So I’ve never posted anything like this before or really every talked about my feelings like this but I thought it might be good for my mind to let it all out even tho I’ll probably wake up tomorrow feeling stupid for posting this until the next time I’m feeling down and I’ll be back.
So basically I’ve never been diagnosed with depression and I’ve never told anyone how I’ve been feel but I’m 18 now and I realize that I’ve has on and off depression ever since I was 13. It started after I was diagnosed with scoliosis and had to wear a back brace through middle school. I was never a touchy feel kind of person and never let on how I was feel although I felt like I wanted to die. I remember looking back and thinking about how I felt. Every night I would stare at the ceiling, lie on the floor and cry myself to sleep. It even feels stupid to say because I never wanted to be a dramatic person but the only thing that was keeping me from trying to hurt myself was that fact that it might not work and that I would have to face everyone knowing what I had been going through. So I kept on the continuous crying myself to sleep for over a year then is started to slow but never truly faded.
Eventually I started high school and didn’t have to wear my brace anymore but the problem was whenever I would get in those depressive states again I didn’t know what to blame. Before I would always blame my brace and that I had to wear that awful thing but now I couldn’t blame it anymore and I realized that I was crying for no reason. So for about another year or so I would have random days for depressed states where I would just cry and jus think about how I didn’t want to feel like this. It was then that I realize that I was probably going though some sort of depression. I didn’t realize that in middle school but obviously my brace triggered something because I knew I should not be feeling that away.
As time passed again the depressed states began to almost fade away only a few nights like that a year.
It wasn’t until just recently when those night starting coming back although it wasn’t just late night alone that I would feel this way it was in the middle of the day, I had never felt like that before. Normally I would hide my depression in my room but as soon as someone would knock on my door or I would have to leave my room I would jump out of the state because I didn’t want anyone to know. And now although I still don’t discuss my feelings I don’t seem to snap out of that state. And since I’m not that touchy feel kind of person I don’t talk to my parents personally a lot so they really can’t tell when I’m in these states.
Well anyway where I’m at now is on and off depression a couple times a month. It hits me out of know where. I’ll be totally fine hanging out with my friends than all of a sudden it’s like I’m outside of my body watching my life.. I don’t reallh know how to explain it. But sometimes I’ll be driving home after ones of theses nights and I’ll just drive right by my house and keep driving but it’s like I’m totally out of focus I’m scared because I get like this and o have no awareness to my surroundings when I’m driving. Eventually I’ll just park in my driveway and sit there and take a couple deep breaths and just breathe and remember that when I get into my house I’m going to have to put on that fake face again until I can get into my room.
These states are weird because they feel so intense and I know somethings wrong and I want to seek help but then an hour or so goes by and I’m out of it. I’m not happy jumping around or anything but I don’t feel like I’m dying and so I forget about it. And then it going on and on until the next time
I just don’t know what to do at this point because it’s not like it used to be I don’t want to kill myself(although the thought occurs rarly during one of those states) and I’m not crying myself to sleep every night like before. I know how I feel isn’t normal but I’m also sceptical to call it depression because one day I’m fine and the next I’m not. It’s hard because I don’t like talking to my parents about my feelings I’d nucb prefer a stranger but I don’t want to seek help because most of the time I’m totally fine.
Anyway not really sure why I posted this I just feel like I wanted to talk to someone without actually talking..