Hi all. I have been with my man for four years now. He is from Paris and I am from Ireland. He came to Ireland and we met over here. After a year we moved in together and everything was great. In the last year or so he has started to feel really down. He pulled away and became distant he sat at home and played computer games all evening and even all day Saturdays. We used to go out and socialise but we don't do that anymore. I've been trying to get him to come out. He was being made redundant from his work next Jan and he was going to receive an amount of money from his company that was going to set us up for life. We talked about getting married and having kids. I was thinking that he was starting to suffer from depression or maybe he had all along. He would not answer me when I was trying to talk to him and he played on his computer games while ignoring me. It's been painful. Last Sunday he said that even though he said he wanted to work on our relationship that he had to go. He was stressed from his work and he could not take it anymore. He told me in one of the talks that he wanted to go and spend three months with his grandad as he is quite old. I suggested that he go spend some time with him but maybe three months was too much as he has responsibilities such as paying rent and holding the job down. He packed most of his things and he took a flight back to Paris on Sunday and he let without saying goodbye. I'm really heartbroken as he is my best friend and we have shared everything together. I feel like I can't eat or go to work. We were always affectionate with each other. He always wanted to make love but some night of the week I would be tired from work. It's like he bacame offended and took it personally if I did not want to make love. I did everything for this man cooked cleaned and washed his clothes. We would always kiss each other good morning and goodnight. Always hugging. He always did really nice things for me and was kind with me. Something changed this year and I tried to get through to him but he would not communicate with me. We lived with two other flat mates one being my sister and the other my friend both women. He said that he felt he was living with his sisters all over again. I really want him back but he said that he does not have feelings anymore and he said it so coldly when he left. I know that he has feelings for me I just feel that this depression or burn out he is having is having an effect on him. He said that he wants to keep in contact as I am a very important person. He said he was sorry for walking out the way he did. I just can't make sense of it at all and I'm going through all the things maybe I did wrong, but it's nothing to warrant a break up on this scale. I've also tried to grow and improve myself as a person. I would really appreciate your suggestions on how I could help him or get him back. Or what todo about this, he said he is not coming back to Ireland at all but he has the rest of his stuff to bring back. He said that he thinks he will be on his own for the rest of his life. He is also struggling with his religion and feels he is not being true to it And I have encouraged him to share what he believes with me and to take the time to find his way to what he believes. I just don't know how I can get through to him.
Wow Emma.
That's certainly a difficult situation to be in.
Help for him? Support. Just continue supporting him it'll break eventually depression doesn't last forever.
As for you. You'll go through all the stages of a seperation grief, sadness, anger, regret. Maybe not in that order but they will happen.
Hope things do get better an as always we don't know what the future holds.
Best wishes.
Villaboy4life.
Sorry to hear your in so much pain. Ive been split from mine for 3 months after 20 years together. I feel like I'm mourning someone who has died. Even now I'm here crying,dying inside.
He says his depressed and need time but how time do we give them?
It's painful but unless you go Paris what can you do but carry on with life.
Does it get easier. I can't answer that yet.
Hey Emma gosh how to approach this is mind boggling
Ok so to sum up your Irish ( lovely accent) you allowed him to play games all day and all night even at weekends and gave him "love" a fair bit washed his clothes and cooked for him? And he left? Wow fool lol
No in all honesty and in seriousness now personally it sounds like it's a done deal to me whether or not his wants and tours were the same we will possibly never know
It sounds like it happened so fast you were both caught up in the witlwird of love and it swept you both away the excitement as often happens with ppl make everything go so quick and then after a while things became normal run if the mill routine
You throw into that mix that he was going to be made redundant and probs was a little home sick to and your really stacking the odds against yourselves
Top that with the way as you said yes you can go away to for a while but not for theee months as you have responsibilities etc he probs felt very trapped and felt I'd rather bolt than to face up to this he probs thought do I want this type of pressure for ever and made a choice to bolt the harsh reality is that he did that for himself he hasn't considered your feelings and although he may want to keep in contact " because you mean so much to him " the truth is not enough to stand by you
So yes you are feeling like crap I totally get that but let me ask you a question do you not think your worth more than some one that will sell you out or tuck tail and run when things get tough
It's true life is short but it's long enough also to realise when your in something alone and when someone is only looking out for themselves some lessons in life are hard to learn believe me I know but we do learn them you don't want someone that is going to dismis and not consider you in the choices they make you need some one that will consider the effect on both of you and how it affects your relationship not to put you as a second place thought
You know your worth more than that cmon it hurts I know it does I have been betrayed in fighting it everyday sometimes you got to face facts and the fact is he's not right for you you may want to need up on sociopaths and or narracismam four years is a long time how do ppl detach themselves after that long the answer maybe in the two things I've said to read up on you'll know if they relevant once you read them
Thinking of you mike x
Hi villa boy
I not sure about depression not lasting for ever I think it does true we cope better with it it can be masked with meds therapies etc but it's always there
I'd be included to say show me a person that can say I used to have depression but I'm all better now it in my opinion becomes a lifestyle you learn how to deal with it but it never goes
That's very true superfluous.
Maybe a little insensitive of me.
Obviously myself I'm suffering with depression and have been for years.
It never does go away but the SYMPTOMS never last forever. They break eventually allowing a normal life
I'm just really sad without him I don't want to get out if bed and my heart aches every day. I want to fly to Paris to see him but I fear that it will make it worse if I do. He said he had no feelings for me anymore. I just don't believe this as you don't spend 4 years with someone and then say you feel nothing.
I know sandy im heartbroken god 20 years, I want to go to Paris but he is at his parents home. I don't know if I could just show up like that with my whole life. I am only in my job 2 months I feel like he let everything build up and then he reached boiling point.
Hi Mike
I am waking up every morning with an ache in my heart. I cannot believe it would be over just like this. We were together for 4 yrs so he must have felt something. I thought I had found my soulmate. The thing is he had always been there for me too and it's only this year that he started getting down. I don't want any other man but him and I know what he did was not great and yes I know I'm worth more but he is human and we all make mistakes. I'm praying that he will ask me to move to Paris.
Hi sandy
It does get easier although there no answers to how long it takes unfortunately, when I had my first breakup of a relationship ( the serious kind) I was single for seven years afterward I just wasn't interested in getting hurt again that was the time I killed myself successfully my whole world ended and I hung myself I died for a few minutes before they got me back
I then was started my long fight with depression had trust issues amplified and so decided to stay single for a long time
I went through a lot of emotions from sad to ok from hate for her to admitting I love her from thoughts of a Belevolent nature to thoughts of malevolent nature
I still feel guilty for having those thoughts although I beleive its all part of the heling process
the break up I don't sweat on anymore at all I don't even think about her if I'm honest but I struggle everyday still with the impact it had on me I don't trust anyone not one person and so any relationship I have is desting to fail self preservation maybe the thing about that is it's also isolating I isolate myself I never want to love anyone ever again so I don't allow it
Hi Emma
Thankyou for your reaponse ya know I really hope things work out for you and you get all you dream off
Maybe your right and he will see it's a mistake ya know and come home to you
I totally understand you not wanting anyone else I'm the same way even after 15 years of my breakup although I don't want her either anymore ya know I did for about four years it was awful everyday I felt sick and broken like I lost my whole world in one go and for nothing at all
So I do know how your feeling beleive me I do I'd hope for you a better outcome than mine though I carry it still the betrayal and the fact she was able after spending 6 years with me to just go just like that you know what happened to me that summed it up
I spent 6 years living with her worked a lot so we had a good life probs in honesty became a little complacent ya know took for granted she was there etc I remember the conversation we had still rings in my head she said mike where was I yesterday I said I dunno here probs at home or shopping she said I was sleeping with Karl ( my best friend at the time) you've not been there for me what's worse is I was paying for the dates they went on lol anyway I hung myself about two months later she was rang my another friend of mine and told maybe you should come to the hospital she said bk I can't I have a hair appointment I'll never forget that a hair appointment that's had more value to her than my life
Ya see sometimes we allow ourselves to indulge in the fairytale that we are loved by whom we love it's not always the case I hope you do sort things out and this kind of thing never happens again however if you don't manage to sort things out with him take your time to get into a relationship ya know healing is a long process at times don't rush it you'll only be letting yourself down
My thoughts are with you I really hope you get everything you want xx
Unfortunately Emma you will feel like this I got back with mine for 2 weeks.
It wasn't the same and it didn't work because the first time he said he didn't feel the same way about me and those words keep haunting me.
I'm still in pain I miss him like crazy and dam I love him.
For me I'm lonely without him my children have left home my parents are dead and I have no friends. I'm guessing I'm much older than you so I don't really get out. So my hopes of meeting someone is zero. I feel my life is over. All I do is work and pay bills.
Cry as much as you like, but don't stop living.
Don't rush into anything you might regret. Remember he left you.
Our daughter turned 15 today he said his not coming to see her. That hurts much more.
Sandy my parents are divorced and it was hard in me. So I totally understand how hard it must be for your daughter for her dad not to be there. That is terrible that you are on your own. I can send you on my email if you need to talk to someone. The thing is I know he said those words but the can't really mean them. I know he left me but I want to fight for him I don't want to give up in what we had. I'm 31 and have little friends as well and my friends I do have all live abroad. I can't even think of trying to be with someone else.
depression dosent last with every1 ,it does go away and somtimes comes back,its just all our emotions at a very highten stage to the point we feel,and hear every emotion there is and all at once