Ok so here's a good one!

General health and lifestyle
1

ok. So I know I've contributed to a few conversations the las t few days. Mainly because it was the first time Id had a drink in a month. But now I have a problem and I need help. Please.

its not to do with alcohol or drinking but maybe it's because I had a drink on Friday?

anyway, my daughter told me yesterday that she'd dumped her boyfriend. They'd been together 6 years and she's only 24. It came as a real shocj

k to me and I was devastated. It sounds so bloody stupid I camt even begin to describe to you how I felt. 

Well actualy I can.and I know why. Omg what have i done.

 

2

You slept with your daughters' boyfriend?

3

Liz, you have to explain why you are so upset, why is it your fault?  it's okay to talk to us, we won't judge, we are here to help.  If it helps to talk, we are here to listen.

Sorry to hear you so upset.

Pat xxxx

4

Perhaps you could be a bit clearer about your actions, so people don't assume anything 

5

HI Liz

Would like to know how to help and need more background information like the others have listed. What was it that you did that was so awful? We understand that you had a drink which is bad in itself but is there something else? Just wondering.

6

of course I didn't sleep with my daughters boyfriend! I'm not that bad!

she doesn't know her real father, he left us when she was 6 months old and we haven't seen him since.

her stepfather, who brought her up from the age of 2 to 18 hasn't seen her since we split up 5 years ago either. He punishes me by refusing to acknowledge her existence. Which is very sad and stupid, in my opinion. So she has been " dumped" by the 2 significant father figures in her life.

then she had to put up with my drinking, which started after my husband left me (her stepfather).

so I know this sounds stupid, but I really thought the one good thing in her life was her boyfriend who she met at university. And now they have ended their relationship. It was her decision but I know she is devastated really. And somehow I think it's my fault and I feel so devastated. I don't know why. I feel like I have let her down somehow.

writing this it sounds so silly. 

Maybe im a bit depressed at the moment? Maybe my pills aren't working.

i just think the one good thing in her life has been thrown away. 

Shes ok about it though. She sees it as a new beginning. And it is.

so why do I feel so bad?

I couldn't stop crying when she told me and I even broke down at work yesterday. Every time I think about it I cry.

maybe it's just a maternal thing?

but I'm worried about her and think she's done the wrong thing. But that's just me projecting my issues onto her relationship. After all it's her life, her decision and her future. And if she's happy about it then that's all good isn't it?

so why do I feel like it's my fault? 

7

Well, Liz, apologies for suggesting that, bt you did leave us all hanging!!!! This is not your fault, both my daughters ended long term relationships with boyfriends, and now my grandaughter has done the same,and it hurts because they became part of the family. But you cant make her decisions for her. She will bounce back, she's young. Just like I cant control what my alcoholic husband does, you cant control your daughters' life.

8

I actually think I'm depressed. I think it's being coming on for a while. I carry so much guilt. All to do with drinking. I lost custody of my son through drinking. He's only 14 now. He was 11 at the time. I tried to kill myself. Due to depression and drinking. 

My ex husband raped me after we'd split up and broke into the house on numerous occasions. He's a police officer so he got away with it. They tried to cover it up for a couple of years but eventually the police internal commissioning agency got involved and they looked into it. I had to give a 3 hour video interview which was very traumatic but the police officers involved with that we're brilliant. I had a panic alarm installed in the house afterwards and he was warned to keep away from me. He was arrested and put on sick leave until the investigation completed. Anyway, the internal police were convinced they would get a conviction but they didn't. The crown prosecuting service didn't progress the claim. There wasn't enough evidence. Even though all my and his friends gave statements to say how much he had changed since he joined the police, and became controlling and manipulative it wasn't enough. So they dropped the case.

the chief barrister of the cps wrote me a personal letter saying that although he believed me, and that I had given a very compelling interview he didn't feel it was enough to convince a jury. So he didn't allow it to go to court. He said he didn't want to put me through the trauma for a risky outcome. Also the proces would have damaged my children.

to say I was devastated was an understatement. At the time.

even the police officers involved cried with me at the outcome.

that day, after they'd gone 

back to station, I tried to kill myself. It was all too much. I'd lost. 

But I lost much more afterwards.

i was in hospital. And my son went to stay with his dad.

I was only in hospital for 2 days but his dad didn't tell my son how long I was in for. My son thought I was in for months. 

9

Thank you, Liz, for taking the time to tell us your story....and what a sad story it is.  It sounds to me that you are battling on all fronts - especially with the depression.  Perhaps it's time you looked for more help from the professionals.  I feel worried about you.

Pat xxxxx

10

My son thought I was in hospital for months and his dad didn't tell him the truth. Even though he knew. He took me to court for custody of our son. And because I was so ill and depressed I didn't go to the hearing. So basically I gave him up to his dad.

he now lives with his dad on the other side of town. He comes to me every weekend and seems to be happy with the arrangement. It's not all bad. I known that some people think I am a terrible mother because I gave him up. But in my defence, and a very weak defence it is too, it was the best thing for my son at the time.

whatever happened between me and his dad was our problem. Not our sons. I know that his dad loves him more than anything in the world. He would never hurt him and he doesn't have the issues that I had and still have. He is safe with his dad. His dad isn't going to run out to the outdoor for booze every night. He's not going to sit crying into his dinner like I did. He will look after him and love him like a parent should. And most of all make him feel safe and secure.

and I couldn't do that when I was ill.

i can now, at least I thought I could, but it's too late. He's at a good school, has made friends, is doing amazingly well and I can't take him away from that now. I can't afford to live on that side of town, so it's not an option for me to live nearby and share custody.

so I have him every weekend and most of the school holidays. And I know he still loves me.

at xmas he opened up to me for the first time about how my drinking made him feel. We both cried a lot, but we got our feelings out in the open and I was honest with him. He found out I'd only been in hospital for 2 days but I didn't tell him I'd tried to,mill myself. That would have been too hard for him to handle, so I told him I was very depressed and it was a medical situation that could be controlled with medication.

was that wrong do you think.

 Should I have told him the truth?

my heart tells me no.

anyway, all of that and my daughters current situation is playing on my mind. I am carrying around a very heavy burden of guilt. And so I bloody should. It's all my fault. No one forced the alcohol down my throat.

i did it to myself. I have no one to blame but me. And I carry on doing it.

not very often, but it happens.

and then I feel so sh*t. I hate myself and I want it to be all over. But I can't do that. Not to anyone and not to my kids. So I have to keep fighting the urge. And hope that one day the pain goes away. 

Oh god!

 I'm so sh*t.

11

Liz, my heart goes out to you. There is no point in me telling you to pick yourself up and start again, you do need professional help, as Patricia said. Your doctor needs to assess your depression. I think alcohol causes depression,wether you are the alcoholic or living with one (like me) It destroys lives, and there is no one solution for everyone, we're all different

12

What help can I get though? I'm on an anti depressant that finally suits me with no bad side effects apart from teeth grinding and tinnitus,

if I go and see my doc he may change my medication which will then put me off kilter for a while and may make things worse.

and talking to a mental health doctor will take weeks. I'm not on their books anymore as I'm deemed to be ok. So I'm not a priority. And anyway the NHS is appalling when it comes to mental health issues. 

When you are depressed and need the most help, it's not there. Appointments can take 6 weeks and by that time you are probably feeling a bit better or dead. And if you're not dead, the feeling better will probably make you play down what you were feeling 6 weeks ago. So it's a no win situation. 

I need help now. Not in 6 weeks time. 

So hat do it do other than kill ,ysef to end the pain.

 

13

Paul. Do you have any advice.

please?

how do I cope with the all absorbing guilt?

14

Oh dear, dear Liz, I so feel for you... that was me, but in many, many ways I was a lot worse....

I have four children, I began to drink heavily she my daughter was about eight, my twin sons ten and my eldest son twelve.... I have no excuse, but I began to drink to cope with a lady boss, I only worked about twenty hours a week and my husband worked nights..... like you, I carried the most horrendous guilt, my daughter would find me passed out in a compost heap, really !! I hid a bottle in THERE, in fact I had them in so many places, I forgot where most of them are....as time went on, one of my twin sons became very ill, he was sectioned for four months, ( at the same time my daughter was severely cutting herself, hidden, but we never noticed because our son was so I'll ) ... as time went on I became worse... sacked from jobs..... overdoses..... in end I was eventually sectioned four times....

But, there is GOOD NEWS. I have now been well for twelve years!!! Life is still at times very sad. Our three adult sons live at home still, as all three sadly have mental health problems.... there are an absolute joy to us, but the terrible sadness is all that they have missed out on.... at the moment they are stable-ish !! Which is great and our daughter is having a baby boy in early April xxx .I have kept well too.

BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS......YOU MUST FORGIVE YOURSELF... you never intentionally tried to hurt anyone, and in fact you have shown great, great courage in your handling of your past difficult circumstances..... which were in NO WAY YOUR FAULT..... draw a line under the past, try every day, I slipped up time and time and time again. But I just thought... okay, tomorrow is a new day...... your children love you, and you them, you!!! Deserve to be happy too, you have come through what would have destroyed lesser people..... hold your head up high, you are worth as much as anyone else remember that..... face every day as a new beginning, the past has gone ( and you have certainly, unfortunately, unfairly have had to pay the price alone )..

I wish you and your family great HAPPINESS, your daughter will be fine xxx as will your son xxx and why not, they have two parents who love them dearly..... I send you all the best wishes in the world and great big hugs,.. take care... Deirdre xxx

15

Deirdre, your advice to Liz is perfect!  You have been there-and come out the other side, and your experience must help her x

16

I just had to come and thank Deirdre for that amazing post to Liz.  It was amazing and I hope Liz finds it as helpful as it seemed to me.

There are so many wonderful people on here, they are kind and caring even though they have their own problems, I find it so heartwarming.

Pat xxxxx

17

Hi thank you both from the bottom of my heart for your lovely, lovely comments, Liz deserves all the support she can get, she must be a remarkable lady, and I hope so very much that she finds great HAPPINESS and PEACE , she so deserves, I wish you all the very best that life can give.... huge hugs... Deirdre xx

18

You are a very special woman, I admire you more than I could ever express.  I also wish I had your strength, I am still drinking every night and I can't see that I will ever be able to get out of that habit, but hearing stories like yours makes me feel that I have nothing to complain about.  What an amazing person you are.

Huge hugs back to you and thank you for sharing.

Pat xxxx

19

Hi, dear Patricia, never, ever give up hope xxx, I never thought that I would be able to do it, but the sheer bliss of not having to drink 24hrs a day to stop the unbearable withdrawal symptoms is still something I am grateful for every single day, I was very lucky in a way, in the fact that I was forcibly sectioned into a mental health clinic, but it undoubtedly saved my life.... I found the COMMUNITY ALCOHOL SERVICE invaluable for many, many years, they become good friends.... I wish you loads of best wishes and great big hugs..NEVER GIVE UP GIVING UP ...DEIRDRE XXX😊😊🌼🌼🌼

20

Hi. I am so grateful to all of you. I thought my situation was bad. But I know m not alone. There are other people out there who have suffered much more than I have and yet have not given up. They haven't stopped fighting. They are unique and so strong. I wish I couldbe like them.

I think I've always had predisposition to depression. And that's how alcohol found its way into me.

i remember when I was about 7, me and my twin sister would cry ourselves to sleep at night. She got over it, but I didnt.

when I was about 17 I used to go downstairs at night and sob on the lounge floor. No one ever knew. I don't know why I did it. It wasn't alcohol. I didn't drink much then, other than the odd half a lager at the weekend. It was all I could I afford.

it was nothing to do with my childhood or parents. They are amazing and I love them so much.

i started work at the age of 17 and I remember at that time I was covered in eczema. It was all over. Especially on my face. Maybe that's what caused the depression? I had no self esteem. 

I remember one day getting on the bus to work and the driver looking at me horrified. I found out later that he worked with my sisters fiancée. He told him that he had seen the most horrendous looking person. Covered i scabs. But was quite pretty underneath.

that was me.