My Mental Health is failing me and I have no power to stop it

Mental health
1

4 years of hell in a housing association flat which included assualts and a lot of verbal abuse,

Poor physical health and so much to deal with and try to stay on top of the health problems .

Increased stress and depression and a load of severe anxiety thats stolen all my joy and made me turn into a vegatable thats on its way out.

Instead of recieving support from Landlord , from those we are supposed to look up too with respect (the Police ) I was deliberately made out through false witness statements that I was and always have been the problem at this property, a lie that I had no way to fight off in the court hearing last week that has given me 5 more weeks of a home life.

I am to be evicted on those false grounds that I had no chance to fight , I have now lost faith in the legal structure that leaves me crucified and with nothing to look forward too.

I will be homeless and on the street , with my best mate and carer.

The failures of the mental health professionals is enough to make me stay well away from a institution that is also set up to fail most of us leaving us open and so much more vulnerable to never see an ending of the pain .

They have no insight into prevention at all, they just sit back and watch as we deteriate and become lost in the pile of statistics.

I no longer have faith in asking for help from them.

Charities like MIND and others out there that once were a major force like the THT for people like myself living with HIV and AIDS are not able to step in and fill those gaps that appear.

mental health is a serious issue with Long term HIV patients.

I am now 28 years HIV posative .

I have multiple complex issues that are to do with my HIV status and I spend most of my appointment time with my Consultant who is an angel in tears and in pieces.

I have just one true and faithful freind nd he is my flat mate and carer.

He has no time to fix the problems while he is in college completing a 3 year degree.to be finished late July in 2 months time.

Emotional support has been a great help to me over the past 4 years , and has seen me through all the trials and tribulations.

But now I am under the intense pressure of having little prospects of finding us a new home while living on disabilty and with a student who has no money at all and is dependant on me for his housing, I am slowly falling back into that deep black cold hole that I have often found myself crawling out of.

But this time is so different as I am having what is essentially every human beings need to have a roof over your head, this one basic need is being taken from me and I have no right to go to my council and say you have to re home me as I was told by the legal aid barrister that due to the nature of the case it is me that has made myself intentioally homeless.

This only adds more pain to the mountain of pain which was built on sand and has no moral grounding or basis.

I have nothing but nothing to look foward to and after researching till the cows come home how to deal with this horrific situation I am isolated in myself and about to find myself at the final ending of my road.

I have had all I can take , words cannot find me a roof to live under so I can rest from all this ongoing distress, it is me that wipes every tear away from my face.

I am so tired and am losing my battle in all this.

All i can do is live on through this till the time arrives that there will not be a tomorrow.

I feel let down and cheated by those that should of protected me and allow me to get into this situation.

yet I am so thankful to those amazing souls in here who have constantly reached out to me and given me the courage to do all i can.

This is the new world order of the 21st century .

It is dog eat dog.

PJ

 

2

Hi PJ! What a bloody nightmare for you!  I'm afraid society in this 21st century isn't very caring!  Please try not to give up hope! I do hope that someone reads your plite, and can help you and your friend.  As a disabled person myself, i feel for you so much.  Don't give up hope just yet!  I know its all right for me to say that, not being in your situation, but please don't give up you have all your life to live!  Please let us know how things go with you.  Will be hoping and thinking of you.  Val.

3

OMG Ozzie, have just read your post - this is a nightmare it's true but don't give up , you must fight on there must be a way out of this mess, there must be someone who can help in authority surely this can't be allowed to happen in this day and age - can your Consultant write to anyone with regards housing, just a thought - I know you are worn down with all this pressure BUT you can fight on and win, you have to believe there is a future - would you consider living with any family members for now, maybe you have brothers or sisters or cousins that can help, they are your family and love you and would surely help - failing all else maybe it is something you could consider, I don't know you Ozzie or your family circumstances but if you feel able could you reach out to them for help ? How did your appointment go today ? 

4

Tks Val

words cannot express how I am feeling today.

they just are not enough

PJ

5

Sorry to read your upsetting thread.  Please don't listen to the barrister, technically what he's saying is text book stuff, however, you can challenge the fact that you have made yourself intenionally homeless, surely.

Please contact CAB or shelter homeless charity for advice, someone will help you i'm sure.

I don't live in England where I believe you live so the laws may be different but if I can think of any other possible solutions I will post on here.

All the best to you

6

TKS Lou

This is happening and allowed to happen the decisions are made for us by mindless people .

And  those at botom of the barrel have no say and lose out .

This is our world our Britian today .

U know me well enough to know I dont lay down easy , but this situation has the better of me , there is no escape from reality , and no family that I coudl turn to at a time like this crisis.

There is very little of me left to  now to fight onwards as every avenue turms out to be a dead end.

I have some new arisen health complications , all of them could of been avoided if the stress levels were not overwhelming.

My life sits on the balance of what is to come and I myself have little control over any of it.

I want to die in dignity and with some self respect and not on the street for all to see.

My nan did this as she was strong .

I will find the same strentgth too in time.

Words are just not enough to get through this situation , it only holds me together to gain more disapointment and rejection and to be kicked back down.

.

I do not like talking this way but as I have always done I will always say it as it is..

There is no escape from reality and no one can fix it either

Not even the best of them ...me.

PJ

7

Dear Brenda

I have done all of this and a lot more to ensure that I approached everyone and at every spare piece of time.

Nothing has been missed, I promise you faithfully

No advice in the world , no sympathic ear or sholuder to sob my heart out will essentialy provide me with my basic need to have a roof over my head.

There is not one person in the world I have come across those I have grown up with from a chile can help or have offered if they could.

It is a pointless search and an incredibly tiring one to the point I am unable to control my body becoming very sick.

I have no where to turn too today

So I am not able to continue any fight that requires energy levels I simply dont have.

Reality of life and living is made impossible when we literally cat help ourselves , life itself becomes pointless .

And when we die people all stand around and ask how this could be.

I am taking back control over my destiny and will leave this life on a high point and with dignity and self respect not in the gutter where those that are in seats of power have turned human life into waste.

Sorry if this is upsetting, but I need to stay in touch with what is reality and fact.

I cannot win no matter what I do to save myself.

PJ

8

Ozzie, you are a very strong person and will live to fight another day, c'mon look what you've been through in the past and also going through at the moment.

You are in despair and in desperate times but I have a feeling something will change for you soon.  Keep going, keep picking yourself uo, you are not beat yet.

What did the homeless charities say? Have social services not stepped in? or a support worker of some kind.  If you have serious chronic health problems then your doctor or consultant should be able to refer you on for help.

I'll keep trying to think of things to help.

Keep going !! x

9

Hello again Ozzie, I agree with Brenda - you have to find strength to keep going, you are a strong person and you will beat this in time. Is there any help you can get from the hospital, any advice from your GP or Consultant, surely with your health conditions this situation can not be allowed to happen, could any of your health practitioners write any letters to housing authorities on your behalf ? Like Brenda says keep strong if you can, we are all thinking of you and trying to think of avenues of help, try to stay positive if you can there is always hope 😉

10

Hello Ozzie,  How are you today, please don't give up hope.  I am thinking of you and praying for a resolution to your situation.  Have you thought about my suggestion to e.mail your local paper and MP.  Write a desperate plea,  about how you have been let down,  your health issues,  injustice anything to make an impact to people and authorities in your area.  Authorities don't like to read about their organisations letting people down,  bad press about them causes a back lash and barrage of comments.  Who knows the outcome for you by highlighting your situation.  Please find the strenght to write this e.mail asap. You have nothing to lose.  

Love Elizabeth. 

11

Tks Elizabeth

My health is pretty unstable at present,

I may be needing to be admitted.

I am so worn out by body aches and screams in pain.

I have done countelss things to deal in a posiative and constuctive way to sort through the problems we are facing.

Even though I am so unwell and filthy dirty due to my depression levels I have just been out this morning to the local council housing advice people.

I came away with the information of what docs I need to seek help from the local borough.

The one thing that may be decided is the fact that I have a very low Immune count now which means I am now unable to fight off any infection.

I have watched and been with so many others that have lost thier life when this occurs.

I have emailed Elton John yesterday after i returned from my hospital as I got to know him a little some years back through my late partener.

I am in contact with The THT with Stonewall Housiing with shelter housing, with my gp, and with Pace org who I have access to a mental healt advocate.

I am in contact with another orgaization called Cara here in west London and another called the river house trust in west london.

I have emailed the Lord Mayors office and I have seen my local MP for the past 4 years he has written countelss letters on my behalf as has my hospital , my Gp and others to ask the Landlord to please consider moving me.

The MP has his hands tide and has little power to do much more than write a letter that falls on deaf ears.

Going back to the Council Housing Services where I went to today, I am told that my freind will not be re housedat all and if i were to approach them they will have to investigate the court trial and will conclude a decsion from the information that they read from its findings and also from any information the Housing Assocaition supplies to them

Can I gain ANYTHING from returning to the council and asking for help even if it meant just applying for a deposit Sceme loan to help us move into a private property to rent.

My answer is I have major doubts now that this is the right road to go down.

By the time the decisions are made we are already on the street.

It is entirely up to me to find a new place to rent and live for both of us.

My freind and carer has his final exams in June and July which will be interupted by this disaster and threatens him with failing the entire course and degree he has worked so hard for.

he is my freind.

I cannot abandon my best freind, that is betrayal to me.

he is the only person that comes to visit me when I am put into hospital on a regualr basis.

he is the one that carries my shopping and takes care of me when I am to weak to do anything for myself.

To walk away from such a freind of 8  years would be to turn my back on the most decent and incredible gift I am given.

Can I trun to my family out in Australia.

The answer is clearer than ever.

if they could help me financially they of course would.

My father is 84 and divorced from my mother who is 80 years old.

They have nothing between them both and are renting in retirement villages out there and i know if they were able to help at this time they most definetely would.

My oldest sister and her husband went bankrupt 6 years ago and lost everything.

Can I ask family for help.

No is the answer.

Do I have freinds that can help.

No is my answer.

Do I have any means to raise what it takes to have a deposit and up front renat for a new home. the answer is no.

Do I feel like I am in this on my own.. yes.

I am not having a go at those like yourself that are here for me 24/7 who can provide me with all the emotional support I can ever ask for.

This is what has kept me so spirited over the past months having people really worrying and concerned about my welfare.

Its amazing and I feel blessed to have such an out pouring of compassion and love thrown at me.

But at the end of the day we all live in the real world and it takes money to make things happen.

It takes falling into the right peoples hands to make things work out.

My problem today is I am now in a free fall in my mond, my body and the spirit feels crushed because reality is we are going to find ourselves out there on the streets, and my fear is that I will never ever recover from the trauma of what has happened and why.

I hope I have made perfect sense in my explanation.

I am with my GP in 15 minutes , I was in such a mess yesterday I put down my prescribed meds for my Lympheodema and walked out of the hospital without them.

I am free falling into oblivia and I cant stop this happening to me.

PJ

12

How are you Ozzie ?

13

Thanks for asking Lou;

as half expecting people to give up on me due to my total dislusament of trying to do everything possible for myself.

As you know it doesnt take long before the positive becomes very negative and I am well aware many people are in this room have just as much pressure and issues going on, that to make comments as I had over the past few days they can be most unhelpful to others.

So I find myself withdrawing from it all in here.

My head is a little clearer today, I am feeling slighty better health wise and and once more contemplating my near future.

I am thinking of making my way to Southern Spain, for some time.

I will have to return for July 09th in time for the Court Trial number 2 where I was unlawfully arrested and charged so I can be free of the stigma and stress of what took place last October.

I am also determined to have the Police prosecuted and make a claim against them.

I am now with a Legal Aid Solicitor for this.

It wil also possibly provide some releif from the HGousing Issue we are facing , it wont change the fact that we are being evicted but it will show the Police up for the lies and cruel alegations that were made to asure the landlord we would be thrown out onto the street.

My Solicitor is very adament that the arrest was unlawful and the charges that were made up asl the same .

I cannot trust the Police today.

They are as wicked as any other joe blog on the street.

They have stringent guidlines to follow or they themselves can be seen committing a crime which is what they did in my case.

Its very upsetting to go into the details of the arrest but I need closure on it all.

Spain may well be the answer

PJ

14

Hello Ozzie, I'm so pleased you are feeling a little better health wise and much more positive about your future - yes Spain sounds like it would be good for you - it's nobody's business but your with regards your arrest, it's all in the past and now it's about your future and moving on ( says me who's stuck with so many issues due to the past ) but you have to do what's right for you - I'm sorry that you're ha ing such a rough time, and all the awful memories you have with regards to what happened to you with the police, and yes you have to deal with it in your own way, you are such a strong positive person and I know all will be well with you in the future, you know in your heart what is right for YOU and moving on would be good, I have had such a bad day with my anxiety , health anxiety really, it does my head in and holds me back from ordinary life, constantly seeking reasurrance from anyone who will listen, I know people get sick of it but it's in my head all the time and I make myself physically sick with it all, I do t k ow the answers I wish I did, honestly it probably stems from abandonment and being beaten up by my first husband, hair pulled out - black eyes - punches - he was a vile bully that I managed to escape from, then all this business with my father who never loved me, the damage people do really messes our lives up, some can move on and some are stuck and find it hard to let go, pathetic really as I'm 53 years old with two beautiful daughters and grandchildren - I truly hope you find strength and happiness in your life Ozzie, and do you know what I think k you really truly will 😉

15

Lou

Thanks for the message

I enjoy reading them all.

Being in a violent relationship is the worse.

Before I found true love I was too exposed to that and started to doubt what love was and the amount of mental damage and destruction it can do to our self worth and ebing is just awful.

I am sorry its been a struggle for you today I sympathize with you fully and certainly understand exactly what your saying about needing to express so much to thers and how so often they go quiet on us.

Its human nature I think to want to keep away when in fact what we should be all doing is coming closer to each other and finding the best way to support those in pain and suffering, but in our cold human ignorance many just walk away , the stop phoning us , the dont come around anymore and they talk about us behind our backs.

The best thing for both of us and others in here is we do all have each other and you my dear freind have shown exactly how relieant and faithful you can be forothers out here like me.

from your last message I have now discovered we are the same age lol.

Both 53.

I wonder if I am more mature in age than you.

It is my 54th Birthday on JUne 11 next month.

I am a 61 child.

I am told I look 40 or even less.

If you would sincerely like to have my contact number at home here (not a mobile or u can have my pay as you go number, I am more than happy to forward it to you so If u actually feel like chatting over the phone we can for sure do that especially if your having a crap day like today.

Its amazing to have real solid freinds in this world that we can truly rely upon to be there for us 24/7.

Like yourself I am also a Great Uncle Now

3 sibling sisters, 12 neices and nephews and around 8-10 great neices and nephews in my family.

They are all abroad in Australia but one nephew married an American girl 10 years back they now have 3 children and live in Sacremento.

Her father is a head Pastor of a massive Church in Redding , Northen California they have 5000 people attending the tabernacle.

And ben my nephew is a Youth Pastor.

Its called Bethal Ministires I think.

Hugs

PJ

16

Hi again Ozzie, thanks for reply - it's great that you are so much more positive now, you have great faith and that's such a good thing. Do you know how to private message as I don't have a clue ! If you do then maybe that would be good and chat more there! Feeling sick again with anxiety always thinking something's wrong, tonight it's my stomach - doe my head in it really does, even though I was discharged from hospital in January I do t believe all is ok, maybe as everyone's always lied !  Uuuugghh, deep apologies we all have our own issues, that's why we're all here I guess ! 😞

17

Sent you a PVT message.

With my contact details on it.

Hope you can find it.

I am heading out for my 15 minute walk about fulham broadway.

Ill be home after this if you need a chat.

PJ

 

18

Thanks, have messaged you back, take care on your walk.