Need some advice on how to tell a partner about herpes:(

Sexual health
1

Hi i was dx on March

I have an ex bf i have been on and off for te past 7 years. the last 2 years we had been on and off.

I started dating some other guy around december 

we had sex.multiple times everything was fine never felt anything

i bumped into my ex on in the mids of feb. and we had sex. 

once on feb 20th n then again the 28th

We never used protection before.

then i started experiencing the flu symptoms after 

i then started having pain while peeing then i seen and ulcer and then a few more

i went to the gyn she said it looked like herpes she treated me for it 

they swabbed and it came back positive.

I have always done anual pap and std testing always negative for everything

 havent told either one about my situation 

after my dx i stopped dating the other guy. 

the reaon i havent said anything to anyone is because i dont want anyone to know.

i still talk to my ex. but he doesnt know either 

i guess im just scared to tell him because of the situtaion.idk what to do  because im not ready to tell anyone.

im not sure who was the one that gave it to me.

I am on daily meds now 

ive had 2 other obs since and they have been minor.

any advice or suggestions ?

 

2

Well it sounds like your ex bf gave it to you no?

I personally feel that if you are not ready to tell someone, you should at least disclose to whomever you slept w right before symptoms, so they can be tested and not spread this around to others

As far as disclosing to someone you've not slept w and couldn't have given it to you, if you are not ready to tell anyone, then don't. Just focus on when you've come to complete acceptance of this and feel ready to tell. I see so many sorry about telling new guys so soon after diagnosis, before they've come to complete terms w it themselves.

3

Yeah thats what i think so too but im scared to tell him and then hell know and if one day we split hell know that i hve it.

Ive came to accpetance with it. 

It doesnt bother me but im still not ready to tell anyone. 

I think id rather date someone who already has it atleast like that we r the same. 

Nobody knows. i havent told anyone.

The thing is that the relationshio between me and my x isnt the best since we were on and off and there is some trust issue 

so im scared of his reaction 

u get me ?

 

im okay with him not wanting to be with me but not with him knowing and not wanting to be with me because of that. 

4

I apologize, but I am terribly confused at this point. So do you feel there is a chance your ex may have given it to you? Then why not get the other guy out and if he's negative, then you know it was your ex.

5

Well i dont think he ever has an o.b and ive never seen anything on him

But they timinng says hes the one.

I wish i could tell the other guy but what is hes negative and then theres one person that knows abut me having it.

i know its complicated and maybe im being over dramatic with it  

I jst cant stand the fact of anyone knowing that i have it.

6

I understand that you are not keen on anyone knowing that you have this.  The problem is you could have already passed it on to one person without knowing. The person that gave it to you may not know they are a carrier of it either.

By keeping silent you are basically putting anyone who sleeps with either of the two people that may have given it to you at risk.  Do you want another person to go through what you are going through now?

You don't say in your post where you are based but in the UK where I work as a Health Advisor for our fantastic National Health Service the sexual health clinics can send an anonymous letter to people who may have been exposed to a sexually transmitted infection.  Is it possible to do the same thing where you are to suggest the two people that may have passed it on to you go and get themselves tested?

I am sorry if this sounds preachy but this is exactly how these infections continue to spread.  

On a more positive note, as you say, you can date people who already have the Herpes virus in their bodies, there are web sites which provide a service to connect with others in your situation.  A quick web search turns up a few but this website doesn't like external links much.

Be kind to yourself and I hope you find love and happiness

7

I see it on here and another forum all the time. The guy has no idea he has it, because he is asymptomatic.

Unfortunately people have to do this and do it all the time. He'll appreciate your honesty more than you know and hlit doesn't benefit him to go around telling people.

People have much better reactions than you think to being told.

8

Love that suggestion about the anonymous letter! I'm in the states and have no idea if we have that, but I couldn't agree more w what you said! Great advice!