You're doing soooooo very well sweetheart. You really really are & please try to forget about all the negatives you're going through right now as each one is a step closer to getting the REAL YOU back & to getting your life back that you & your husband so deserve!!
I admire you, I really do admire you & I'm not just saying that!! I never had the inspiration to go for a run to try to sweat it out of my system. I used to play football loads so was quite fit but, (even if my back would've allowed me too run) I wouldn't because i was so down, I just couldn't have done it!!!
I know we've spoken before & you're doing so well, honestly you are & deserve so very much credit!!
People who've never been in this position don't appreciate that it's quite possibly the very hardest, most difficult thing that anyone can ever do in their lives, to come off such a powerful drug as Oxycontin as it is actually much stronger than & so much more addictive than Heroin. This stuff is pure Heroin. It's man made synthetic so there's no other rubbish put in there like there is with illegal street heroin. This is 100% pure stuff made by people in white coats which, when our Drs said it was amazing & the future of pain relief we believed them!!!
I've been hand on heart free from this stuff now since August 2016 (even though im on methadone to help, I'm currently down to 35mils per day now from 115mils per day) & I honestly believed Oxy would kill me rather than be free from it as i was so very dependent on it that it's really frightening now looking back but, I now just try to look forward & put everything I went through down to experience just to help others!
What you said to Julie about a diary is great advice, my partner told me too & i did start to but lacked motivation in the end! I deeply regret not doing it now as I so wanted to write a book about my whole experience one day from my initial visit to my then Drs, to my recovery & to writing about how Purdue Pharma the manufacturers got this by the FDA to make $Billions & how they've been found over $650million to date to make themselves very very rich through murdering innocent people! A diary would've really helped!!
It's only since around Christmas time that the daily depression, anxiety & all the rest of it started to leave me alone & I actually started to think, is my life now actually starting to come back to me?? (Minus the memory loss) The old me, the REAL me that people wondered where i had gone that didn't know what I was going through as i chose not to tell certain people!!
My Partner said to me once again last night, the very first time she said something like this was Xmas eve:
"Thank you so very much for coming back to me, I thought I had lost you forever but, I've seen you since coming off of this slowly but surely get your personality & life back to what I fell in love with & now that i know you've finally fully come back to me, I never ever want to lose you ever again! It was like a shadow of you was here but, it wasnt really you. But now I can see the Real you has finally come back to me & even though you say you're finally getting your life back, you've also given me mine & "our" lives back & that means more to me than you will ever know!"
I'm a grown man of 50 but when i think of what the person I truly love has said, it actually makes me cry. To think what I put her through all those years, how I'd drive over there & lie to her saying I'd lost my last dose just so I could get more (she would look after them for me as I would've eaten a months worth in a week if I had been left with them), she hid them from me but I always found them, that's how bad I was & how i got upto 1500mgs of Oxycontin per day! I don't tell lies, I hate liars yet I had become one of them! It was so hard to live with what I had become just to feed my cravings for this crap!!!
When I look back now, if you truly love someone, you'd never do that to the person you love would you!
To hear her crying when she thought I was asleep when she wanted to make love at night & I'd make yet another excuse because i knew, not only had I lost my sex drive but know I couldn't have performed anyway! But to hear her tears, how could I have done that to her! To put her through that pain & heartache!! That's why I really truly hated myself. Fine, take yourself down but don't hurt the one who truly loves you & that's exactly how it made me feel!
I now realise it wasnt me as I am genuinely a person who cares about how people feel! I know it's rare in this evil world we live in but, there are many millions of us left still that do think & feel this way & we by far outweigh the ones who don't!!
I know it was this evil LEGAL Heroin they call Oxycontin, Hillbilly Heroin, Oxycotton plus all the other Nick names they have got it in the states where Purdue brought it into the world to make many $Billions from people's suffering!
With all the negatives though there are very many more positives!
My partner & me are closer than we've ever been. I owe her my life as she stuck by me through it all & is still here which tells me something & I will spend the rest of my life repaying all that Love that she showed me over the hardest years of my life!
If I can beat this & I can honestly say I have beaten it as even now, I still keep forgetting to take my methadone, which is why I dropped the amount I did so quickly! Then you & any one else can also!
You will get your life back I promise you. I know you want to be free from it yesterday but, just take it slowly, a few extra weeks won't make any difference to the rest of your life & the suffering you've already been & are going through! & the withdrawals will be much less the slower you go!
Try not to feel guilty even though I did & it's human nature too. Your husband loves you, he wouldn't still be around if he didnt would he! 👍
Just take one day at a time & look forward to the day when you finally say you've got your life back & you beat it!!! Because you will, you will get there!!
Take care
Ritchie xx