Lengthy, so TL:DR Cannot hold a job due to once a month my back hurts so much I cannot work. Managers do not accept this nor accept it as worth their time keeping employed - Making me feel like killing myself because I cannot hold the job due to something not my fault and feel like I am worthless as a human.
I not been to the doctors around depression or anxiety though I easily get them. If I do a mistake at a workplace I feel terrible, even more so when I know the manager will be upset with me.
I been trying to find work after my christmas temp contract ended because I hate being unemployeed. I finally found one 5 minutes away from me but the training place is 2 bus trips away. I am trying my best to get to the area specially when I need to be there so early in the morning, however I suffer from terrible back pains when it is that time of month.
For 1 day at most I cannot do anything, my back hurts me so much I either cannot settle or try to reduce the pain but all that helps is a waterbottle (heat pads do not offer the same amount of heat to reduce the pain), even with it, I am still in pain so often need a day off to stop the pain so next day it is at least bearable.
My manager has told me the max days off we can have sick in a year is 3 days, any more and you get warnings and leads to losing your job. In most cases they only allow you off more then 3+ days if you are on your deathbed, anything else they say you can come into work with as you are not dying.
I explained this, but now I just been worried all day this training will be for nothing and I will end up back on the dole where I am sent for jobs 2 bus rides away which is not suitable for me or where I "work for free for a month and they call it work experience" which never ends with a job.
What can I do here? I feel like I am just pointless as I human, I want to be useful to the world but how can I when this one flaw stops me working once a month and no one wants to put up with that? My body won't accept tablets or pills and if I try I just throw up, nor can I trick myself into taking them.
My mother has just told me to just deal with it but her back pains are no were close to as bad as mine but she won't understand how I feel with it.
I cannot talk to anyone in my family about how I often feel it be better if I die because they just tell me to grow up with any problem I have forcing me to be distant to sharing my issues/feelings growing up.
Only thing stopping me is thinking what will my best friend feel if I am gone and the thought of her upset just makes me feel even worst of a human because I feel guilty very easily.
I am at wits ends here, I can work and do any job I am told but this flaw just makes people not want to hire me. I am stuck in an endless cycle with no solution.