Not sure if I am depressed or just feeling down

Mental health
1

Hello everyone, 

My backstory:

I am a 19 years old male, live in Holland, I am currently following a study,  Don't have a job, no friends besides my 2 best friends (I know them as long as I can remember), I don't go out, I am not particularly good at anything and I have no particular hobbies I actually enjoy.

Friends.. I feel like no one really understands me, I am boring and feel stupid (Even though I probably have more common knowledge, but talking about it seems boring) and I feel like i'll just be a pain for them. I don't need them anyway, so why bother.. The solititude makes me feel better.

My life situation:

I was bullied in my childhood, therefore I took a lot of my time up in playing video games or watching TV, which made me a total shut in, I still had friends throughout my life and it was never really a problem making and upholding friendships besides my psychological scars. Up to this day, I still play a lot of video games (people would say a lot but it's not as much as I used to). Weirdly though, I am indifferent about everything (I don't wanna do anything new, I tried.. but everything is boring), but I don't hate video gaming so that's why I do it.

If it means anything, no I am not gay, nor am I really interested in trying to join the conquest for women. I'll just be a nuisance to them anyway. And no one wants to hang out with a boring person. 

I take no joy in other tasks, nor will do I feel the need to do anything else. I used to like reading, but nowadays it feels like I skip over the sentences and forget what I read next page. I used to have a good memory, and brain in general, but nowadays I feel like I am 80, e.g. my mom asks me to do something. I'll say: "yes in 5 minutes", 2 minutes later I completely forget it.. Obviously very frustrating. It happens with everything and I am not sure if it's because of the sleep problem I have been suffering for ages now (It's just getting worse and worse).

On to the next part then. I always thought I was fine, ever since my 15th (Was when I got into a new class and problems caught up again) my quality of life has just been deteriorating and every once in a few days I just feel like hugging the train. "Life is hard but the front of a train is harder" -  Is what a friend of mine once said, it's a good metaphore, though kind of cruel.

Anyway, ever since I was feeling this way, and we are 5 years later now, my parents still haven't noticed anything and I don't really wanna reveal it anyway. I have been hiding my negative feelings since forever, it's only natural for me to do it now. Go to my internship and smile, go to school and smile, etc. etc. While I feel miserable to the core.

Motivation and concentration:

I dropped a level (Our education is in levels in Holland, hard to explain so  I won't bother) in middle school because of my lack of motivation. Just now I switched studies because I wasn't ejoying it. Realized I won't enjoy anything so I will just continue and finish it. Don't know what I want to do after this at all, it feels like I am running in a dark forest and stumbling over roots and stumps. I will finish this study soon and I need to choose something to do at college, but it feels like I won't ever be good at anything and I am not good or interested in anything now. Used to be curious.. Not anymore.. I watch documentaries (yes, even now) on a daily basis but I forget everything. It doesn't stick. Can't satisfy my curiousity. 

Health:

Being 19, 178 cm tall and 51kg (yes, 51kg). I would say I SEEM healthy besides the slight underweight. It's the only feeling I really like: staying healthy. Though, here it bumps on the motivation. I want to gym, jog, do whatever to stay healthy. But I can't, I can't bring myself to go outside of my boring lonely safety bubble to go outside to do anything like this. I just can't. My weight? Well, you could say I am kind of on the small size, but I honestly don't care what I look like anymore. Why would I bother.

Hobbies:

I have been gaming for as long as I can remember and it's been a part of me ever since I started. As of now though.. I don't enjoy it anymore (Not sure if I ever did), I don't hate it. But everything just feels useless. I always liked the sense of accomplishment when I did that certain something that my "would be" friends couldn't do. Now though, I am just alone, the feeling is gone, everything is gone.

Besides video games, I used to like reading, but I already explained before. Everyone likes music, so sure I do as well. For a long time I have been listening to all sorts of classical pieces and I finally pressured myself into getting myself to buy a piano and try something new to perhaps replace video games. I feel like I'll never get good and that it's already useless to try. I am not even sure if I like it or just doing it because I already started. 

My internship (skip if you like):

It might not feel important, but I am particularly feeling this way since I started this internship (which is around 20 weeks ago). I run 40 hours a week, excluding traveling, besides that I don't do much else. At my internship I do absolutely nothing. I sit on my ass all day, reading posts about whatever, watching documentaries or just listening to music, I do the once in a while assignment my boss gives (I don't get a lot and I feel like they are easy tasks so I only spend like 10% of my 40 hours on those). Is this kind of life destroying my brain and well-being?

TL;DR. I have always been smart, gifted perhaps (I scored in the 98th percentile at Mensa), and got easy As at whatever without learning. Now I forget everything. I don't have hobbies and I don't enjoy anything. And I'd rather just do what I always did than try something new because it will suck anyway, I take no joy in anything.

Consensus is what I am looking for. 

What am I experiencing. Is this common? Is it depression? What can I personally do to fix this (going to the doctor feels pointless, what can he/she do). Is not feeling emotions besides anger, frustrated and tired worrysome? It feels like everything is destroying my brain and I get more stupid by the day, is this a side effect of depression or just because of my sleep deprivation? Will my brain ever return to normal?

I am not fit at all, and I am not good with my hands. Everything needs to come from my brain and I feel like I'll end jobless for the rest of my life if it continues like this. Is happiness an illusion? Do other people feel this way but drown it with alcohol or by being social?

Thanks for reading, I am sorry for the length.

Yours sincerely,

Anonymous

2

You're trapped in an anhedonic state where nothing is interesting or enjoyable and time with friends seems useless and a waste since you no longer derive pleasure.  I am the same way.  I cannot expeerience any joy or satisfaction from anything.  I started aripiprizole in addition to my regular meds in blind hope it'lll help, but at this point I'm doubtful I'll ever get over this.  Apparentlly, others have posted similiar feelings of everything being devoid of enjoyment and feeling no pleasure or satisfaction from anything.  I hope that as antidepressants can mitigate depression that this anhedonic state(persistent) willm dissipate and one day we can enjoy ourselves every now and then.

3

Hi Stuckintime, i think your clearly depressed and that you need to face up to it. See your doctor and talk to them about it and i think you should also tell your family. I know that it is scary but they care and love you. Going to the gym helps me, even when i really dont want to but you have to force yourself to make positive changes rather than sitting about as no one can truly make a difference and get you out of this cycle but yourself. I dont mean to sound harsh or tell you to pull yourself together cause that is not want any of us who are depressed want to hear but its true that you have to get yourself out of your comfort zone and try new things. Its not easy and you will still have negative feelings from time to time but whats the alternative? 

4

Is this destroying my brain, or does that come with the sleep deprivation I am suffering from thanks to my anxiety? I feel like I am dropping 1 IQ a day and forgetting more and more about my past and even the present. Is it just a concentration problem that comes with it or is it something permanent?

5

Hi buddy,

You have put into words your thoughts and feelings very eloquently so i know for a fact that you are NOT stupid. However, you do suffer from a fairly poor and distorted self-image (which is more common than just among depressed people). Cut yourself some slack. You do have youth and health on your side. Perhaps you can share something of what you are going through with a close family member or one of your best friends. You don't need to tell them everthing if you think this may overwhelm them - just give them as much as you think they can handle. Then share more if they respond well. Talking to an objective third party (e.g. helpline volunteer, health professional) can sometimes be useful. You can tell them anything without fear of being judged or wishing you hadn't been so open. There aren't the same consequences as when you open up to someone you know - it can alter the relationship (though not always, depending on how sympathetic and mature the listener is).

I get the impression that you have not been challenged enough in your life and your boredom stems partly from intellectual stagnation. You are doing the right thing in looking for new things to discover but don't feel guilty if the piano is not for you. You obviously have a very sensitive soul. Music can be very therapeutic - I find classical music particularly so when I am in the right mood. You have very high expectations of yourself but new things take time to master and there may be a few failures along the way. that's OK - it's the way life is and it's how we all learn. I hope you tap into something you find to enjoy soon. I think you have a lot to offer this world so please don't give up or rush things out of frustration. Live one day at a time and find something to be grateful for and share with someone. I know your self-confidence will increase in time. Good luck, my friend. Please let us know how you get on.

Best wishes, Digsby