Nightmares happening while I'm awake?

Signs and symptoms
1

I'm 26 years of age. My consious nightmares only started 2 weeks ago, but let me go back to the beginning where this all started.

When I was young my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer, at such a young age I didn't understand but as I got older I understood more and more, through some of my teenage years I blocked it out, which I think was natural, no child wants to think that their parents will die, especially at the hands of cancer. When I was about 17 it started to sink in, the nightmares began, only mild at first from what I remember, then they got progressively worse to where I would remember the nightmare, every detail and it would wake me up crying and sweating, might be worth pointing out that while the nightmares were at their worst on the nights I wouldn't have them I would experience sleep paralysis, since I moved out I haven't had sleep paralysis but the nightmares have stayed, the nightmare is always the same and always the same outcome. I'm at my dad's bedside and I'm holding his hand as he says goodbye to me for the last time that's when I wake up. Fast forward to 2 weeks ago, I was having a shower and I was about to get out and I was stopped dead in my tracks, there it was, the nightmare again buy I was fully awake I was panicking and crying, I couldn't stop it, I couldn't move and there I was at my dad's bedside even though I knew full well I was in the shower I could feel the water on me but I wasn't in my bathroom, the nightmare ran it's course and I was crying but I was now in my bedroom with pyjamas on, how has that happened?

Can anyone help me?

2

I'm so sorry you're going through all this. It sounds like delayed PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) to me. As you say, you blocked out all the upset of your father's death for many years, quite understandably. However, these things can come back and hit us when we least expect it.

I really think you need some professional help with this one. I don't know which country you're in, but if it's the UK you're going to have to start with your GP, and I'm afraid his/her first reaction is likely to be to reach for the prescription pad. Medication can sometimes help a bit, but only in the very short term. Ideally, you should insist on getting some grief counselling.

If your GP won't help, or will only give you medication, and if you're in the UK, perhaps you could try googling MIND or SANE, which are both mental health sites. They may well be able to direct you to a suitable counselling service. If you're not in the UK, try googling counselling services in your area.

One thing does jump out from your story, and that's the bit about apparently being in the shower, then suddenly finding yourself back in your bedroom, in your pyjamas. Were you actually still in bed when you came to yourself?

I note you say you've had sleep paralysis in the past. I know quite a lot about this, partly as a former neuro nurse but mainly as a lifelong sufferer myself. One of the phenomena associated with sleep paralysis is something called "false awakenings". I had these a lot when I was young, and still occasionally get them now. This is a kind of hallucination, where you get up and start going about your daily business in a perfectly normal, convincing way... then suddenly find yourself still in bed. Convincing as it seemed, none of it happened, you were in bed the whole time, having a kind of lucid dream.

I'm not saying this is definitely what happened to you on the morning you describe, but it sounds like a good candidate to me. I know from personal experience just how real these false awakenings can be, especially the first time it happens

The thing to hang onto is that you're not going crazy. That's not why I was suggesting counselling. It's just that I think it might help with the PTSD. I hope you'll soon get the help you need to recover from you father's death.

3

Thank you for your response, me and my terrible wording has brought the impression that my father has died, he hasn't, he's been terminal since I was 2 years of age, so I think I've been grieving a death that hasn't happened.

Regarding the bathroom incident I was on my bed in my pyjamas with a towel over my hair which was wet, I don't know if that helps your analysis any.

My sleep paralysis was never good experiences, I always felt like there was someone pushing against my chest and I couldn't breathe, I read something where if you train yourself to move a finger it snaps you out of it but I cannot say if this is correct or not as I no longer experience it.

I have been to my GP before and I have been I to counselling as I went through a bout of depression, however I came here as I find it easier to speak to those who have experienced the same or similar, I appreciate that the professionals have done all kinds of training to be a counceller but I believe there's still a lack of compassion, unless you have experienced something on the same level you cannot truly understand.

Thank you for your reply I don't feel so alone