My mother's Dementia

Senior health
1

Hi I'm new here.

My mother is 75, has dementia and lives by her self. She was diagnose summer last year, it's has advanced quickly. My mother has lost the ability to feel hungry and she can't remember what she had for breakfast after we had just had it together! She hallucinate and accusation of stealing. 

I have 2 brothers and a sister, we take turns in having our mother staying with us as much as she would agree to, if not we take turns in going to her's every evening to give her her meds and food.

The thing is when our mother stays with anyone of us for a few hours then she would start packing up her things and say 'I'm going home now before it gets too late' and this would play out from mid day thru out the day till it gets dark then she would say 'oh I'll leave early tomorrow'! 

We don't understand this at all because there is nothing for her to care of at her place or for her to worry about and she gets very lonely when she gets home, because she is on her own and she tells us this too.

So I dont understand the constant urge to go home and there has been many times that I could not talk her out of it that I have driven her home and when we got there she asked to go back to mine.

We would really want her to move in with anyone of us as she chooses so we can take care of her - as she is not eating properly or washing or keeping warm (she turns off everything, the fidge, the heating).

As I'm not working at the moment the longest I can keep my mother at my house is 4 days max, but everyday all day long 'I'm gonna go get the bus home now'. Due to this urge of hers I don't know if and how we can possibily move her in with anyone of us as we all work during the day and she will just leave and get lost somehow!

My mother needs constant attention, entertaining, supervision, care and reminding (- she puts the kettle on and forgets to make tea and go in the frontroom and sit down.) 

We are all shattered from the back and forth then the worrying.

We are not rich or made of money, we are doing everything we can to take care of her but she doesn't want or let us, she gets very upset and angry if we try to push her into moving.

She won't let carers in as English is not her first languae she can't live with anyone because we've tried that and she started to say they were stealing, her sister came to live with her for awhile and she told her to leave.

The 4 days I had my mother staying it was extremely exosting physically and emotionally.

I want to know if anyone else is going thru this?

How do you deal with it?

What do I do next?

Why the need and urge to go home all day long?

Please I would really like some help and advise.

 

2

Hi Lisa

I am so sorry you are going through this strugle with your Mother.

I am 77 and have looked after my Wife Margaret who is 80 and as Alzhiemers, now for over 5 years. It is a terrible Struggle, but you do learn to coup and deal with it. My wife says very often she is going home to her mother. they seem to go through different stages of this very crual ilness. Thank God my wife as now gone into a quieter stage. last year we had a lot of violent outbursts. caused through water infections, thankfully we now have these under control.

How do I deal with it, well I pray a lot and cry a lot I now have a personal monthly budget from the local council, to pay for 3 carers to work for me helping me with my Wife.

She will only go into a care home over my dead body. I just pray she leaves this world before me.

God Bless you all.

Jim Bourne

3

Hello Jim,

You are an inspiration to me and my family with your love and strugle.

Thank you for taking the time to share and comfort me with your words.

I too cry a lot because I'm loosing my mother bit by bit in the hardest of way, I want to hold her and beg it to stop cos I'm not ready to face life without her, I pray all the time for strength and courage to cope and help her.

I can't even think of my mother in a care home, going there devastate me and my brothers and sister, one of us would need to give up work and stay home to take care of our mother when it gets to it.

I don't look forward to the future much now.

I'm 44 yrs old, we lost our Father in 1998 so she is all we have left now. 

As my mother's dementia changes rappid it has been a difficult for us.

My mother was a very active and independant person, she loves her independant and freedom.

She doesn't understand why and what is happening to her, she just think her forgetfulness is due to old age and that she is fine and can still take care of herself, she gets very upset and sad when we tell her that she has to move in with one of us so we can take care of her!

We don't know what to do or how to go about it.

We tell her all sorts of lie to get her to stay at our homes and even that she would only stay for couple of days then insist on going home.

I know its the dementia and that she can't help it, but it hurts all the same, and yes aggression comes when she doesn't have her way.

May I ask how long you and Margaret been together and what was Margaret like before she got ill?

I would like to hear what your good days and bad days are like as this is all very new to me and my family so we don't know anything.

In my culture we value and respect our elders very much, we love their past and history so in my mind I was always looking forward to my mother sitting on the sofa with me eating popcorns telling me stories of her history and we would go back in time for me to appreciate my future.....

God Bless you for all your love, strength and patient.

Lisa Vu

4

Hi Lisa,

How you describe your mother illness and behaviour is exactly how I describe my mothers.

My mum is 76 and for the last five years, after being diagnosed with Alzheimers, she has displayed all the same traits as your mother. She is constantly upset as she really misses her mother and wants to go to Manchester to see her, we live in Nottingham but she thinks she is back in manchester where she was born. She has 'tantrums' if we say we dont know where to take her! I think she wants to see her mum because she is frightened now and knows that her mum loved her unconditionally and made her feel secure!

The main issue she has at the moment is the hallucinations, she believes there are people in the house stealing her belongings. She shouts at  these imaginary people and sometimes throws things at them! She shares the house with my 82 year old father who occassionally has to get out the line of fire!!

She doesnt recognise my father as being her husband which is very upsetting for all of us especially my father.

Her medication has just been changed from Donepezil to Memantime. There is a gradual introduction to this drug starting at 5mg and building up to 20mg over a four week period. The mental health doctor thought this may help with the halucinations.....if not then she is going to prescibe anti psychotic drugs which she thinks may help. I just hope that the tablets settle her down and give her some peace and happiness, as I know she is suffering more than anybody else!!

I do sometimes see a glimmer of my 'previous' mum which lifts my spirits and I am still able to make her laugh which takes me back to happier times.

I hope this isnt too garbled but I know exactly what you're going through. I hope that helps a little.