I have disc and nerve damage in my lower spine which has led to Fibromyalgia, I also have Menieres Disease which is a vertigo and balance problem. I take amitryptoline and citalopram to help with the pain and for helping me to cope with long term cronic pain. Those are not the problem, my husband is. He spends most of his time upstairs in his room. My son is my carer but there are things he cant help me with, I feel I cant ask my hubby for help as he spends most of his time ignoring me or sulking because I spent money without his say so. I cope well with my conditions but I cant cope with how he treats me, he says he loves me but how can he? Don't want to live but know I have to.
"He spends most of his time upstairs in his room. My son is my carer but there are things he cant help me with, I feel I cant ask my hubby for help as he spends most of his time ignoring me or sulking"
When was the last time you attempted to make contact with your husband?
Can you explain a bit more detail as to the setting, the environment, and the event itself?
And if possible, could you describe any patterns or routines you've noticed?
tried to talk to him a couple of hours ago, but he got angry with me, the Menieres means I get confused and mix up my words, he uses this to his advantage and I end feeling stupid and that it is all my fault. I had to give up work two years ago due to the spine problems, he says it's not a problem but then makes small digs about me spending my life doing nothing while he has to work. He has never been good with coping in stressfull conditions and I have always been the one who did the coping but now I cant, I need his help. Money is not tight we have a good bank balance thanks to me but he seriously hates me spending any money and sulks, something he has done all our married life (29 years) he has spent days ignoring me when I said or done something he does not like. I have taken up drawing to keep my mind of the pain and have become very good but he rarely says my art is good. The constant complaining is taking a toll on me, I am finding it harder to cope, all I want is for him to tell me he loves me and to look after me I feel so lonely I tell him this but it falls on deaf ears
The thing is, I am not there and I'm not placing the blame on either party because I can't see what it is both of you experience, and without your husband contributing as well, it's immensely difficult to get a clear picture of what you both experience to be able to give you any fair advice. My advice would be to seek out help from an independent mediator such as Relate and discuss equally (and with an open-mind) what you feel both of your problems are in an adult manner.
To expect any advice from here is difficult when it's clearly a problem involving two (or more) people and only one of them has contributed. I'm sure there is a side that your husband would love to get across too.
I have problems with my partner understanding me and what I want to say but a lot of it is down to miscommunication and not being able to "understand each others languages of love" - for instance, your husband could be working as an act of service to you; when that service is over, he feels obliged to just shut off. You need to understand that's his language - he loves you but just doesn't do it in a way you understand.
Likewise with you, you desire all the affection, support, care and whatever else - that is your language, and he doesn't understand it. He has to learn to.
It sounds as though you relationship has been a problem for a long time, and maybe when you were well you could cope with it. I would agree that some sort of couples counselling, eg Relate might be helpful. However the crucial thing is whether your husband wants things to change, as you won't make any progress unless you both commit to doing something about it. Good luck.
Indeed.
Does your husband think there is a problem? Have you told him all the things you have said on here? He might be genuinly shocked by your feelings. If thia has gone on for years and you have never said anything it might be learned behaviour. Eg "this is what is expected of me so I continue to behave that way". Im not saying its right but its just the way he is. You may have to confront him and ask him if he is willing to change. If not only you can decide if its worth it. If you cant talk to him face to face give him a note he can read in private and respond to when he is ready maybe.
thankyou for your advice, I have spoken to him several times and he is usually a bit better for a couple of weeks but he always slips back. He's not a bad person but he just doesn't realise what he says or how he behaves has a negative effect on me, he knows he upsets me but I can't get it into his head he has to change now I'm disabled
your advice is very helpful, thank you
I don't know if you are still around here or not, but I totally understand what you are saying. My husband is much like you describe yours. One difference is, although, my doctor wanted me on disability 10 years ago due to spinal damage, other damage from an accident and Migraines (all my life) I didn't do it. He retired on disability several years ago and I am still working. Sometimes I feel he understand how dificult this is for me to continue to work with not only the spinal damage but also with Menieres but then he falls back into his own slight critical ways again. I'm so sorry. I feel your pain Sister but have no advice I feel would help you.