Morning Anxiety

Mental health
1

Hello all. I'm new here and just looking for some support. I'm 49 and live in the U.S. I have really bad anxiety and depression as well as a few other things thrown in. A mental mess, really. 

I get the worst anxiety in the mornings, to the point that I have real problems leaving the house. But these last few mornings I've been waking up with anxiety with no apparent trigger. (I don't work, I lost my job. So I'm at home all the time). I'm on minimal medications (just 3 prescriptions and 2 over the counter ones). I see a new psych provider in a few weeks and I'm hoping she can help me. 

I feel like a burden. I have no energy and no motivation to do anything. It takes me all day just to get a few household chores done. My husband is angry with me sometimes for not working. He doesn't like his job but can't afford to be out of work. My unemployment benefits run out in a few weeks. I've looked for work but tend to bugger out when it comes to going on interviews. It's just too hard for me. I've filed for disability benefits but that takes upwards of 2 years to process and there is not really any guarantee that it will be approved. 

I feel so alone most of the time. I don't have anyone to talk to. A friend and I correspond via email, but that's about it. I don't bother trying to talk about things with my husband because he has enough on his plate plus he just doesn't understand. He's mad at me for being home. He's the type who doesn't really like working and would prefer to be at home. I've always supported us, with him just working sporadically at temp jobs and seasonal work as a supplement. Now we're so broke it's not funny. The bills are piling up and the money is hemmorhaged out. 

I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel guilty being home but I know it would make my anxiety worse if I worked. I tell my husband that I'm still looking for work, but in reality I haven't been. I apply here and there occasionally but never get responses anyways.

Thanks for reading my post. Sorry it's so long. 

2

Lwhitworth, hello, there! And welcome to the forum

I can relate to you in a few ways.

i was working in an environment that was absolutely awful and I could feel my anxiety begging to flare... My department lost a manager and appointed someone to stand in. This person had their own troubles and (for reasons I still do not understand,) decided that myself and another person were trying to sabotage their position as stand in manager. i couldn't deal with the abuse and ended up in a position where I could either stay and make myself ill or just leave...financially it was hard and I felt such tremendous guilt because everything was now down to my partner....we had no money at all. It was very very hard.

I do not know what your own reasons were, but you are not alone in losing/leaving a job. I sense you blame yourself for this...and I think the reason for this is the way your husband is dealing with the current situation. You said yourself you have supported him through tough times...now it is time for him to support you through yours.

I really would recommend that you sit and tell your husband your feelings...especially if this is one of the things that is making your anxiety worse. You need his support right now...

It's great that you're seeing a pherapist. I think this will really help you and we are always here, too. X

3

Good morning sillymop!

Wow, your story is mine! I spent 13 years (on and off) working for an arrogent physician (and whose family was in Hitler's army before escaping to England). She would humiliate me, berate me, argue with me, and generally made me feel as if I were losing what was left of my sanity. Firing me was the best thing she ever did. And I know it was not just me she did this to. She had other medical assistants that put up with the same thing. 

She would stand over me telling me I was doing things wrong. She would micromanage me to death. At times she would even accuse me of changing the formatting of letterhead, words, etc. I even had to rewrite telepone messages ad nauseum because she didn't "understand them". She believed that she was perfect and that the patients needed to be treated like 4 year olds. If I typed a letter for her, she would actually measure the spacing of the letters with a ruler. And God help me if I was so much off by .5". She couldn't remember from day to day the things she would tell me. And when I would correct her, she would say that she would never tell me that. I felt like I was with my ex-husband all over again. (I was in an abusive marriage for 25 yrs. Not physically, but in every other way.)

My husband now is a "dry addict" and a "periodic alcoholic". He will disappear for a weekend or so every 2 years. His last time was this past Feb. This has left me with abandonment issues as well as, I would suppose, a type of PTSD. He says he wish he could be me (because I'm home and not working.) Maybe he should be. Then he'd understand a little better about what I have to deal with on a daily basis.

At one point, he did say that I supported us and now it's his turn to support us. But that seems to have just flown out the window. Most nights we don't even talk. He gets home from work around 7:30pm. He'll sit and have 4 or 5 beers then eat his dinner around 10pm. I fend for myself. (He usually does all the cooking because he claims that I can't cook. But that's a whole other story.) I'll put the tv on to what he usually watches (we don't like the same shows, sort of). I'll sit here and play solitaire on my laptop till I feel sleepy (I take my meds at 8:30pm and they take about an hour and half or so before they kick in).

We both come from a very dysfunctual background and childhoods, so we both have our own issues. My 20 yr old daughter lives with us. She's never home because of work and spending time with her friends. He constantly criticizes her. If I say something positive he'll always counter with something negative. It's not that they dislike each other (she usually doesn't say bad things about him and when he started his other job she even said good luck and I love you.) 

I have tried to explain to him about my anxiety and how I feel. Lately, I've gotten to the point that I really don't want to live anymore. I hate my life that much. I'm tired of struggling, I'm tired of being the one to hold everything together. I'm tired of feeling guilty because I'm not working. He has no clue about those things because I just don't feel comfortable opening up to him because I know he won't understand. I have a friend whom I email on a regular basis and he knows how I feel. But he's got his own issues to deal with (he was a patient where I worked and we wanted to keep in touch. Nothing romantic. More like a big brother.) He has a PhD in psychology so he does understand. Plus he also suffers from depression and some anxiety. 

I like it when no one is home. I like the peace and quiet. I take all day to get my household chores done. I get overwhelmed  very easily, so that's why I take things slow. Also, I just don't have the energy to just keep going. 

Sorry for going on. But, in order for someone to understand, they must have a grasp of what I deal with and why I feel the way I do.

 

4

Firstly, toxic work environments (which is what you have just described to me,) are one of the most awful, stressful and upsetting things a person can go through... You come out feeling half the person you were when you started. Your nerves are shattered and your self esteem is in tatters... It makes you feel like you cannot trust people and you question why someone signalled you )or yourself and others,) out for such awful treatment. I hope you understand and allow for yourself to feel pain over this... The scenario you described causes people to have anxiety alone. People end up on medication because of this - people who otherwise dos not have or experience anxiety.

One day I had enough. I caught my coworkers looking through my bag...I have never felt so humiliated. I was lost for words and I couldn't move. My stand in manager was utterly

Convinced that myself and another two ladies were sabotaging her route to managerial status... I have no idea why.

We would be made to have 'meetings' when we should have been dealing with clients. The meetings were bullying sessions where we were told that we had no rights, essentially. And that my manager had 'head office full backing' behind her behaviour. It was perhaps the most surreal thing I have ever experienced.

I went to my doctor and asked for tablets to help me and he asked me why, now, did I want to go back on tablets - I explained my situation and he made me realise the severity of it. Not just for myself, but for the hundreds of people he saw who felt desperately trapped, bullied and penalised at work.

I relay my story only for you to realise that you desperately, desperately need time to recover from this sort of thing. It is shattering.

I know someone else that this happened to...perhaps the strongest (mentally,) person I know and it broke them.

You are allowed to feel scared and traumatised. I would really recommend that you seek therapy

For this alone ...

The person you worked with exhibited behaviour that activated memories - ditto. I feel so bad for you... It's very painful.

You say you are happy when you are alone.... Your partner seems to be part of your anxiety at the moment.

I cannot tell you what to do or even suggest things... I can sense you have been through so much in your life and a lot of pain. I really really think a counsellor would help you to talk through your feelings and find out the right path for you to take.

Your anxiety is coming from turbulence. You are not happy.

You must listen to yourself.

What could you do to be happy? How? When?

Big questions.... But you can't do this alone. A therapist will be a guide and a leaning post.

You must start listening to what you want and no one else. I sense you have always put others first but now it's your turn xxx

5

I spent years in therapy and it never really helped. I just felt like I was rehashing everything with no "cure". I was hospitalized twice for suicidal thoughts (and one with a plan). I see a new psychiatrist on the 25th. I'm hoping things go well. I think I need a change in meds but not real sure what would help. 

It sounds like your work environment was just as awful as yours. I fail to comprehend why people are like that. It only makes things more difficult. I had a friend of mine who went through the same issue with his job. I think when people get to a "boss level" they should go to some kind of class or something that would teach them how to be an effective boss without driving your employees insane. The phrase that comes to mind is "power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely". That's about the only explanation I can think of. 

I always thought myself compentent and knowledgeable in my field. It seems it always starts that way. I loved what I did, just not who I had to work with. I stopped loving what I did and hated going to work. I think sometimes they're looking for someone to blame. I think in my case, it seemed that doc might have blamed me for having to close her practice. She saw a maximum of maybe 6 or 7 patients/day. She was always after me about collecting co-pays, keeping track of who was in collections and follow up appointments. She would blame me for incomplete paperwork when a new patient would come in. She'd blame me for not keeping current the patient information. She couldn't understand how someone would forget to bring their insurance card because that's their "currency" (I never could understand that since it says on the back of the card that it's not a guarantee of payment). She didn't understand how people could forget the date their insurance became active. She didn't understand why people would cancel appointments because of work. She would blame me for the no-shows. She had even threatened to take money out of my check for the patients who had Medicaid and I didn't check their elegibility. Same with the others. She would say if the insurer didn't pay up then it was coming out of my paycheck. Fortunately she never did it. And I was advised that it was illegal if she did so.

The patients loved me and said I always made them feel better. They would relay this to the doctor. It would go in one ear and out the other. When I went back to work for her 4 yrs ago she told me that now I had no reason to be depressed because I had a job. She's of the school of thought that drug abuse, alcohol abuse and mental illness are caused by a lack of doing something with ones life. She hated her psych rotation. She didn't understand why people would just sit around with nothing to do. So much for the sympathetic physician. Although some of the patients would praise her as a good doctor. At some points she was. It was just her demeanor and attitude that would ruin it. I don't know how many patients asked me how I put up with her. 

You know, I don't think I really even remember how to be happy. A prior therapist once asked me when was the last time I'd had fun. All I could think of is the weekend hubby and I spent up north some 4 yrs ago. Other than that.... I've even lost my sense of humor. And I make it a point to not trust anyone and never believe what they tell you. It will only come around and bite you in the bum.

My current "escape" is all things British. My biggest wish is to visit the U.K and maybe even live there. I watch all kinds of shows from the BBC and itv. I'm also reading a huge book "The Midwife Triolgy" from which "Call The Midwife" show is based on. I've binged on all 6 seasons of "Downton Abbey". I'm in the middle of watching "The Great British Bake Off" and "Rosemary and Thyme". I am just finishing the last episode of "Lilies". I also really liked "Bletchley Circle". I seem to go after the short lived series! And I hate how they leave you hanging! lol And I am eagerly awaiting the 4th installment of "Sherlock". I also hear that there is a "Downton Abbey" movie in the works! 

So that's me in a nutshell, so to speak... or maybe nut house!! lol All I can do is slowly put one foot in front of the other and just make it through another day. Ugh.

6

It's sounds like this woman you worked with saw you as a threat. You may not be able to understand this and probably dismiss it, but from what you have told me (especially your relationships with patients,) she probably felt intimidated. Maybe she couldn't so easily make those connections herself.

It sounds like she was a fool. You were such a great asset to that place...the loss is theirs, not yours!

I'm so pleased that you love period dramas. So do I they are such wonderful escapism; I adore them too maybe one day you could visit the UK? I think you would love it...a nice possibility and something wonderful to aim at. You will not always be in the position that you are in now...you will find a job that you once again flourish in and your life will begin to alter for the better...

This is not forever.

You sound like such a lovely person. Please know you can come here any time and post anything...don't sit alone with your thoughts or feelings.

7

Niw how you feel. 😰 This disorder sucks! Spouses done always have the amount of comoassiin needed, they cant releate. Some are at with symoathy and emoathy but most really arent. Especially is it has a negative impact in their lives. It is all so unfair. Here you are feeling awful, filled with fear battling mental disorders, feeling so vulnerbale and you are made to feel guilty about it. Like you can control it or something. Its all awful and yes it effects every relationship you have. You are not alone at all.few partners are really and trully compassiinate in the way needed. It is very draining to have this disorder and live with someone with it. 

All yu can do love is take care of you right now. Learn about anxiety disorders, agoraphobia and treatments and heloful hints and tricks. All over utube, ointerest. Tons of books and workbook are out there. I will send you a couole of ideas and such to help get you started theu direct meesage. 

Hang in there and you love yourself no matter what. You are going thru a very upsetting time right now and being made to feel bad about it is mean. Dont berate yourself too. You need you! Too much ignorance still exists with anxiety disorders and most all mental illness really. But anxiety is almost mocked at times or made to seem purposely self inflicted.and dr. Google fool makes it like is very easily treatable which is wrong  and rude. It isnt it is a disorder mal function of your fight or flight response. 

 

8

I dont know but too many typos lately. Im sorry hope you get the point.

9

You are the nicest person! Yeah, the old bat was getting on in years. She's in her early 70's. I sometimes wondered if her mind wasn't slipping. And yes, the British/German in her gave her the ultimate stiff upper lip! She was as cold as an Alaskan winter!!

Do you have a favorite period drama? Downton Abbey has to be my all time fave! I was doing the touristy thing and looking up where to have afternoon tea in London. How lovely a thing! 

I told my husband that for our 10th anniversary (in 4 yrs) that we should go to England! It's really not as prohibitively expensive as before. I have to read about passports though. My husband has some misdemenors and a short stint in jail when he was 19. I heard that you can't get a passport if you have a criminal record. 

Housing there is soooo much cheaper than it is here. A friend of mine says she pays 50 quid/wk for her flat. I even went to real estate sites and stuff. No one is going to pop my British bubble.

I guess today will be one of my better days. Your posts cheered me up and I love talking about my British infatuation! I'm sure most would think I've gone 'round the bend! 

 

10

Exactly. It's so hard, though, to deal with this on a day-to-day basis. It doesn't help that I also have a poor self-image. I look at myself in the mirror and I want to puke. I'm 49, had 3 kids, been up to 300lbs then down to as low as 145. Things sag. I have stretch marks all over. My tummy hangs down to my thighs. Anyways.. it all goes back to adolescence. But it's funny. I look at my daughter who is absolutely beautiful and wonder how she got that way. People say she looks like me, but she is anything but me. If I could point out one person who is my hero and whom I envy it would have to be my daughter. She will call me from work just to chat. She will cheer me up and stuff me full of friend oreos while we watch tv. I text her all the time when I'm out. She keeps me balanced. 

Anyways, yes, anxiety and depression in particular are one things no one understands. You can't just "snap out of it". How I've wanted to throttle people who say that. Don't they think if I could snap out of it I would? Do they think I LIKE feeling this way? If I can make it through one day it's an accomplishment for me.

11

I love hearing about your British infatuation! I am from the UK and it's lovely to hear of someone who enjoys our culture and would like to visit! I shan't burst your bubble at all!

My favourite period dramas are Jane Eyre and North & South. O really recommend the latter it is my absolute favourite. Please please feel free to message me about swapping period dramas and books!!! That would be lovely.

There are lots of places to have a nice cup of tea in London, but I find you get a much nicer cuppa in the smaller towns

The lady you worked for does sound awful... Know that the issue is hers alone and not yours. As with all bullies, one day she will come unstuck if she has not already.

You're better than that!

12

Too bad you can't "add" people as friends. But yes, we can message each other. I'm currently reading "Call The Midwife Trilogy". The show on the telly is much different than the book. It skips around here and there as well as slightly changing the stories. But it's worth the read. First time I've sat down with a book in a while. It's almost 800 pages long. I've read all the Harry Potter books and saw all the movies! In most instances the book is much better than the movie. Which is the case with most books turned into movies. 

My period dramas are mostly pre and post WWI and WWII. The midwives trilogy is set in post WWII East end of London (around 1950). Downton Abbey is my all time favorite. The clothing, cars... and oh the manners! You don't see that today. I think I was born in the wrong time period!! lol

It's so stressful being out of work. Hubby is in a lather tonight because tomorrow is pay day and 90% of his check is going towards rent as well as next weeks'. We need groceries and gas and what not with hadrdly any money. That's why I feel guilty. We're used to living on my salary. But, in essence, he makes more than I did. He gets $11/hr for 40 hrs. I was getting $15.30/hr for 27 hours minus $100/mo deduction for a personal loan. So technically he makes more. I hate living like this. The utility company has been calling here every day because we owe lots and they want to shut us off. I could go on and on.. half the reason I hate my life.