Hello, my name here is Meggy, it is not my real name, but it doesn’t really matter. I feel a bit lost and I thought that writing here is a safe option. I am depressed (at least this is what I think I have). I actually suspect bipolar disorder, OCD, and PTSD but it has never been confirmed by a medical professional. I always try to push trough, to keep the outside mask. I also try to help myself, but I just think that recently I “crashed”. In the past I was prescribed antidepressants but later a pituitary tumour was found and a new doctor did not want to prescribe antidepressant, as it is not safe. I heard that there are no safe antidepressants if one has a pituitary issues. The first contact doctor suggested supplements to me to help with vitamin deficiencies which I may have and she gave me general advice. I also called confidential mental health line several times and I had several psychotherapies in the past. But still this does not help. I am not medicated and quality of my life is not high. In fact, the occasions when I feel well or anxiety free are very rare. I force myself to go to work and then I sleep as much as I can. I do some small duties and force myself to do anything. I feel I need a proper therapy and medication, but therapies are expensive and medication is harmful and may deteriorate my preexisting health problems. Currently I just lie in bed and cannot find strength to stand up and do the things. I feel trapped. Just some days ago, I felt happy for a while (like 2 days or so) but my bf was rough with me and it triggered low mood. I feel I cannot spend money on therapy also because I do not trust doctors. What if they report me and I lose child custody in future? Also they seem not to have a clue what is wrong with me.