Hello all, I'm mum to an 18 year old gorgeous girl who was diagnosed with Genital Herpes yesterday. I am feeling very shocked, upset and angry that this has happened to her. (Not angry with her)
She's only ever been in one long term relationship but did have a semi casual relationship fairly
recently. As a parent I want to support her through this difficult diagnosis and help her deal with the
changes this may bring to her life. I'm sure I'm like most parents, in that we want our children's lives
to be as perfect and trouble free as possible, but life can deal a few crappy blows and this really feels like one right now. I wonder if there are any other parents on here that can help me deal with this in a positive way? Or anyone who is of a similar age who can let me know how they really feel; my daughter is very withdrawn at the moment. She knows that I love her so very much and I am always here for her. Please share your experiences with me so that I may help her. Xx
firstly i think its amazing that you are wiling to show how much you care about your daughter by asking for advice on here, its not easy i know. I am not a parent and only 23 myself, but i have not told my family at all. this is not for fear of rejection or unwanted attention and questions, simply because i havent lived at home for some time and i feel that they dont need to know as it isnt life threatening and it doesnt affect my day to day life.
it must have taken a lot of courage for her to tell you in the first place so i'd be incredibly grateful that she has opened up to you about this at all and is willing to share this, i dont have a mother and my dad isnt the best when it comes to give me (his only daughter) advice on womanly issues haaaaa!
Go with her to her next appointment with the sexual health clinic if they will allow it and ask questions yourself, thats what they are there for in the end right?
just be an ear and a shoulder for her if you know what i mean. trying to ignore its there is hard, but eventually you accept its a part of your life that you cannot change.
if she needs someone else to talk to about this and wants someone near to her own age in a very similar situation then ask her to message me on here and ill be more than happy to answer any questions about my own experiences, same goes for you as well.
Hope you are dealing with it all okay xx
Hi there,
Thanks for your lovely reply to my post. She is better today than she was on the day we visited the clinic so that's positive and a move in the right direction. She initially thought she had cystitis but then got upset as it didn't go away with medication I bought over the counter. I spoke to a relative who works in a teenage sexual health environment who advised to get her checked out as she is sexually active. We went to the appointment together and I got called in after she'd been examined, the nurse then told me what it was. We were both really shocked, however my daughter may have already been aware it was possible as she had been looking at stuff on the Internet. We are both going back next week for the follow up appointment. I'm very lucky that she is open and honest with me, we do have a brilliant relationship, very close - thank god.
I guess it must be hard for you, I certainly wouldn't want to discuss 'ladies stuff' with my Dad! He'd die of embarrassment! I also know its hard not having your mum around when you need her; hopefully you have other people to talk to? I think this forum helps massively especially as its anonymous, we can say what we really feel without fear of being judged.
I hope nobody has judged you - you are obviously a kind and caring lady and I'm sorry that you're in the same position as my daughter. My major fear is that this will affect future relationships as I think a lot of people may be put off by GH. I know that if someone really loves somebody else, they'll deal with it, but it still bothers me that she may have issues and I hope that she's strong enough to deal with the challenges that may lay ahead. I just hope that one day soon, a cure is found. I've told her that I'm talking to you on here and also that you are happy to talk to her, she's not saying much at the moment, early days.... I know that talking to you is helping me and I'm very grateful to you. Hopefully she will decide that this forum will help her too...
How long have you had GH, how did you feel when you found out? Have you told a new partner about it, and if so, did it go ok? I hope you don't mind the questions but I can't really ask anyone else!
Thanks again, I wish you well. Xx
hello there
im not entirely sure how long i've had it as like your daughter i first thought it could be thrush/water infection and left it alone as i had no spots or anything and thought antibiotics would cure it and left it to its own thing. it was only when i eventually went for a blood test that they confirmed it but couldn't tell how long its been in my system as it can lay dormant for quite some time. i haven't had the opportunity to find a new partner and im scared to death of being rejected and having to tell someone in the first place. i have a very close friend that i share everything with and he is very supportive of me and lets me rant on about problems etc and he told me that if someone who truly likes you and could love you and be happy with you is scared off by it then they arent right for you in the first place. he is very protective of me anyway but has said that if someone is willing to put you down about it then they dont warrant your time or friendship/love etc. it could be they dont understand. i have only told one other friend who told me to suck it up and get on with life, she was right, the more bogged down you get the worse it can be for you, and can even trigger future outbreaks which none of us want again!
i just used to take each day as it comes, tell her to not let it rule her life, in fairness its the same thing as chicken pox and weve all had that at some stage! i know it sounds cliche but time is a great healer and eventually you will not even think about it, youll just go 'oh so i have herpes, that sucks but im okay, its not going to kill me and yes it may affect future relationships but i wont let it bring me down' people with much worse conditions have found love and are very happy with their lives.
and yes, this forum helped me loads as well. there is also a forum on that positive singles website a bit similar to this which is full of people asking for advice and people helping them out. might be worth a gander.
and feel free to ask me anything else, im more than happy to help in any way i can as i know how bad it can make you feel.
one day at a time, and dont tell anyone unless you completely trust them. at the end of the day its not their business. 1 in 4 women and 1 in 5 men have this, 50% of which dont even know it...makes you think!
xx
Hi!
First off I must say you are a wonderful mom for caring and being supportive. I want to share my story with you. I am also an 18 year old female who was just diagnosed with genital herpes. I am in college, I have a boyfriend, I have a family who cares about me, and I have a future going for me. I still am shocked how I could have genital herpes. My boyfriend does not have it, but he has had one minor oral herpes outbreak on his mouth when he was 8 years old, and he got herpes from sharing drinks with his mom and sister who have oral herpes. (So basically we both just got very unlucky and did not get it from sleeping around or anything) He transmitted the herpes orally to down there. I didn't even know this was possible. We've been together for almost 5 years and I was just tested positive after I was having extreme discomfort and pain down there to the point where I couldn't walk. I am not a slut, I am not dirty, but I do have genital herpes. It is something that is really hard to accept because of the social stigma. I just wanted to let you know you are doing the right thing by supporting your daughter through this hard time. She trusts you and that took a lot of courage for her to tell you that. The good thing about genital herpes is that it doesn't kill you! It's just annoying to have and comes with a very negative connotation. Good luck with your daughter! I hope my story made you realize your daughter is not alone. But I am now wondering, should I tell my mom about my genital herpes? I don't think it is something she needs to know, and it may make her feel resentment towards my boyfriend who she loves, but she may also be able to comfort and support me? Thank you and good luck!
Hi Mummapippop,
I'd say that your daughter being able to confide in you and you supporting her from the start shows you're doing everything right. Have you directed her to this site? It really helped me reading about other people going through it.
As it is, just having someone know and still treat you the same is the best feeling.
Good morning Mummapippop,
It's great she knows she can confide in you, everyone needs that person. Let me say she is not alone. 75% of the population has type 1 (oral) and 1 in 8 men have type 2 and 1 in 5 women have type 2.
I don't think many people are aware type 1 and type 2 can be transmitted other places, like someone above mentioned.
Herpes is like any other virus and there are many viruses. Chickenpox is herpes, cold sores are herpes, shingles, herpes. Drug companies have made it a big deal to sell us more drugs and somehow this virus has become shameful even though a large majority of people have it and even more carry the virus and don't know it.
Please let your daughter know there are so many people on line and there are many support groups, help groups, and lots and lots of fun groups too. If you would like to know more about them, please let me know.
She need to know it's only a virus. It does not need to change her life and she's still the same amazing person she was before she knew she had it.
Hi,
there is just one thing missing from these answers, though it is good to see people sharing good constructive information based on their experiences. Though this is not serious in health terms there is soemthing your daughter needs to consider for the future. She will need a precsribed antiviral if it flares up so that episodes are minimised. Also it is important to control the risk of any other infection, even when there are no vlsible symptoms there can be small ulcers (breaks) in the vaginal mucosa that are open to invading bacteria. It will be difficult to say but condoms, male or female type (or abstinance) are the only way to minimise this risk.
Meanwhile it is good to be there for her, I'm sure she appreciates it even though she may find it difficult to talk in detail at the moment. Special younng people's clinics are all over the place and can be very good sources of practical information. Hope this helps.
Have her take index finger and thumb of one hand and rub the bridge of her nose and take her other hand and rub the back of her head at the same time and tell herself to heal and become one with her body I have lost so many family members and friends in my life I hope she can accept who she is and be happy to be alive the glass is still half full not empty
Mrs.Vickieonfire please email me my daughter has this same deases and about to commit suicide thinking her life is over a guy will never want her or start a family with her she think someone will end up killing her I don't know how to handle this she want talk to me please help my child she's 17
Hello thank you for your post. We are in the process of getting a true diagnosis for my son. He is 20 and the urgent care gave him the diagnosis of GH. Today we are following up with a specialist to do testing.
He has been feeling shamed and very upset about it not knowing what it was and now knowing that GH is forever. He has done a lot of research and he knows how common it is. There are still many things that will need to be addressed as events take place such as dating, not being rejected, that feeling contagious.
He only slept once with the carrier and wore a condom. He still became infected but very minimal area around the base where the condom ends.
As a mother i feel helpless as I know what a great kid he is and that he is such a home body and not promiscuous but somehow this happened to him. That is what hurts him the most.
He has been depressed and want him to snap out of it. It seems that he is finally understanding what it means. No one deserves these things and somehow we can't understand why.
I would like to hear how your daughter is doing now a year later from your original post. Thank you.
Thanks God that your daughter has you as part of her support group! Believe me, it helps. She is going to have a rough time out there because of the social stigma. She needs to be brave. She has to keep her feelings withdrawn even when she meets the man of her dreams! She can only relax when she knows this guy loves her, doesn't mind and is going to stick around. Otherwise there's no point. In a way she's lucky she knows so early on in life. Some people go for years without knowing, have sex with people and later learn they've been infected all this time! The ammount of guilt they go through as a result is horrible!
Have your daughter focus on education and career hevily. It will keep her distacted and at the end she'll know she's got a steady good paying job. She'll be a success even without a man in her life. Because the odds are not that great...
Hi ,I am a mother with a 18 year also,I think my daughter is diagnosed with gentile herpes also. We are totally destroyed and I am Very PANIC I DON'T know how to handle it.i want to be strong for her but I don't know how.
My daugher, just turning 19, was just diagnosed 2 days ago. She is away at college (out-of-state) and is truly struggling. Seeing that you were in the same situation about a year ago, do you have any words of wisdom? She is terrfied of dating and the fact that everyone will know. How have things been for your daughter?
My daugher, just turning 19, was just diagnosed 2 days ago. She is away at college (out-of-state) and is truly struggling. She has only had 2 partners both in long term relationships but her most recent boyfriend was cheating with multiple partners. She has never had unprotected sex but as we now have learned, GH can be spread with skin to skin contact. She is terrfied as to what her future looks like now. She has been asked out on a date and doesn't even know if she should go because at some point if their relationship progresses she may have to tell him. I have been reading endless things online and I too could use any guidance on how to help her be strong as well as be strong myself.
May daughter 18 was diagnosed with herpes1 two months ago. She has only had one long term boyfriend, so it is just bad luck for both of them that this happened. She has now moved away to college, but has had 7 outbreaks since being diagnosed. She is already mortified that she has this, and confided in a close friend who decided to share this personal information with many others. She is so upset, I dont know what to do to help her. She feels like her life is over at 18, and is so embarressed and upset. Not a good way to start her university life. The boyfriend and her have since broken up, as she was struggling to deal with what he gave her. I have heard nothing from his mom about and am wondering if I should talk to her about it, so he knows to be careful in future encounters.
Also I am close to the mom of the girlfriend that spread this personal information about my daughter, should I say something to her? or just leave it. It really is bullying, and if it was my daughter I would want to know
So sorry to hear that your daughter is also struggling with this. While I am certainly no expert, all the research I have done states that HSV1 is so common. Not that this really helps make you feel better when it's your own daughter that is diagnosed. I too struggled with whether or not to share with the exboyfriend's parents. I have decided not to. My daughter is now an "adult" and it was her choice to tell me and I feel it is his choice to tell his parents. Just my personal perspective. As for the girl that is sharing this personal info with others, I would want to say something for sure. However, what do you hope to achieve? Getting this girl's parents upset with her will likely cause her to talk more versus just letting this settle down (again just my perspective). It sounds like you and your daughter have a very open and honest relationship similar to the relationship I have with my daughter. I would ask her. Talk to her about all the possible outcomes and if she is okay with it, then talk to this girl's mom. This certainly isn't easy by any means. My daughter continues to find out about other girls her ex has been with, some are new friends at college. She struggles with knowing she has this (no symptoms, was just tested because he was sleeping around on her with several girls...oh the joys of Tinder!) and wishing she never knew. Word travels so fast that she has pretty much decided to not be with anyone for her next 3 years of college because she doesn't want it to be known. It is hard when she sees girls all around her having unprotected sex and multiple partners when she was so selective and yet has gotten this. I hope that somehow this makes our girls stronger.
Thank you for the encouraging email. Thank goodness my daughter is away at university and not surrounded by the friend group that now "knows". The evils of social media. We are a small community so unfortunately gossip tends to travel fast... I will probably not talk to the ex boyfriends mother as she is the type that will not accept that their child could have given anyone a STD. As far as the friend that chose to gossip about something that was told to her in confidence, I probably will say something to her mom, as the mom and I have been friends for a few years and I think she could talk to her daughter right and wrong and how she has impacted someone's shelf worth. I asked my daughter if she would be okay with me speaking with the girls mother and she said yes. I have also recommended to my daughter that she get some counseling at the university to help her deal with the emotional impact of this.
Hi! Im a 17 year old girl still in high school and i was diagnosed with gh about 3 weeks ago. I have suffered from anxiety and depression for a while and this is something that has made that a lot worse. I would like to say you are the most amazing mother and your daughter couldnt be more blessed to have you. I dont have this kind of relationship with my mom, she was with me when i got diagnosed which was in an ER by a very judgmental doctor and my mom up until then didnt know i had lost my virginity. The guy that gave it to me was a random hookup and no longer speaks to me. I feel so disgusted with my self and every adult and doctor that knows has showed their obvious disgust with me and treated me like i was less than them and an idiot including my gynecologist today and my mom lets them talk to me that way. Coming from a teenage girl in a very similar position to your daughter one of the best things you can do is make sure she knows you love her and care about her and just be there for her without judgement. This will be a difficult time for her and she needs to know that someone loves her unconditionally.
Hi! I'm an 18 year old freshmen girl in college who got diagnosed with GH type 1 when I was 17 after a guy I was briefly seeing forced himself down on me. I had no sexual experience before that and the assault was enough to deal with even before the symptoms occurred.
You remind me exactly of how my mom reacted (in a good way) and I'm so glad your daughter could trust you. When it happened to me, that was the worst few days of my life and I get tears thinking about it. I was bedridden, feverish and couldn't sleep for 3 days from the pain. Had so so many sores and awful swelling. It was the first bad thing that had ever happened to me and I was on complete rock bottom. I didn't go to school (I was a senior) for weeks and I didn't see the point of living anymore. Everything I'd worried about before the diagnosis seemed so trivial and unimportant now that this had come along. I told the guy (in effort to stop him spreading it, as much as he didn't deserve to hear from me) and he complained about how sad he was, but didn't even apologize to me!
I was depressed for a whole year and couldn't enjoy anything but still had to maintain my sports and schoolwork which I somehow managed to do. I appeared normal however as soon as I was alone I'd be in tears. The worst part is when people make herpes jokes, or you're watching a movie that mentions it and everyone laughs. But you can't. Because that would be disrespecting yourself, your past and everything you've had to be so freaking brave to survive through.
My first semester I had nothing to do with guys (hadn't kissed anyone since my diagnoses almost 2 years ago). However this semester I found the perfect guy for me, and we've been dating for 3 months. It's everything I've ever wanted, and after all I've been through I know I'm now mature enough to understand what I need and I really see a future with him.
However I still haven't told him about my GH. It's got to the point where it's weird, because we definitely would be intimate by now if it wasn't for this. But I'm too scared that he won't want me, as we are only 18 and without having had this fast maturation and change of mindset from my GH experience I definitely wouldn't be ready to settle and risk an STD for someone at such a young age, even if they were perfect. I just don't know how or when to tell him so I keep putting it off. I feel like I'm hiding a big part of me and it's a burden to carry. Has been raging in the back of my mind since the first day we met, when I knew I wanted him.
If anyone has advice please reply 