newbie needs advice on a partner/ex partner who knows...

Mental health
1

hi there,really need some advice from fellow people who have a partner with bipolar or from people who have this horrible and heartbreaking disease

ok so sorry that this will be long but i need to try put as much info as i can...

ive been single for about 6 years but decided id like to get back into dating,i joined a dating site.im going to be honest here so judge if you want but it will maybe help you understand my prediciment

i didnt have much confidence and being single,i guessed i watched alot of porn but this got boring so i joined a dating site where i started to message a few women

i didnt want to meet them really,more i guess have some sort of interaction with them including sexual talk

s, and this sounds terrible i know,id just pick random women from a particular area and sent not filthy but quite rude direct questions as a first chat up line.i think i worked on the principle that if you message a 100 women,your get the odd one thats up for the same sort of thing.

id just lost my mum and had alot of time on my hands just sitting at home,no excuse but i wasnt exactly correct in my own mind

i know im not a bad man,ive never cheated in a relationship but i have been cheated on so im very insecure

so i did this for quite a while,i obviously and quite correctly got mostly stern rebuffs

anyway i did come across a photo which i liked and sent a very nice and polite message as i also did with others.

i think it was about 1 month after replying that i got a reply from this particular lady,id long forgotten as she never seemed to be active on the dating site so i guess she went out of my spectrum

anyway..

we passed the replys back and forth on the site before swapping numbers

we then had about 2 weeks of texting and they were always really long texts which was enjoyable as it showed she was bothered enough to write

we both seemed to see a connection(i know this is not real life but i do believe you can still get to know a lady through text and emails and get an idea about them) 

so we picked a day,somewhere neutral and i text on the morning of the day before to confirm a time

well come lunchtime,i hadnt recieved a text,then mid afternoon still nothing,i left it all evening as i knew that she could have run out of data on her phone but equally that she might have just had second thoughts

eventually at about 10pm,i just sent a text saying hi,dont worry if youve had cold feet,im fine with it,maybe we can rearrange sometime if you have problems.:

being on watsapp,i knew it was read at about 11pm but no reply back

eventually my phone beeped and i got a text back just saying,hi,yes lots of problems,sorry to waste your time x..

i replied back saying its fine,you didnt waste my time just let me know if you want to rearrange sometime.. 

i never got a reply but over the coming few weeks,id sent the odd text just saying hello and nothing heavy.again to no reply

about a month had passed and i suddenly got a reply,basicly saying she had clinical depression,listing all the drugs she was taking for it which all sounded believable and shed taken the trouble to describe the names etc and that she was pleased that id still tried to keep in touch but thought id be with somebody else by now(i wasnt as id liked her)

ok..(i forgot to say she was beaten up by an ex and her spine was serverley damaged so she also suffers from chronic back pain)

so we met and had a great time but i did notice that she did seem to talk alot,understandable,just quite fast and non stop but it seemed nice as it stopped all the first date kind of jitters

well she ended up coming to mine after the drink and we got on so well she ended up staying 3 days

i knew she was in pain with her back with all the tablets she had to take but we had a great time

sorry im trying not to make this longwinded

anyway i took her home and as i lived about an hour away and she didnt drive and i have animal commitments,she could only ever stay at mine or i go there maybe twice a week and somedays,she could sleep for a whole day(i can only take her word for this)

couple weeks past with normality although i did notice that she was full of ideas,still spoke fast and alot but sometimes,shed just have a faraway look in her eyes so i began to feel that something wasnt quite right but shed said she always was hyper if she came off the antidepressants and i just put it down the the depression

things began to get weirder when i thought it would be a good idea to drive down and surprise her( oh wouldnt hindsight be a wonderfull gift lol) i made sure i knew she was going to be home as id said id ring her(again she had the most shocking phone that hardly ever worked which didnt help)this i know to be true as i saw it cut out a few times my self

anyway i pull up outside and she lives in a upstairs flat.i keep ringing her phone but no answer,even i was wary about just turning up but i thought it would be a great surprise

so i had to bang on the door and eventually she comes down and answers,this is wear it went horribly wrong

she was shocked to see me,really flustered,hyperventilated abit and was like a woman id never met before

i imediatley presumed she must have had a man upstairs as although she didnt stop me from going upstairs,she deff didnt want me to

i was so shocked my self,i kept asking if there was a problem and sorry if she had company.she was very stresed so i said id go,she said shed see me in a few days but it seemed that she was trying to think on her feet.she just shut the door and left me standing there gobsmacked,hurt,and sick to the stomach

they say dont surprise somebody as you might not like the surprise you get

so i drove back for the hours journey thinking id get a text to appologise or her trying to get out of something with an excuse,but nothing,from her

all the next day there was nothing,i could see her online on watsap but she was just silent

i finally left it till the next eve as i was imagining allsorts and i text apologising for coming unanounced.i was hoping for a reply but also dreading it

she replied about an hour later saying she was to scared to text me,apparantly her family had been upstairs having a meeting and they were of the mindset that they thought she had bipolar

so she was really embarresed and didnt want me to go upstairs

again i could only accept this with trusting her

so things were normal after that,i went round as many nights as i could,there never seemed to be any signs of other men being there and she never acted as if she was hiding anything in the flat

she was still quite chatty,hyperish but really loving but again,another thing came out of the blue//

wed had good sex the night before in the morning,i just by chance happened to say that she looked sad and asked why.to me it was just a caring question but she kind of flipped.accused me saying i knew she had chronic pain so why ask that quest and if i was any kind of boyfreind,id have googled the medical terms etc

i just sat on the bed thinking where the hell did that just come from.accused me of just wanting the sex and that was it

so again,i got through that but really shocked now and knew something wasnt right

unfortunatley her mum was diagnosed with breast cancer a week after that,she also has a daughter with a child with ahd and who is pregnant again by the same man who left her the first time

so i know that she has a tough time coping with everything else without her own personal demons

so i said look i dont mind not seeing you,your family come first 

the last time i saw her was on a monday.id kindly bourght her a washing machine as i knew she was struggling to wash clothes and it would be a little help in her life

she was made up,i got a text on the tuesday saying what a fantastic boyfreind i was and how great the place smelt etc

i text back to that saying i was so pleased she was happy

she text me on the thursday saying she had been at mums looking after her,she was tired trying to be there for everybody at the same time and was now heading to her daughters

that was the last i heard from her,she stopped replying to my messages,i didnt bombard her, just every otherday.she was reading them but just not answering back

i put everything i could think of into my texts,how much i loved her,i thought she loved me,could she atleast tell me what the problem was,could she just give me closure etc... but silence

i finally kind of snapped in my own head and sent her a really nice text saying that i was worried about her and i was going to drive down and make sure she was ok(i didnt know where she would be but i headed for her flat)

so i get there and knocked on the door quite loud but not a im p****d off knock,

i then knocked again and i got a text from her just saying...please go away.i dont want too see you... those exact words which although horrible,didnt exactly tell me much either

did it mean didnt want to see me then?

,didnt want to see me ever?

i tried in vain for most of the night sending pleading almost begging texts to tell me what the hell id done to upset her

ive given up now,i didnty reply after that and its been pretty much a month since then and shes never text since that please go away text

i did alot of nice things for her,i cannot understand how after loving me as i presumed she did to being cold hearted

silly things like my expensive jacket is still there

i have googled bipolar alot and its a horrible disease that the person carnt help

im just finding it hard to know if its just the bipolar or that i might have done something

all i can think of is that back to the early days of when i sent rude messages online,did i happen to message one of her freinds also on the dating site and by pure chance,did they meet up and my partner then finds out i was rude to women on the site

long shot i know but its a small world so im afraid its always possible

it wasnt a nice side of me back in the early days so i probably deserve to be caught like that but it was before my partner and i was true in mind body and spirit since we first met

so that is my dilema and i know its like asking how long is a piece of string

was it me caught by chance? is it the bipolar? 

she has never accused me of anything so i dont know if that is good or bad,i would have thought she might want her own answers for closure,ie did i talk dirty to other women when being with her etc but no accusations on anything,just this silence

she was thrilled to bits with me one minute and thrilled with the washing machine then silence

i have written her a really nice letter and my freind met the sister to pass it over

i dont want to stalk her,the letter is not all about how down and heartbroken i am.just about the good things,how much she meant and just that id surport her and love her unconditionally

no reply though yet im afriad

just want someones advice as to how bipolar works and wether it can hit the low cycle as quick as it seemed to and for the low cycle to go on for almost 6 weeks

again most women reading this would say serve me right but i really am clueless even though ive googled alot about bipolar but i really truthfully loved her

thanks for reading

 

2

For one. She’s isn’t diagnosed with bipolar disorder so I would stop googling  until she gets a medical diagnosis. Two. Everyone is different , no two people are the same, I have bipolar disorder and wouldn’t act the way this woman has. My psychiatrist says that your personally is magnified when you become unwell even high or low.  You can’t force someone to get help nor you can’t  force someone to let you be apart of their lives . Bipolar is an illness but with the right treatment you can live a normal life . I have a wonderful life with an amazing husband and daughter. Yes I still have bad episodes but I am able to identity them before it gets out of control .  If I can’t then my family can see the signs. 

3

hi stacey

thanks for replying

she deff has clinical depression but just thought id google bipolar as thats what her family thought

i dont want to appear to be a stalker,i do not feel that i can go down and get the family envolved and as i get no replys from my and now i have to presume she is my ex.i struggle to get any closure as she never actually has told me either way

its hard to think that you can be loved one minute then ignored the next,if she was that angry with me then id expect some accusations but the silence is worse.

 

4

just wanted to add some of the forums touched on this silent treatment being one sign but again,i know its not exactly the same for everybody.it did also say that some sufferers even accuse you of all kinds of things but ive not even had that,just total silence.

it helps me to talk about it to people as im so lost

5

I'm sorry for what you are going thru.

Have she been to a doctor that you know of it? Does she take medication?

She needs to be diagnosed first.

I have a boyfriend who is bipolar and I also met him on a dating site 2 years ago. Thinks have been with ups and downs and it's hard to tell what triggers his moods.

I also leave him alone and let him cope but he knows I'm there for him. I just know it's not good to force things on him.

I guess all depends on how you feel about this girl and if you are willing to put up with it.

Just let her you are there for her.

I hope she goes to the doctor and get the right treatment.

And as for you, YOU only know what you want in your life, ask yourself if it's worth it.

I ask myself this all the time and I struggle all the time. Sometimes i wish that I never met him, but I guess it's was for a reason.

Good luck to you.

6

hi lorena

i only knew about her chronic back pain and this clinical deppression,i know it was bad enough that she had suicidal thoughts even when she appeared happy with me and i know that the drugs and anti depressents she takes are hardcore

i knew nothing about bipolar untill it was seemingly mentioned by her family at the time of when i went to see her unannounced but again,i only have her word for that

ive been on the forums and alot of what people experiance with the mania type behaviour seems to fit as to what she was like.i didnt live with her,i could only see her once or twice a week but feel that if id lived closer,or had moved in,then id prob have seen more and more weird behaviour

i dont think she was diagnosed medically,or it was  just what her family thought

it was a quick romance,everything happened like really fast like falling in love etc which again,kind of fits the bipolar mode

maybe i was a quick fix when she was in the good mood cycle then when the low hit,i wasnt what she wanted and she moves on again searching forever for some love thats not there

im really not belittling bipolar,i know people get upset that the word is used to loosley but im stuck in this no closure mode.also i read horror stories of where the sufferer lies and cheats so it all builds up in my mind

im not at the stage where i can be angry as i truly dont know if i was just caught out for past naughtiness which technically was before i met her slightly or it really is bipolar

i think id struggle now if we got back together as the first time i dont get a text after a day,id just go to pieces again

but saying that,id atleast sit down and talk out some options with her to see if its workable but she has to get in touch and i dont think she will sad how are you coping and where are you at in your own mind?

7

hi lorena,i did reply but it seems to be moderating my reply and hasnt sent it

8

It's OK. No problem

I hope everything goes well to you.

9

im not sure if she was properly diagnosed or just what her family thought

i know she had said to me after that she didnt think she had it. i knew her clinical depression was bad as she was on some really hardcore drugs and the behaviour i saw briefly seemed to fit the mania type cycle of bipolar but i think clinical depression is kind of along the same kind of lines but i could be wrong

i just dont know if she caught me out for my past internet sex chat which technically was just before meeting her and i was true to her since i met her or its bipolar/depression

i guess it would have been hurtfull though seeing as she thought i was a clean cut guy and then finds that out

im actually a nice guy,but understand she could think i was not who i said i was

id like to surport her but i dont think she will get back in touch,seems to be too long now but to give me no closure is very strange,i thought if she were angry at me doing something,she would have hurled some sort of acusastion by now or the very least,a cheap hurtfull insult

how are things with you now?

10

Things are OK. I haven't seen him for over a month now but we keep in touch, long phone calls and texts.

For now I'm good with that.

In your case I would say, maybe it's time for you to walk away before you get more attach to her and too involve, but all this is up to you.

You know what's best for you.

11

yes see i dont even get any response,which makes it difficult to judge wether it was my so called past crime or depression/bipolar. i cannot and dont want to drag her family into it,i know she is under heavy pressure with the daughter needing help with being pregnant and already having a young child with adh and also the daughter having clinical depresion too 

and on top,an 89yr old mother just being diagnosed with breast cancer

maybe she has just got overwhelmed with it all

i have made the letter as loving as i can make it without it being all about me and that can only be my final thing to do

but untill i hear from her and prob wont,i canot seem to get past the guilt that it could have been me who upet her so its impossible to move on

we are both of good adult age so id have expected atleast a dear john letter from her but the silence doesnt make any sense which leads me down the bipolar road.

maybe i was what she wanted in her good mood cycle then when she got low,im not as that seems to be a part of it where they endlessly search for a perfect life or love that doesnt exist,and only exists as long as there good mood cycle lasts

so so so many possibilities{(

12

George

All you needed to ask was about Bi Polar

It sounds like She may have other things on her mind, I do not know the context of your relationship and if She may have someone else.

You seem to have had a complex relationship here and you have had some interesting times Try being more understanding and polite when dealing with people from a dating agency

13

hi borderriever

yes completley understand where your coming from

i just wanted to paint the whole picture 

the relationship was fast moving,intense,up and down all in a short space of time so it does fit in with i guess mania cycles and lows..or as you say,she could have met somebody else but she was forever tired and exhausted with her smashed spine and back condition she had been celebate for 3 years mainly because of her clinical depression and it took her a month to pluck up the courage to tell me that part because she didnt want to scare me off so i dont think anybody else is envolved.

we went from loving and me being the best boyfreind to zero within days.her family thought she had bipolar,i didnt pluck it out of the air,i didnt really know what the illness was till i started to google it but theres so many symptoms and people are affected in so many ways,silence and just being cut off was one of them 

if its the illness which i was just trying to see if my prediciment kind of fitted then i want to help but the silence is hard to understand,even if they carnt help it,its still hard to get your head around

and if its me,then believe me im paying a heavy heavy price for being a stupid man for getting a kick out of talking dirty

14

George

Give this person time if it is Bipolar it is a difficult thing to live with for both Partner and Patient. However I do feel that You should not hold your breath. Although the condition can allow rapid mood swings you MAY be shocked with another phone call

You say She is a Pain Sufferer, it may be beneficial for Her to be seen in a Pain Clinic, He GP will be able to advise

BOB

15

hi borderriever

thanks for your advice,i wrote a really nice letter which my freind hand delivered on tuesday just gone

it wasnt about how hurt i was,mostly just how special she was to me and that i would surport her in anyway i could

still no reply though so am just trying to accept its either illness or my past misdemeaner

its obviously her way of finishing things beit for sane,or depression reasons

i still sit here with my brain trying to fit square pegs into round holes and endlessly guess as there were no accusations,no dear john reply saying its not you,its just me etc

this is the hardest part to deal with

i totally understand that her mum has breast cancer,her daughter has the same clinical depression and is pregnant with one child and already has a small boy with ahd so she is forever running between the two

and shes on some hardcore medication for both depresion and her back

anyway i will update if she gets in touch but i fear the worst after hearing about this sort of things on the forums

i guess i have to concentrate on me now which is hard as im broken hearted, and hope she will find her own way back to me

16

George

All I will say is give her time, she has a great deal to consider, she will do that over the twelve nights of Christmas.

Enjoy your season of good will and get on with your life hopefully you will meet the right person for you and will treat Her with great respect

Merry Christmas and an Positive New Year

BOB

17

and the same to you bob

merry christmas