In short over 15 years my depression has got worse, I was diagnosed with restless leg syndrome a very severe case, legs had nothing to do with it, it was my whole being, i am under a neurologist for this. Lack of sleep and the way i felt meant my mentak well being declined rapidly, being on various anti depressants for 15 years, now on rigotine patches, my anxiety has become so bad I dont get out of bed and on 3 diazipan a day mixed with 8 codeine phosphate for my rls. I attempted suicide and the crisis team came out they said there was nothing they could do for me, the doctor then put me onto a psychologist who said I was misplaced she could offer me 6 sessions, I needed a Psychiatrist, my gp believed I had bi polar. I saw the psychiatrist, it was awful they made me feel sub human, they said they dont believe i had bi polar and would chat to the crisis team, who by now had been out twice, the psychologist that said I wasnt suited for them and they would be in touch. Being too much to take and how desperate I was I really did mean an overdose i took 50 codeine phosphate and 28 diazipan washed down with a bottle of wine, I woke up and was physically sick like you would not believe. My wife found out so back to the gp and back to the psychiatrist. He didnt even talk to me he spoke through my wife, even she was disgusted. He gave me yet another tablet as he believd the patches for my restless legs affect a part of my brain which could cause severe mood swings, in the mean time a nurse would visit regularly we've heard nothing, my depression is becoming worse, where every minute of every day i pray i just died. The GP yesterday said leave it to the mental health team, she wanted me to go into the hospital but I know this would make it worse. I have lost 3 stone and decided now just not to eat at some point hopefully something will just pack up ive gone from just under 14 stone to 10.5 stone and i'm 6'1" I'm about to lose my job, there is no chance I can work, I have told the psychiatrist i hear voices buy its like being in a busy pub you cant make out exactly what the y say but sometimes these are almost non existent other times there so loud i want to rip my head off. I don't know what else to do, Ive had this tablet to counteract the rls drug for 2 weeks and as suspected no difference, if anything it's worse. I know I'd be the most selfish person on earth people love me I think about it every second of every day, I think every second of howI'm going to committ suicide, there is no help Ive gone through every channel available and all they said is we dont think you have bi polar call it whatever you want, I'm dying inside, I was so scared 2 nights ago i wanted a drink and had to wake my wife up to get one as I was sure something was downstairs. I see lights especially at night that move I even try to grasp them theres nothing. I am a teacher and would like to say intelligent, I have thought everything through I will make sure my 3rd attempt is successful
Hello Karl
I'm so sorry to hear of your depression, RLS, suffering and suicide attempts. I have to say that there is nothing worse than feeling so down that all you can think of is a way out, but please take a moment to reconsider what you want is truly the best course of action.
Imagine all those who would be devastated and affected by your loss, and whose lives would be changed for years to come. Your wife may never recover from it, and could you honestly think it would be fair to put her through a lifetime of misery too?
I know that no-one is inside your head, and we can't feel your physical symptoms and pain, but believe me,I'm trying to get out of a hole at the moment and it's bloody tough, so I can empathise with how difficult it must be. I have every sympathy for you wihen it comes to physically challenging symptoms, I have a drug-induced movement disorder tardive dyskinesia and find every day that I truly am fighting the urge not to disapppear somewhere else. It is so soul destroying but my life is with my family and my precious daughter, and they are what keep me going despite feeling very low most of the time.
Please try to focus on the positive, get some more proper help and demand to find a professional who will actually help you rather than fob you off to the next one who can't help.
Every day is precious,despite all our problems,and there are so many who would give anything to have the gift of life. There is much to improve and look forward too, and it wlill get better. This will make you so much stronger. Just focus on a day at a time and your family, and hopefully life will get easier.
Big hugs
Hi Karl..... Your not on your own on here,, i am also having a hard time, been on Fluoxetine now for 8 weeks, and still feeling like hell, i too have lost a stone in weight, no appetite, feel very sick, full of anxiety and depression, it seems to me they are passing you from pillor to post.... I have had some positive advice on here, and so will you.... don't even consider suicide, there will be a way out in the end... i t seems to me the right medication and a good councillor, would be better for you.... Hilary
Karl I am sorry to hear how you've struggled to get appropriate help. Sadly, although my experience is not as extreme, I can relate to this.
Here is what helps me:-
1. I focus on making today as bearable as I can. I don't try to fix everything I just live today. So I try to get some fresh air. I try to speak to someone I trust. I do something NICE for me.
2. I try to remove as much of the negative as I can. So I silence negative thinking (I'm never going to get better, this is all my fault, I would be better off not here, there's no way out) and replace it with more gentle statements - I'm going through a rough patch, it will get better, I'm going to take care of myself etc I also avoid anything that makes me feel worse. So now is not the time to call my mother, or tidy a difficult cupboard etc
3. I resolve not to wait for the professionals before I do all this because if I do I would be waiting too long.
4. I keep pushing for help - knowing that eventually something will change. I try to write down what I think I need- often I do know myself best. I need to be firm in letting them know.
5. I've never been hospitalised - but if it gives you a safe place to get access to drs and meds maybe it's worth pursuing ?
6. Your wife, your school, your community NEED YOU... It's in everyone's interests for you to get well... Allow yourself time and space to do this
7. If you haven't tried venlafaxine before it may be worth it - it was the first a-d that ever worked for me.
8. Use the samaritans - they are great. My experience of the crisis team is not that good.
(PS I get restless legs - it's HORRIBLE! You have my sympathy for that. My depression has come and gone over 15 years ... I'm overall improving but have just had a relapse. I was suicidal last week - things are better this week. That doesn't mean things necessarily improve with time, but they do change. )
Ps
I have found mirtazapine helps me sleep.
Whatever the diagnosis is or isn't you need some relief from the pain (physical and emotional ) and some hope that things will improve. What other meds have you tried ? Has anything ever helped the depression ?
Depression by definition means we don't be see things clearly. Everything gets distorted.
Feeling like there's no way out is an understandable symptom of depression and not getting the right help.
Keep pressing for more help .
Well, I'm not at all surprised to hear that the infamous crisis team have done nothing constructive.
I don't know why they haven't helped you but it's very typical of mental health services to do bugger all.
You need to be admitted for assessment and treatment. It isn't normal to hear voices, and obviously it's tragic that you've reached a point where you feel that suicide is your only option.
Please don't starve yourself. And please accept your GP's advice and be admitted to hospital.
Your pain is palpable. I'm very sad for you. Keeo us posted. Love Tess
The medical profession will not help you, Karl. Youv'e got to get your mind together to get you through this.
Steve
Keep me posted. Believe me, my mind is in the same place that yours is.
Steve
Thankyouso much for everyones kind replies, depression is the lonliest place and knowing people even care enough to write comments of support has made me feel better. The thing is when I clearly need help, the mental health team is really awful. The only time they cared was the other day when I wouldnt open the door to them as the only reason they had come was because they thought i was overdosing, the simple fact is they know and was told i wouldnt open the door due to anxiety. I'm afraid the only time when they will listen is when I'm dead. I hate every second of every day, I have a child who's left home he's 19 my life assurance has been runninh for 8 years and covers me for 100k do both mortgages would be paid and yes they do pay out. Week after week pass withough anyone doing anything for me and I'm afraid i cannot stay in hspital as I suffer with RLS, I will be wandering around all night. Besides what can they do they say i dont have bi polar so i have nothing wrong with me, f there was it would take years to diagnose. I fixate on things like play one song over and over for 3 days non stop. I have akso started to slur an stutter, whether due to medication who knows? I am ashamed of mself knowing the upet I would cause but you only care aboutnthe pain of every second...why? Absolutely no idea! I should be happy 2 cars 2 houses beautiful family ho can I possibly be depressed?
Karl,It sounds like you have complex issues that require multiple people to trial thru the right balance and treatment for you, I feel your pain the frustration must be over whelming but you have to be strong hang in there dont give up something will click they will find the stable ground you have been searching for. The voices are probably extreme stress I had these also...... I attempted suicide twice and both times was revived I used hard drugs and just didnt care like you and now I have issues because I tried to end it. Suicide attempts come at a cost my man! if you consider taking your own life and dont succeed what kind of shape will you be in I know kids that ODed and ended up vegetables not cool you dont want that !!!! give it longer man something will give you'll find the balance I know you will.
Just because its not bipolar doesn't mean you aren't suffering ...
Also , Depression and anxiety are not just about our circumstances ... Our thinking patterns, our coping styles, our biology, our childhood, and so so much more ... It's not straightforward !
I find also, the shame about not coping triggers off more problems for me- I'm not supposed to be weak .., I'm useless etc ...
So once we are in a bad place , just being there can make us feel worse ...
Please don't rule out hospital because of your RLS ... There must be a way to keep you safe.
Karl, everyone who has replied to you is sad for you and worried about you.
I have yet to meet a mental health crisis team that could be described as useful, in any sense of the word.
Two months ago, my young neighbour (aged 20) knocked on my door. She was hearing voices telling her to kill herself. She believed that if she didn't kill herself, the devil would kill her family. She was seeing goo coming out of the walls.
We rang the Crisis Team. They didn't give a XXXX
I took her to A & E where the Crisis Team were forced to come and assess her. They concluded that she had full mental capaciy simply because she was able to describe to them what was happening to her. They kept telling her to keep her next appointment. Basically, it was too much trouble for them to help her. I'm a nurse myself. I got up and screamed at them. I took the girl home and stayed with her until her mum could get there.
This young lady was then told by the Crisis Team to phone the police! (We rang them again once we got home.)
So we called the police, who spent SIX HOURS having pointless conversations with the Crisis Team.
Finally, I phoned the hospital and asked to be put through to the doctor on call. He got the girl admitted immediately and she spent weeks in a mental hospital. Eventually she was diagnosed with schizo-affective disorder.
She is home now and much better.
I reckon the Crisis Team are just a case of the Mad looking after the Mad.
I do believe that you need to see a psychiatrist. What you're experiencing is severe and currently intractable.
Please stay with us, Karl, and let us know how you're doing. Love from Tess.
Mental health clinics will only make things worse for Karl. He has to try and get his head together to get him out of this. I know. I was on the third floor of a mental health clinic for a day. They do not give a darn, believe me. A human being is just one more peice of cattle for them.
Steve
Oh, I know that. I was in one myself for two and a half years.
I was locked up and never diagnosed with anything.
I've changed my mind. You're right. Karl shouldn't go anywhere near mental health institutions.
I'm so glad that you reminded me how awful they are ( I got out 17 years ago and have been fine since.) Thank you! I hope Karl is reading this.
Together, Tess, maybe you and I can try to help Karl !
We can give it a go, certainly.
What always baffled me about the nurses where I was locked up was that they were so STUPID.
I'm a nurse myself. I could never understand how they passed their exams!
Anyway, I'm going to bed now, but will give the matter some serious thought. I'lll get back to both of you guys. G'nite love Tess
KARL!!!
DO NOT GIVE UP.
Help is on the way.
We need you to stay with us and keep posting, ok? Goodnight for now. Will message again tomorrow. XXX Tess
You know a bunch of strangers are so much more caring than paid prodessionals. You are right about my childhood, mine was brutal, mum beat me relentlesslt, my memory of my dad was him trying to dtab my mum, I also believed I was sexually abused by a group of men before I was 3 I have recurring nightmare, again the experts all tell me what I need but weeks and months pass where nothing is done, if i adnitted myself to hospital it would worry my 19yr old tremendously, he is my world and I have given him everything, U suppose things I never had, but hes a good kid doesnt drink smoke go out and just landed a job as a bmw technician there is no man alive that is prouder. He lives in my other house and I fully furnished it for him. He is the only thing that keeps me on this earth, sadlt not my wife or siblingjust him. But the pain is too much for even this. I know he;d be devastated but people get over it and he wouldnt have a dad whose always ill 2 houses that are paid for, set up for life, though I'm still being paid for work half pay now, I cannot see a day i'll teach again, People may not beliece me but going on the back garden is a real challenge, cleaning the car, I panic all i want is to get home and not even downstairs it has to be in bed. I don;t sleep, I cat nap 15 mins here and there, my memory is shcking, I havde a degree in computer science so used to be quite bright now just typing this small paragraph has took 15 mins its like theres a kind of delay, Two nights ago i was certain someone was downstairs talking though m my logical brain said stop being silly, i also saw lights that were moving so much so i was trying to grasp them and Ibe explained the voices to te pssychiatrist about the voices not clear voices like voices in a pub, sometimes becoming clearer. I know I need help and I know I need it badly but ive tried everyone ther looking at personality disoder. Dont know hat I have dnt particular care but seeing someone for 40 mis every 3 or 4 weeks and even then being spoke to as a 3rd party, he even said to my wife when he took the tablets how many did he take, the dummy she was at work, why didnt he ask me I could have told him what types how many what time, planned etc, even my wife complained to my gp about him, it was after his 1st visit that caused me to overdose the 2nd time, I felt there was nothing wring with me and nothing to live for it was kike speaking to a robot without feelings, ty all for listening to my rambling , another week I go back and tell him the tablet had had no effect in fact its made me worse he'll take notes and give me another tablet and say see tou in a month. If he does I wont know what to to even my wife who id the most placid person in the workd said she felt sorry for me as every time I teied to talk he dismissed me like I wannt een there if nothing cab be dne thus time I'm simpl done
I will tell you what, you guys are fantastic, you have your own problems, and your still looking out for someone elses problems, I so admire you, so glad I am on this site..... KARL, PLEASE TAke notice of what they are saying...... Hilary xx
Good Night, Tess. I'm going through serious depression issues, myself. So I know how Karl feels.