Name your 'Gammy' bit - The Return Part 3

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1

This is part three of Name your 'Gammy' Bit which is an extension of the existing pages (1&2) where you can list your health problems and moan about them, tell some clean jokes and have a laugh, make some friends and revisit old times whilst putting the world to rights.

You may rant, rave and generally have a good 'natter', but please remember that all pages are Moderated, so aggressive and improper bahaviour, swearing and any attempted spamming connected with goods and/or services will be thrown-out.

Have fun................................

 

2

Did you know, that copper wire was invented by 2 Scots men fighting over a penny.

An Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman, walk into a bar. The barman comes over and say's " Lad's is this some sort of joke."

3

Ok you lot, as you are all too bashful to get the ball rolling here we go again with a starter joke:

There are three people waiting to enter the gates of heaven.

St. Peter opens the door and says, “Please stand in line I am going to interview you one at a time to decide where you are going to be sent”.

The first person in the queue was Sister Maria a nun, so she was called forward first.

St. Peter asked her how she had lived and how she had died.

The nun replied,

“I have been a nun for 30 years, during which time I have served the poor and needy in Angola. Unfortunately when the rebels moved-in they martyred me because I have lived my life as a Christian.”

St Peter looked her up and down and said

“Because of your exemplary life you will be given your own cloud and the freedom to roam anywhere you wish.

The next person to move forward was a Jacob a little Jewish tailor from Poland.

“So tell me about your life Jacob and how you died”, said St Peter.

“Well I lived in a little village outside Rajgrod in Poland, and I was the local tailor. One day the Nazis came into the village, gathering all the Jews including me, and sent us to a concentation camp. Amongst all the others I went to the gas chambers, and then they burned my body.”

St Peter looked him up and down and said, “Because you have lived a simple honest life, but for no fault of your own you were incinerated you may have a cooler cloud floating over the coolest regions of the earth.”

The third person to move forward was a Jamaican Rastafarian called Bob.

St Peter approached him and asked the same question that he had asked the other two.

Bob stepped forward and said,

“Al me’s life ah’s been bad. When I wus 8 I shot a man and got awiy wid it. When I wis 12 ah took on de drugs. Ah started wis de ganja, and by 15 I wis on de hard sh*t. I got a baaad dose of de AIDs from a sh*tass needle, and dat killed me”

St Peter scratched his head and looked in a puzzled sort of way at Bob and said, “Bob, while I make my mind up where to put you please just go and stand over there by the gates”.

Half an hour or so later God comes by and notices the Rastafarian standing in a corner by the gates, and asks St Peter what he is doing there.

St Peter realizing that he has been caught-out, as quick as a flash answers,

“Oh, didn’t I tell you, that’s our first AIDs man.”

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Great, keep em coming......and thanks

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Man " I would like to buy this car"

Dealer " I'm sorry, This car is not available until 2018"

Man " Ok well I want one so put my name down, by the way what month in 2018"

Dealer "March"

Man "Very good" you wouldn't happen to know what day in March would you ?

Dealer "the 17th"

Man "Excellent" just one more question would it be morning or afternoon of the 17th 

Dealer " The Morning"

Man " Oh thats great, just I have the plumber calling in the afternoon you see"

 

 

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Ha, ha, yet another good one..

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A man goes to the doctor and says,

“Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.”

The doctor asks,

“What do you mean?”

The man says,

“When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.”

The doctor says,

“I know what’s wrong with you -

you’ve broken your finger!”

Boom, boom

 

8

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, “What is wrong with you?”

Adam said, “Lord, I don’t have anyone to talk to.”

God said, “Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called a ‘woman’. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give ‘love’ and compassion whenever needed. She will never question your behaviour or the company you keep. She will support you and understand that you have important decisions to make throughout your life and don’t have time for nonsense…”

Adam asked God, “What will this woman cost?”

God said, “An arm and a leg…”

Adam said,

“What can I get for just a rib?'     

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very good

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A cocky young man pretended to be something he wasn't.

Said to the beautiful woman 'I'm a politician, I have sack loads of cash and I'm exemplory in the sack!'

She gorgeously fluttered her eye lashes, added some more blusher and followed him home.

He tempted her with a glass of wine and was most the most gracious host, thinking 'I'm in here!'

But when he went to smooth his sheets she stole his tax records. He apporached her like a peakcock and she pulled our her badge. 

'I'm from the fraud squad. Nice try!'

 

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Boom. boom.   Ha, ha, ha. Great one...

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Yeah but you gotta ask was her badge real? 

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Was you hangover real this morning? lol

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No, was you? I had a filippin essay to get on with, which are more capable of giving me hangovers.

15

Ah darn thought you were asking me personally, you meant the joke.

Well, he said, your badge might be fake, but so's my......tea pot.

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Does anybody here like:

Fascinating Aïda

If you have never seen or heard of them, just look them up on Google or UTube.

If you want some really funny entertainment and you get the chance to listen to any of their music/ songs, do listen very carefully to the words, I can guarantee that you will split your sides.

Please note: You will need to be open-minded, otherwise you might get a shock.

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DOCTOR DOCTOR I NEED A LAUGH - well here it is then:

A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead. "Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"

At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.

"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"

"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.

At the next bed the patient has his feet and hands strapped to the bed. he's biting hard on a wooden spoon and his eyes are bulging out of his head.

"Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"

"OH SH*T!" replied the nurse.

BOOM, BOOM

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'The big guys in google are women' Ski the Deep

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Thanks but I prefer ad lib. 

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You're so great arch if you were a horse I'd clean the crap out of your stable'. Ok line credited to The Divine Comedy, not the book, the band,