My story

Mental health
1

Hi,

I'm 43, moved to the UK in 2001 from Italy to look for a better future. It has been hard to leave family and friends, but I was motivated to do interesting things as in my birthplace I couldn't find a chance. The beginning has been difficult for the language and some degree of culture shock, not to mention the weather and distance from affections. In those days it was still pretty expensive to fly so I returned to visit home after 18 months, after I found a job.

The only person I knew when I moved here was my best friend. We grew up together and we were like brothers. 

I've been working for 8 years in a good job. In 2004 I've met a girl and I fell in love. She was Spanish and she moved over here. We lived together about 8 years. They've been difficult years and to overcome difficulties I decided to put myself aside and do whatever was necessary to keep the relationship. This means that I've repressed a lot of anger and frustration. During this relationship my best friend, who's a very difficult person himself, couldn't stand my girlfriend and he developed a total hate against her. It has be really difficult to manage this situation. About 3 years ago my girlfriend decided to leave me and went to Berlin for 1 year and 1/2. During this period I've felt absolutely terrible and I've begged her to come back each single day. Despite this I recovered pretty well and eventually found another girl I really liked. I was feeling better and strong and at moments still communicating my ex-gf that I was missing her. She decided to come back and told me she was still in love with me. I spent about a week in total confusion, not knowing what to do. Eventually I decided to give my ex another go as I felt that she was changed, I was strong and we could have make things work. So I told my new gf all this, she understood and moved away. The first 2-3 months have been great, but soon some old dynamics and unresolved issues resurfaced. 

At this point of the story my best friend gets really angry at me for a very stupid reason and he threatens me not to get in touch again or he would react with absolute violence. 

I was very afraid of getting hurt badly again so I tried to keep some distance. As I was seeing that my new behaviour of not chasing her but holding my position didn't work, I decided to leave her. After a few days I fell into the mechanism of chasing again and I've spent about 6 months begging and trying to repair. She told me that there was somebody else but I continued to persist.

In the year and 1/2 she was in Berlin I met a great guy here and we became very good friends. I valued this friendship a lot as he seemed to me a really special person and a very good person.

In June this year she told me that she got together with him. Consider that in all this time I was confiding him all that was happening, while they were already seeing each other and I didn't know anything. They've now moved back together to Spain.

When she told me this I literally lost my mind. I felt like a domino effect inside my brain and I could only see a mental hospital at the end of it. It was like it was far too much for me to cope with and my brain went in a direction I've never experienced before.

I couldn't function any more, there was simply too much: my gf, my friend and my best friend. All gone.

Since then I've tried to recover from all this but I'm finding myself deep in dark waters. I'm overwhelmed by anxiety which results in almost panic attacks. I'm deeply depressed and completely hopeless. I've lost all my affections here and I feel like I've been left behind alone by everyone. I'm trying to do some counselling, but inside me I feel like I'm gone forever.

I'm constantly feeling like I want to go back home, but what is left there is my old mum, a couple of friends and no prospectives of finding a job. So I'm stuck here, in this house where there's nothing left than empty spaces and memories. Everytime I bump into my ex best friend by chance around the city he does things like rushing away saying that he feels disgusted etc etc.

Everywhere is just memories of a past that will never return, just there reminding me how alone I am now.

I don't feel any energy or motivation whatsoever to begin new relationships or friendships and I simply don't see any sense with that. I feel dead inside. I don't see anybody and I don't go out.

Suicidal thoughts cross my mind on a regular basis.

At the moment I'm trying to keep working on my business and since September I'm studying full time at the university, but I'm completely overwhelmed by it and constantly thinking to quit.

I'm taking st johns worth but I don't think there's anything that can help me. I prefer not to consider medication but I don't rule it out.

I don't cry often. Sometimes it comes, especially when I'm in the park with the dog as I can't help seeing myself from outside and perceive deeply all my loneliness. We were used to take the dog out together and those were really happy days.

All has changed in a matter of weeks and I'm totally emptied and feel like there's no direction, nothing to do.

I don't want to appear as the victim here. I know I've my resposibility in all this. It's just the way has gone and now this is the situation.

Any comment is greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading.

2

I feel for you. You managed to tell us perfect English .

It mist be very hard for you surrounded by memories but one day you will build nee memories, you may not see this at the moment.

If your friend was true he would have taken your

feelings into account and respected your choice of girl friend/partner.

You allowed your girlfriend control , you didn't take your own wants and needs into account. You did

everything her way and I feel she didn't deserve you. She used you like a puppet on a string, leaving you for a good time and then expecting you to drop

everything.. You did.

Please you need to re connect with yourself.

What are your needs? What are your feelings?

What do you want from life and in life?

I feel its best to put any relationships on hold so you can build yourself stronger emotionally and physically. You have a love yourself before you can love anyone else. A very hard task.

You need to be kind to yourself.

Take away any control others have in you and your life.

Try and look at this as,a new beginning, the past is gone, today is your future... Time dies heal.

Don't have any contact with your x or the friends and do not respond to any news, contact, letter, telephone etc. That part of your life is dead.

Start today to build, stengthen yourself and your life.i promise you that you can do this and in time your dreams will unfold

The most important thing is BE YOURSELF don't pamper to others.

You repressed a lot of anger when with this woman and this could be why you are feeling as you do.

Please consider counselling. I feel you would benefit greatly from this.

With love, Linda x

3

Hi Paq, I am sorry to read your story, your girlfriend and your best mate have betrayed you. You must feel so lonely being away from your own country. I think Counselling would be good for you, they are non judgemental, maybe there is Counselling services at your university. Concentrate on yourself, give yourself time to heal. Do things you used to enjoy, hobbies etc. Eat healthy and exercise. Continue your studies to better yourself. The best revenge is to be successful.

You will get through this eventually. Don't look for girlfriends yet there will be plenty of time for them. Live your life for you, learn to like and love yourself. Build your confidence and self esteem. Hope this helps. We can be supportive here but you need to make the effort. Hope this helps.Elizabeth  

4

Thank you Elizabeth you managed to put what I wanted to say in words

I totally agree with you x

5

Hi, your replies are really fresh water for me, thank you.

I think that what I'm really struggling with at the moment are many things altogether. Letting all of them go, especially her, finding myself having to find the strength again to digest and go through the loss, the loneliness, the rebuild... I'm really struggling in accepting that I need time, probably a lot of time. The main problem is that everything is just memories, of love and friendships. All around me is the empty space left by them. It overwhelms me and I sink into passed times constantly, deeper and deeper. I know I should move away from here, but I don't have any valuable alternative and I'm really scared that going back to Italy will be a further step back and more void.

I'm trying to be patient, as you said to take each day as it comes, but I also feel my energy getting sucked into endless mind loops which seems to drive me further away from the light. I'm convinced that something is very wrong with me, health and mind wise to have ended up like this, with everybody pulling away from me in such a violent way and not being able to enjoy absolutely anything.

I'm really struggling to find a way to start recovery. I know I should take care of myself but I can't and I seem to be in an auto-destructive path. I chain smoke and I work far too hard. I don't allow myself to take time off and to socialise, also because I feel so vulnerable and inadequate that it's so painful and I avoid it. But the more I stay closed in myself the more stuck I am in insane loops of guilt, regret, memories etc.

A big hugh

p

6

It must be so hard for you being here. So far removed from family and people you love and who love you back.

Sometimes depression is a lonely place,even when you have people around you so I expect it's even lonelier when you are all alone. 

When you came here to England you knew just one person but managed to form bonds with others so one thing you have going for you is personality.

You managed to get a job and enrol in university and have your own place so you also have going for you,drive,independence and motivation. 

What you are going through now is temporary. I know it feels empty and hopeless but that is the depression talking...Deep down,that isn't you. You are the man who achieved so much and was planning a future,a career. The way you feel now is just a setback...a reaction to a situation that left you feeling vulnerable and low. 

Your mind has more memories of the old you,not this you,so it will not forget who you are and it will keep working at moving forward to get you to the place mentally that it knows best.

It may be a bit difficult for a while...you will have ups and downs but eventually your mind will restore itself and you will find happiness and meaning xxx

7

Hi Linda, Thanks, we all how something valuable to say including yourself. 

8

HI Paq ~

I see that you are in great distress over this one person.  And yet, you said when she left you for another person, you kept in touch with her all the while you fell in love with someone else. Why do you suppose you're so hard on yourself?  I mean, most people don't like that idea of someone "chasing" them because it seems desperate.  You seem like you have a lot going for yourself thus not having to stoop to that level.  That is perhaps what your good friend is trying to convey to you, you're worth more than the treatment your ex is giving you.  You deserve better.  If she can leave you and meet up with someone else then when she's "bored" or something comes back to  you then she finds someone else again and moves out.  Don't allow yourself to become her emotional train.  Because you're becoming a train wreck.  You're worth more than that!!

I've been reading this book of quotes by someone named Rick Warren and one of the quotes I love the most is "To find your purpose, find your wound"...how apparent this seems to us as we read your discussion but to you, you may not realize how this could be so true.  Perhaps dig deep into your past and check to see if something is making you feel you need to "beg" her to come back.  Either abandonment issues or fear of being alone?  Don't be afraid to bring up all the negativity from your past, as painful as it may be, it just could help you  find yourself and your self worth.

I feel for you as I've had to do just that, dig deep.  Check out the few discussions I've put up one is "If you want to find your purpose, find your wound, have you found your wound?" and another one on RELAX ~can anyone help me learn how to relax?  Both are enlightening as the responders have been open and honest about techinques and some on the finding your wound discussion, have opened up from the deepest part of their souls.  You'll see if you read it, my wound is quite apparent.  I hope you can find yours.  As finding a wound that holds you down, will actually open you up to a world of happiness!

Good luck and let us know how you're doing...pssst, please don't ever consider suicide, should this happen, you'll be back in another life form to repeat your life.  Another discussion I've put up  AFTERLIFE ~ do you believe or not?  Another eye opener with all those that responded.  Many intelligent people on this site!  I encourage you to check some other discussions out as they may be what you need.

Warm regards,

Frustrated

9

Hi and thank you for your support. You're totally right, I've madem yself a total wreck and it has been for far too long. I'm trying to address the reasons why I've done this to me but what really concerns me is the state I'm in now. A complete and overwhelming sense of void is in me and I don't have any energy to start anything new. I don't fancy seeing anyone and at the same time I feel so alone and lost. I just smoke and stay all the time alone. Every situation I try to put me in makes me feel more isolated and everything seems so squallid and desperate.

I'm conscious this is a consequence of all that has happened to me in the last couple of years, probably in the last 43 years, but I really don't know where to start to feel a little better. I know I should start from myself, but I can't find the motivation and the energy to do so.

10

Hi Paq ~

I'm so sorry you're feeling so low.  I have been there way too many times.  Even in a room full of people, family etc...I feel alone.  What I've found to help me pull myself up is just a simple book by Rick Warren.  ― Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life: What on Earth Am I Here for?  His book is full of quick quotes that help one feel stronger within.  Like one of his good quotes is: “We are products of our past, but we don't have to be prisoners of it.”   Another:  "To find your purpose in life, find your wound."  All his messages are short and to the point.  I've found myself tagging the pages I like the most and reaffirm them almost daily.  This could be of some help to you.  I would hope so anyway.  You can go online and check out his book via Amazon.  It's like $5 to download it on kindle fire or to purchase around $7-9 or so.  I hope you at least check into this as like I said, it's helped me so much with daily struggles.

Anyway, I wish you well and hope you find your "place" soon and hope you find someone special that deserves you.  You sound like a nice sensitive person that most women would love to be around.

 Good luck and let us know how you're coming along, please?

Frustrated