Hi Sean
I hear where you are at – you are right, many girls that age just want to jump into bed within a week. It’s all those hormones! You would be doing it too, if you didn’t have this bloody annoying virus! It can feel like such a barrier!!
You are young, and it all seems very tough right now.
It will be okay!! Even when you tell this girl, if she decides she doesn’t want to take the risk of having sex with you – some other girl down the line will.
You are NOT doomed to a life of loneliness! And the first way to ensure that doesn’t happen, is to BELIEVE that you will find a lovely girl (or many, over the years)!!
You can check out some other suggestions for “how to tell your new partner” in this other forum thread, here’s a link;
https://patient.info/forums/discuss/how-do-we-tell-new-partners--216554?page=0#371100
The most important things (I think) to remember are;
1. When you find the time is right, you feel okay about telling her, state that you really respect and care for her – that you had to tell her, because you want her to be informed and make her decision, before you guys do anything.
There is no rule about when to tell someone. It is up to you. I would recommend to tell her before you have sex though! I think you just have to “sense out” the best time – and more importantly, is she someone you think might be able to handle this? Is she mature enough, is she kind enough?
2. If you want to delay having sex, tell her you are not quite ready yet. Here are some ideas I’ve thought of (excuses) for not having sex yet;
“I’m just not ready yet, I hope you can bear with me, I really like to get to know someone first”
“I really want to get to know someone, before we take things to the next level”
“Feeling close to someone, knowing them quite well, is really important to me”
“I really respect you, and want to learn more about you – there is plenty of time to ‘get down to business’ in the future! – I want to spend more time finding out all about you first”
“I’m a guy that likes to take things slowly and surely”
“Don’t get me wrong, I think you are beautiful, stunning – I want you very much, I want to be with you very much – I think it will be so much sweeter if we wait a while, let’s get to know each other more”
“Being ‘emotionally intimate’ first is really important to me”
The best way to convince someone of something, is to repeat the same statement or sentiment, over and over, but using different words.
So the message is “I want to wait, because I want to build a stronger connection with you first”. Just say this same message, using whatever different words, but repeating the same message. Hope that makes sense. You can choose your own reason of course! I just think this one is actually quite convincing – and, it’s also quite romantic!
This way you can perhaps slow things down, and perhaps you won’t feel the need to “push” really hard on trying to impress her. You can relax a bit perhaps, be more yourself. Show her how funny and charming you are!
The thing about herpes: it can really make us down-to-earth and big-hearted. You start to look at people, how they are, who they are, differently.
Now, remember too: if she’s keen for action, she is attracted to you. Just take your time, delay things, and get to know her first, for (as long as you can) and as long as need to, until you feel okay about telling her.
3. When you do tell her, remember that different people will have a whole range of different reactions, it will all depend on the person.
There is nothing you need to feel really badly about, based on their reaction. They will react however they are going to react.
People will feel different things: shocked, scared, grossed out, worried, confused. Or maybe just a bit concerned – because the way you are telling it, and how you have treated them, they already feel safe with you.
All the “negative” reactions (scared, shocked, worried expression on the face, etc) - this is all normal – just think of all the feelings you have about it, especially when you first found out, and how you are feeling now. Feelings also change.
You might want to consider getting some “talk therapy”, a counsellor, or something – a good friend, your Mum or Dad. Talking about how you are feeling now, getting some ideas for improving your own thoughts about your self, your self-worth. Because you are worth it! You deserve happiness, and this little asshole virus isn’t going to stop you from finding love!! Be determined. Find the strength inside, waiting to blossom.
You need to be brave, be reassuring, and stay strong – you might get knocked back here and there – but you must stay positive, and keep trying. Believe that someone will want you – and someone bloody will!! This is the secret – positive thinking and then it comes true.
4. Now lastly: Be cool, calm, and collected when you tell them. This was mentioned on the link I put above, and is a very good idea.
If you seem cool, calm, collected, clearly know your facts, answer the questions, ask her to go away and find out about it, have a good think about it, she can feel free to ask any questions later, tomorrow or after the weekend, etc – you can perhaps convince her that it’s not that big a deal. You are open and cool and calm about it, you don’t seem too bothered by it – it might help her think it’s not such a big deal – because you don’t think it’s a big deal. Fake it ‘til you make it.
5. You must take all the precautions – anti-virals or lysine supplements (whatever works for you to help prevent outbreaks), always using condoms, and abstinence when you have an outbreak. And she may never catch it.
So:
· Delay – convince her she’s special to you, so special, you want to wait and get to know her really well first
· Take anti-virals or whatever, do whatever you can to prepare to minimise the risk of transmission
· Be cool, calm and collected, reassuring, open and knowledgeable, when you tell her
· Be prepared for a range of emotional reactions – this is normal
· Ask her to go away and research it, think about it – she will need time to process this information, and how she feels about it, and you
· And stay positive that, if it’s not her, it’s the next lovely girl
There are also other things you can do with her, that don’t need to involve direct intercourse. Just be really careful not to like, touch yourself, then touch her. I’m not 100% sure on this (only found out I have it recently). But my point is, she probably can give you a hand-job, or you can touch her womanly bits, with virtually no chance of transmitting anything (unless there is a cut on her hand or something) – again I’m not 100% sure, but this is where the need to research comes in! Just make sure to have clean hands before, and then wash hands after. Hope this makes sense!
Do heaps more reading about it – I need to do this too. Find out more about it, facts, ways to reduce transmission, things you can probably very safely do with someone (that is not direct intercourse). But anyway, the risk of transmission can be hugely reduced, if the right precautions are taken.
I think the overall key, is to know your facts, and get out there and keep trying, and stay positive – your day in the Sun will come!!!
Best wishes, and stop beating yourself up about it. Consider getting some help if necessary. You are too young and full of life to put yourself on the shelf, sweet.
XOXOX
