To begin, I was diagnosed with GAD in 2013. Not sure what triggered it, but after I couldn't handle the constant anxiety, I went to my doctor and got prescribed to 20mg Citalopram. It was the best decision I ever made. I had no side effects except for a slight weird sensation in my head at times for the first two weeks, but after that I was back to my old self. I didn't have an issue with staying out with friends, or the constant urge to vomit (like I did before the medicine), I felt completely normal.
Fast forward to Summer of last year, I (stupidly) decided that I didn't need to take Citalopram anymore because I was feeling good and I was just wasting time taking a tiny pill every morning. WRONG. I slowly weened myself off, I took it extremely slow so I was finally off for good after 3 months (June or July 2017).
I graduated college and got engaged in August 2017. Still felt great at that time, no anxiety despite being off medication. I thought I totally beat this thing!
Fast forward to January 2018. I started to slip back into my old ways -- I'd need my car everywhere I went so I'd have an escape route, I would have a puke bag in my pocket because I never knew if I was going to throw up or not, I would find excuses not to hang out with friends, lots of other things. My fiance and I were trying to plan a wedding, find a house, all while I was attempting to start a career. I was unaware of how stressed I was actually feeling until one day it all came crumbling on top of me.
My fiance and I have 9 weddings to attend this year. I am in 4 of those weddings. Two of them I am the maid of honor. We decided to postpone our wedding until next year to ease some of my stress and anxiety. I had to quit my job due to my anxiety attacks I would constantly have at the office, so I when I am feeling better I am starting to look for a job. So many stressful things.
On Easter Sunday this year is when I had my first meltdown. I was at my fiance's grandmother's house and I just could not stop crying and was on the verge of hyperventilating. I could not pinpoint what was causing me to cry nonstop. My future mother-in-law gave me one of her Xanax (.25mg) and when I swallowed it I had to run to the bathroom and throw it back up -- my anxiety was so bad especially since I've never taken anything stronger than Tylenol, I freaked out and I couldn't keep anything in my stomach. I had to leave without saying goodbye to anyone and drove all the way home by myself with a bag sitting on my lap because I thought I was going to throw up again. I got back to my house (we live with my fiance's parents) and laid in bed, put some meditation music on, and made myself take a nap. When they all got back from his grandma's I was ok, but still not myself at all.
The next day I was still shaky, nauseous, curled up on the bathroom floor. That afternoon I called the doctor and told her that I need to get back on my Citalopram ASAP. The nurse said she couldn't get me in until May 3rd. A whole month away! So, I had my fiance take me to Urgent Care because I convinced myself it was more than anxiety and something was definitely wrong. I got the urgent care, the doctor said since I've had anxiety in the past it's more than likely just anxiety -- prescribed me to Citalopram 20mg and .5mg Xanax. He told me to start tomorrow morning with 20mg and sent me on my way.
I left feeling confident that I was going to feel better within two weeks. Boy, was I wrong. After urgent care I decided it was best that I move back home with my parents (only 20 mins away from fiance's parents) to be comfortable in my own bed. The next morning I threw up again (haven't taken the Cit yet) so I made my sister drive me to the ER. That doctor told me it's most likely a stomach bug, they gave me fluids and prescribed me Zofran for the nausea and I left. I went home and took my first dose of 20mg Cit. 30 minutes later I had extreme dry mouth, the sweatiest palms and feet, intense heart palpitations, and couldn't eat for the rest of the day. Sleeping was also impossible. I had terrible heartburn (I have GERD and a hiatal hernia) so I took a Zantac 150 (which i've done many times before) and a few minutes later my legs and arms started to go tingly/numb. Terrifying. Any noise made (especially sudden) would trigger my nausea. This happened throughout the first 3 weeks. So, I would lay on the couch/in bed with ear buds in, with nothing playing, just to block out any noise. Eventually I would just play meditation music all day.
I threw up again Wednesday morning, took my 20mg Cit and laid in bed all day. I could not eat a single piece of food without feeling sick so I was downing some water and gatorade all day. My head was hovering a bucket most of the day. I woke up Thursday morning and threw up again. I was so weak and didn't eat in 3 days. So, again, I made my sister take me to the ER. They just gave me fluids, told me my potassium was low (most likely due to puking), and gave me stronger anti-nausea pills. I continued the Cit until the weekend. Saturday morning was terrible. I was so weak I made my mom make me an appointment with the doctor and we headed in. This doctor told me he doesn't think it's a stomach bug and that it's definitely anxiety related. He ordered some blood tests, told me to throw away the Xanax because it's so addictive and prescribed me to 2mg Valium 3x/day when needed instead. He told me to stick to the Cit but start at 5mg and work my way up to 20mg. I upped my dosage from 5mg to 10mg on day 11.
So, all in all, my first week on Cit was absolutely dreadful. My head was near a bucket all week.
Week 2-3:
I kept waking up with severe anxiety. During week 2 I could not sleep for the life of me. I would toss and turn and when I did fall asleep, it was for maybe 2 hours. Also, I always shot up awake at 4am no matter what. I had a bucket next to me at all times. I had no energy whatsoever to even get out of bed. Everything was so heavy. My sister would bring me applesauce and waters/gatorade just to keep me alive. Showering was even a huge task. I had to sit on a stool in the tub while my sister bathed me. I was miserable.
My side effects were most intense during weeks 2-5. The side effects that I experienced were: dizziness, spacey, completely nauseous, vomiting, derealization, can't stop bouncing my leg/twitching my foot, very restless, dry mouth, burping a metallic taste, sinus infection-like symptoms, visual disturbances, extreme hunger pangs with absolutely no appetite, extreme exhaustion, itchy skin, headache/on verge of migraine, very heightened anxiety, internal body vibrations, trembling at times, intrusive thoughts, random bouts of depression, and heightened senses to new sensations (and would freak out about them). I threw up on days 1, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8, 11, and 14 during the first two weeks.
During week 3, I began forcing myself out of the house. Even for small tasks like getting the mail. My brother in law's son decided to have his birthday dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings and I forced myself to go. I finally ate some food after living off of broth, oyster crackers, and Ensures for 2 weeks. My leg was bouncing the entire time, but I didn't have to run away or anything so that was the first sign of recovery for me. Week 3 was also when I noticed that my anxiety would dissipate around 7pm and the rest of my night was easy and worry-free. I was hopeful that I was seeing some results. Except I couldn't ever fall asleep before 3am. Every time I would fall asleep I would jump awake in panic. Heart racing, sweating, etc. All during week 3 I would wake up every 45 minutes like this. Day 17 was the first day I was able to go to Target and TJ Max by myself and without any unmanageable anxiety. I was even able to go out later in the day with some friends and grab a bite to eat (I couldn't eat, but I drank water and was able to sit and chat with them). I began getting a headache that eventually turned into a migraine so when I got home I went right to my room to lay down. I was convincing myself that I was having an aneurysm. Googled what I could take for a headache since Ibuprofen is apparently a no-no. It was 2am at this point so I wasn't sure who to call for an answer. So, Walgreens has this cool thing where you can chat with a pharmacist at any time. The lady told me Tylenol was a good option. I took a Tylenol, freaked myself out that the Cit and Tylenol would have a reaction, and went to bed.
Day 19 I tried to stay the night at my fiance's parent's house, woke up at 4am in sheer panic mode, grabbed my keys and left immediately. It was very discouraging that I allowed my anxiety to win. But, whenever I feel like I'm going to vomit I always just want to be at my parent's house. Not sure why!
Week 4-5:
This was the week I could finally start to sleep somewhat normally. Before, I had to sleep sitting straight up due to the heartburn and nausea. I started to get my appetite back during week 4. I could only eat very, very small meals but it was comforting knowing I was getting real nutrients back in me. Day 21 was my very first good day! I had a slight headache, but I was able to get out of the house, go grocery shopping, and eat a bit of food. All thanks to my fiance. If he didn't push me to get up and get out, I would still be in my bed to this day. Week 4 was definitely a difficult one. I called the nurse a lot because I was so miserable. She told me it was up to me if I wanted to stick it through and continue and I was willing to give it one more week. Week 4 was very exhausting. All of my actions were forced. Just to stick a piece of bread in the toaster was such a huge task. My brain can't tell the difference between panic and excitement. When my fiance would get to my parent's house I would feel that panicky feeling when I first saw him and then it would eventually go away after a few moments. Day 22 is when I decided to give CBT a try. I called a few therapists and made an appointment for one.
Staying distracted is key when it comes to getting through anxiety. I have an issue with always checking in and being like "do I feel anxious?" or "wow, I don't have anxiety right now this is awesome." and then it rushes over me and i'm miserable all over again. I threw up again on day 24. I think this is when I realized that it wasn't the Cit making me sick, it was my heightened anxiety. I've always thrown up when I was nervous/anxious and since I only threw up in the mornings, I started to connect the dots. I was so hungry but felt too sick to eat anything pretty much every day for the first 5 weeks. I started to get my appetite back around day 34ish. Even then it still wasn't 100%, just the thought of food wouldn't make me nauseous.
Anyway, I threw up again on days 25 and 26. I decided that I couldn't handle being miserable anymore and wanted to begin weening myself off the Cit. On day 28 I took 5mg. I felt ok, nothing really different, just surviving through the day to get to the next one, not truly living. Day 29 (day 2 of 5mg) was my 2nd good day through this whole ordeal. I was still exhausted, but got out of bed and forced myself in the shower, did some deep breathing exercises/meditations and got on with my day. I went and got one of my bridesmaid dresses altered, got a nutrient-rich smoothie, and found a park to go relax in and do some more breathing exercises. It was a great day! So, my hopes were up that I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and it would be easy peasy from here on out. Nope! Wrong again. Although, week 5 was when I noticed my anxiety would ease around 3pm-4pm instead of 7pm-8pm. So that was comforting.
I was still feeling crappy towards the end of week 5 and thought weening myself off would be a good idea. So, days 28-30 I only took 5mg of Cit but once my parents found out, they urged that I stuck it through until at least 8 weeks. I was over halfway there and would be so disappointed in myself if I quit and didn't see the end result. So, day 31 to present I am on 10mg of Cit. Day 31 was finally May 3rd, I got to see my doctor for a med check. I told her that I decided to stick with the medicine because I read so many success stories and when it does kick in it will be amazing. I loved it last time. After my appointment I headed home, grabbed some pizza on the way, and had a pretty decent day. Still bouts of anxiety, but definitely more manageable.
My morning anxiety is absolutely horrible. It's every morning, no matter what I do it will not go away. I do the deep breathing, the meditations, the yoga, everything. And it does not ease up until about 2 hours after I get up. I'm not sure how I've managed this long sticking to Cit. The mornings may be terrible, but when night time rolls around I don't want to go to bed because I don't want the good feeling to end!
I emailed the doctor on day 33 and told her that I'd like to up my dosage. I decided not to up my dosage until after my friend's wedding on May 19th. I don't want to feel crappy while i'm there.
Day 34 was an amazing day. I had the best day. I didn't check in on my anxiety, I hung out with my fiance's family, cracked jokes, my leg didn't bounce, I was making them laugh, it was great. I finally felt normal! Week 6 was lookin' good.
Week 6 - Now:
Mornings still blow. I've had a few good days between days 36-40 where i've woken up and my anxiety dissipates within an hour of waking up. Day 36 I did end up throwing up. I went to a park to meditate and all of a sudden my hands didn't feel real, they didn't feel like my own, i'd start looking around at things and be like "whoa that's real"... It was a terrible, terrible feeling. I quickly drove home and laid on the couch, stuck in my ear buds to listen to meditation music, and try to put myself to sleep so the feeling would be over. There were days out of this whole experience when i'd feel like I didn't know who my sister was or even my parents. It was so scary I didn't think i'd feel normal again. I was supposed to go to my first therapy on this day (day 36) but had to cancel because I shot awake and had to throw up immediately. Day 38-40 weren't terrible but they also weren't great. I felt "blah" a lot. I emailed my doctor and told her I think upping my medicine would be a good idea. She wants me to up it to 15mg before I go to 20mg since I seem to be so sensitive to them. Day 38 I went to my first CBT session. I felt amazing when I left! I couldn't stop talking to the therapist. I didn't think i'd have much to say but I couldn't shut up. I'm excited for my next session in a few days (Day 45).
Day 40 was THE BEST day ever. I finally stayed the night at my fiance's house without any panic or worry. I also woke up with minimal anxiety and hung out with my best friend and made wedding decorations with her all day. I ate real food, a lot of real food and it stayed down, I didn't even feel nauseous after eating it.
Day 41 - Now (day 43) have been ok. I always feel "blah" in the morning, and then it usually settles. But the past few days it hasn't been settling til later in the evening. Also my heart palpitations are back and i'm starting to not have an appetite again. I feel like i'm going backwards a bit, but hoping it's just a blip.
A few things that I forgot to mention throughout my story:
I have kept a journal of this whole experience. It is so cool to see how far i've come. I actually forgot how bad I was until I started to reread my journal.
There were a few really bad days throughout this journey. They usually happened right after I had a pretty decent day. It was discouraging but I'm glad I stuck it through
I kept confusing my nausea and hunger pangs. Thankfully the hunger has subsided, but I couldn't tell if I was about to get sick or if I was just extremely hungry.
I listen to meditation music CONSTANTLY. I always have an ear bud in. I can't sit in complete silence anymore because my mind goes on a field trip.
In my journal, I write 3 things i'm grateful for every single day. And every day I make sure these things are different. There's so much to be thankful for! Writing it down definitely helps.
I cannot sleep for more than 6.5 hours at a time, and napping doesn't go well. My body is exhausted but my mind is wide awake. I'm working on this.
There are times I lose hope and this has definitely been the hardest thing i've ever done. But with the support I have and the determination, I am soooo ready to see the end!
Thanks for reading 
Let me know if you have any questions!