Saw home care team again (still daily),dr came too to review meds,were talking admission yesterday due to extreme suicidal thoughts and detatchment and I actually thought this would give me some peace from the pressures of home.Today this was not mentioned except in passing,changed risperidone 3mg a day to olanzapine 5mg once at night with mirtazaoine 45mg and zopiclone if I still cant sleep(probably unlikely I would have thought).Team suggests counnselling which I have tried but wont work as there is still nothing in my head to talk about,I think they will stop coming soon.Voices still there although Dr today says I am not psychotic,still on esure meal replacements as I vomit if I eat and still cutting leg,non of which seemed to matter today.Just when you think they understand they just show you that they dont,feel a lot like giving up.
Happy new year.
Jo
Wow the doctor must be a genius to have come up with that 'not psychotic' diagnosis, I could have told you that :roll: 
Hi Jo. It still seems to me that hospital would offer a sanctuary for you at the moment. It seems to be up to you though if you dont want to go they cant force you unless they section you. The home care team will visit until this crisis is over. I hope you begin to feel better soon.
Spectacular crash and burn on new years eve,felt low all day,fatally had a few drinks not excessive(honest)left family at party across road and promptly followed voices instructions to overdose on olanzapine.Hideous night in A&E.psych reluctant to admit so im not labelled-I am a (not working obviously)midwife.slept for whole next day and night,yesterday felt Okish,zopiclone taken away but olanzapine,mirtazapine and diazepam continue.Voices in head quieter but still cant eat,stopped self harm though for now.Feel very odd,have been able to talk more to home care team,my diagnosis of psychotic depression,seems to be the only one im going to get,not that it matters.
I still have no idea what Im going to do next. :roll:
Psychotic depression sounds about right, you havent been thinking its schizophrenia have you? No no its not, far from it 
Its good to hear the voices are quieter, hopefully in a few weeks theyll be gone completely, youve done really well considering what you are up against True you may have done this n that but you are still with us :ok:
Amworried about bi polar maybe,get to speak to dr on Monday re dia gnosis,stil v v suicidal,v empty,have fallen out of love with all the people and things I know I loved.Home care come every day to hear me say this,I guess in my job you must have a label where you dont really need one
Jo
Ah I see, yeah its hard to tell the difference :? The medications you are on arent for classic bi-polar but some are used to control bi-polar like episodes
Are you a 'real' doctor Dr Spock. You seem very kind and understanding. Get well soon Jo we are all still rooting for you. Love Pooh bear
No Im not, I was a medical student but I gave it up, Ive just read a few books
had two days where I felt like I could act a bit normal but still wasnt.I swear today I thought I could hear a conversation going on via the radio but my husband had the commentaary on and swore no o ne was mentioning a shopping trip to buy stuff for a new hiuse?!
Occassionally the suicide voices are loud,the self harm one is louder though.I have just spent a couple of hours cleaning the whole house to get away from them.Not alowed to drive now so feel very restricted,no emotions,managed to off load a lot of stuff I felt guilty about the other day and the home care team were all very pleased but it hasnt helped.I am still an odd new person in a strange body,one that still cant eat and has to vomit if it does.Im a midwife so I too should understand it all a bit better but I cant and it doesnt help.Its good to have you all to talk to though,I wish I hadnt O'd on new years eve,or rather I wish I had.
Jo hang in there you will get better. To Dr Spock: I suppose even medical students get ill sometimes? Or do you just come onto the site to view depressed people in the raw so to speak?
Yes Ive been very ill Pooh bear, I know what it feels like to be really dead
Theyre trying to stabilize your mood Jo, that could be the Olanzapine helping you feel a tiny bit better Try eating little but often, sucking a sweet is better than nothing, hopefully your body will get fed up of it if you try the ole fingers down throat job on little tiny amounts
Are you sure you arent suffering from a little hearing loss aswell, it wouldnt help matters, it causes folks to mishear all kinds of things
Hi
I think hearing is ok ,visiting Dr isnt worried,they are cutting visits to alternate days because they think Im getting better.I dont know either way,have got more liquid nutrition stuff,can keep that down but nothing else.am going to see psychotherapist re eating and self harm.i know i should feel positive but I feel nothing.pooh bear and dr spock,where abouts are you on this hideous journey,you both seem to understand a lot of the things i dont
jo
I was a lot like you but I was completely unaware I had bats in the belfry, after multiple quite successful suicide attempts I ended up in a vegative state for a couple of weeks but luckily I snapped out of it, after that and a pick n mix selection of drugs I felt a lot better, Ive been free of that depression for over ten years now
Sorry that you have been ill Dr Spock. I have had severe depressive episodes most of my adult life and various hospital admissions. I have tried most therapies but these days as I manage to hold the rest of my life together these episodes are managed with drugs. I work part time and have a home and family. I have seen people like you in hospital Jo they do in time get better as you will too.
I have had lots of depressive episodes since having post natal depression 16 yrs ago,they all got better in a matter of weeks with meds but this time is the worst ever.Visiting Dr says Im not bipolar but psychotic depressive,staying on olanzapine 5mg twice a day and mirtazapine 45mg at night.Its all about meds and therapy isnt it,they think I am better so visits to be alternate days but I am scared,theres a big void of feelings I cant face that I know I will have to soon,I mean on new years eve -my family return to find me gone,whipped to A&E and I feel nothing for their distress.If I could feel it I know I wouldnt be able to cope,but its on its way.This really helps,thanks again,it helps to know you have been the same and sound fine to me !
jo
Yeah as far as I can tell Im normal :D
Feelings / emotions are a chemical, psychological and physiological process, depending on whats going on it may be impossible for you to feel anything, its not a matter of choice
Hi
maybe going to the psychotherapist will help with the ability to feel,right now Im glad I cant.
Jo
If youve got the opportunity to see a psychotherapist take it, they seem to be getting the chemical aspects more under control Also Id be interested to know whether theres actually something organically wrong with ya
my Gp did basic neuro obs which were ok as he was worried too.he felt I seemed more animated too which is goodmbut was really annoyed that no one told him about OD (or anything since first saw psychiatrist.)i am so used now to feeling totally empty I guess I just dont notice if Im olk or not.Husband rarely leaves me alone as he is so scared re suicide but I dont think I would do that unless provoled by some awful event,lets face it,things couldnt be much worse.Unless I turn out to have some hideous,fatal condition,i dont care about that either.Am sure its the anti psychotics working not the mirtazapine,still needdiazepam which they have given me again,without all these things I would be nothing
Jo :wink: