derealization/DP feel detached, dizzy, like I'm in a dream, feel like I'm on autopilot, can't recognize myself in the mirror, (I can but it feels weird to look at myself), first felt this when I was like 11 on Halloween, weed 2017 brought this feeling back, was smoking and got so high that I didn't remember what I was doing for the past 30 minutes looked in the mirror and was freaking out, ever since then till now 2018 I am in full blown depersonalization, can't feel my skin, always cold skin, feel invisible I come out of nowhere and family gets scared, hard to know when I should feel emotion, confused, foggy short term memory, good long term memory lately memories have been coming back small details and even smells
Attention is bad, dozing off, daydreaming when sleeping, vivid dreams, sleep paralysis
Panic attacks which induce even worse depersonalization
Don't remember if I just did things or thought about them (I know I did it or just thought but that obsession scares me because I keep thinking if I did or not)
Don't remember moving things In my room (I know I did but I'm on autopilot so I might have my phone and then put it down and forget doing that or think I put it in another area) this is ever since the withdrawal that it's been this extreme, but when I worried if I'm not me I constantly say my name and age bcuz my biggest fear is falling asleep and becoming a different person, I've had like 2 dreams where I think I was me but I was acting mean so that scares me
Feel like I don't know who I am sometimes, I know what I've always liked and did passions, hip hop, philosophy, excercise, nature, but now feel dead inside scared I have identity disorder
Was in psych ward month ago for OCD, anxiety, intrusive thiugjts foctor at my college suggested I just leave school already, wasn't eating in that school, wasn't sleeping, friends were a bit isolated doing other things like playing video games so I felt a bit lonely,and had no vitamin D, not motivated to do school work I kept having bad OCD and panic attacks about stuff I was reading online(internet is horrible full of fear) terrible teachers the reviews were warnings, at the hospital anxiety heightened from seeing drug addicts and psychopaths, schizophrenics and staff was yelling st me
In constant rumination over past events, constant fear and almost paranoia, fear episodes was up all night after withdrawal
Irritated from all of this
Friend was telling me how kids on anti depressants go crazy and I believed I was a psycho as if he brainwashed me so I called suicide hotline and they freaked out
Took ADD amphetamines prescribed at school when I was young as I "couldn't pay attention" was a "daydreamer" I remember the fear in my eyes from not wanting to take those forced meds
Was on Zoloft, fluoxetine, seroquel, by atleast 14 years old, citalopram 10mg last week and then a 5mg and now have been off for atleast 5 days
No more meds they only make me sick and I don't believe in the medical and pharmaceutical industry, they make things worse
Take CBD oil
Want to excercise, meditate, do yoga, vegan take vitamins as I have no D in my blood
Toxic unsupportive family
Afraid of what the next day brings
Was at the gym yesterday with a friend as I was isolating and I felt really pumped up and happy but later scared as it could be false hope