I thought I might have got through to him lately and he might have understood. He is very understanding, not perfect but puts up with an awful lot. However, it seems he still doesn't really believe that depression / anxiety is a thing. He believes everyone feels like this from time to time (to a certain degree) and it's just a case of finding your ways of coping and identifying the reasons why you feel this way.
I'm not sure what to believe. I hear my feelings echoed by people's descriptions on here, in particular the feeling of numbness, not feeling real, thoughts whirring round and know that whatever is happening to you is also happening to me. If I go with my partners beliefs though we are all just struggling to cope a bit, he doesn't use the word weak but it is implied. I need to be 'strong' and 'deal with it'. Or at worst he'll suggest 'is it him'. Because there must be a reason and he sees the worst of it as I'm still putting on a brave face for everyone else. How can I provide reassurance when I'm so confused and truly don't know. In some ways it would be easy to say yes and separate from him (easy in the sense of explaining my low feelings, not easy in many other ways) but I don't really feel like this would solve anything with me, though it might stop me hurting him (eventually). I'm so scared that I've fallen out of love with him and that this is what these feelings are all about, feeling guilty and punishing myself. But I don't want to have, I want to love him and be happy and normal. Us not being happy and it all being my fault is tearing me apart. He's having problems with finding work so we are kind of stuck in a rut not able to go on holidays, not able to go out for meals etc (not guilt free anyway), or do any work to our house, and a year and a bit a go I moved away to be with him. I feel resentful for these things and feel so guilty for being so shallow and materialistic. I'm trying to be strong and supportive but it's tough. I want someone to come along and tell me that I do love him any everything will be ok. I just doubt everything about myself at the moment, don't feel like I know myself so how can I love someone else? Can anyone shed any light? X
When I first told my husband I had been diagnosed with clinical depression he reacted with anger and behaved appallingly towards me. Obviously this made me feel totally wretched. He took it all personally and as a sign that I was not happy with him, you see. Over the years he has become much better, although he never once has acknowledged my depression. He just ignores it now really. But at least he's not angry any more. He stopped getting angry about it when I pointed out to him that depression can afflict even people who have everything. Famous people, rich people, people like Stephen Fry. Depression is not a mental illness, but a physical one which just happens to have mental symptoms. That really helped him to understand it.
hi michelle welcome i quickly.read through your post initially i thought your boyfriend was been a pain by brushing your problems to one side which i now think it might be.just ignorance maybe hes just not experienced depression have you tried leaflets explaining what depression is and the steps you can take to treat it ! im sorry but know one can guarantee how things with go but the first step would be go to your doctor and get some help ! you are going through sticky times just know you will come through.them just get to the doctor then if your finances are a problem ask to see a financial adviser i truley wish you.the best david x
Thanks for your reply. It's good he's not angry at you anymore but do you not feel like there is a distance between you if he doesn't get something which is a big part of your life?
How do you share all your feelings with someone when it's going to make them upset, or how do you hide how you feel?
He insists he has felt how I felt at times and totally gets it, and does make a lot of sense with his suggestions of how to help deal with it. I have self referred to talking therapies, just waiting to hear back and am trying lots of things to help (was feeling much better but just had a blip which is hard to see past the moment, I'm sure it will pass). He seems to have that male trait of wanting to find a solution, he even insisted the other day there must be something in my past I'm struggling to deal with. This is upsetting as yes there are probably a million and one reasons I could latch on to but nothing that really explains this feeling whilst others struggle through so much and remain within the real world. Yes I have money worries but nothing that even requires a financial advisor let alone stops me from being able to afford to eat or heat my home. Yes I have work stress but I have a good job. Yes I maybe wish I had more friends or a closer family but so many people have it much worse. It doesn't warrant these feelings when you look at it all logically. Reminds me of the Travis lyrics "why does it always rain on me? Was it because I lied when I was 17?" Trying to latch onto a reason, and something to 'fix' but if you take this approach there will always be something else to fix! Why can't I just be ok with the way things are? There is so much to enjoy and yet I can't.
We have been married for 25 years. I long ago stopped relying on him for any emotional support. It is just not in his make up. But he has so many other good qualities that I decided to accept his short comings in the emotional department and take care of myself. He has a huge amount of stress and pressure himself and I wouldn't change places with him. I think when you love a person, you have to accept that they are not perfect. Sometimes they do not give you all that you need in life. Men especially find giving emotional support very hard. If you have a man that can give you this, then they will probably fall short in some other area of their life. Perhaps in being a good provider and giving you security. If you have a man that is good in all areas, then you really have one in a million.
Thank you, that's helped to hear. Although emotional support is very important to me in a partner (and he is very supportive in a lot of ways) maybe it's too much to ask of him and of our relationship for him to be the sole person helping me.
I realize this post is over a year old but wanted to add my input for others who may search for this topic. It is hard for someone who never experienced depression to understand it themselves. Often times they think that depression is just a deep sadness, which explains why so many think you can just move past it, get over it, or do something that can make you happy. Often times spouses do think that there has to be a reason you are feeling this way,and when you don't pinpoint what the problem is, they believe they must be the one making you unhappy. I have been researching the topic of explaining to a spouse what depression is because my husband really doesn't seem to understand it. He is trying to be supportive. But he doesn't get that it is an illness. One I have been battling for at least four years now, and one I will live with for the rest of my life. He seems to see it as me just being unhappy. That I can get myself past it if I realize things could be worse. The best ideas I've come across are to do family therapy so a profession can help me help him understand it better. Also, I've been researching bi-polar depression, anxiety and PTSD for my own benefit, and when I come across articles or posts others have written that best explain the symptoms and issues I'm dealing with, I send him the links and ask that he read them. I've also written him letters to give him action plans on how he can help me when I'm in a low as I call it, and thing that he's done or others have done that don't help me. Just my thoughts so far.
Hello Catherine I read your reply and felt although you have done your reacher into many mental health issues you are condemning yourself to a life time of drepression, I touch a little on this in my discussion about I killed myself it's so easy to fall victim to your own chanel of thought and I hope that in truth you realise this condition is a condition you can get over its as strong as you allow it to be the thing about partners and friends etc want to see you happy and when they can see your slipping into depression look at factors that may surround that I and you yourself realise that sometimes it just creeps up on you and you feel deflated but they are trying to fond a reason probably in order to help they ask what's wrong you say everything, or maybe nothing, they then due to having "normal" thought patterns try to thing of recent changes or they own insecurities play a part in the is it me or is you then take on top off everything your dealing assume a portion of guilt because not only are you feeling insecure but you've made someone feel or think that it's them that's making you that way for ppl that suffer depression I think understand it can strike at any time and for any reason hell sometimes it doesn't need to have a reason behind it it's a chemical imbalance of the brain that's all Hun and you most definilty don't have to live with it forever you need a goal plan maybe instead of providing him with things to do to help you in you low you could try to do things to prevent the low a hobbie maybe a coffee out with a few girls a Anne summers party anything that you can do that's not for anyone else but you I think it's time you thought about what makes Catherine happy what does Catherine like to do what makes Catherine smile for me personally it's the gym although it's not for everyone when I start to feel cruddy I get my gym stuff on and hit the gym I instantly feel better I think once your doing something that's selfish and just for you and with help from your dr you'll see those feelings start to subside thinking of you hope you start to feel better soon
I know this post may be older, but I see some others posting on it not to long ago. I am also struggling but more of with health anxiety. My aunt died when I was 6 with a brain tumor, as did my grandfather when I was 17. I believe since all of that happened to my mother, she would freak out and get paranoid about something being wrong with me (totally understandable). I am not almost 26, no health problems. But in September last year my mom was first diagnosed with stage 4 liver disease, she threw up 9 liters of blood and almost died (the body typically holds 13 liters). Odd thing, is she was never a drinker, almost couldnt have a glass of wine without being all loopy and never ever experimented with drugs considering growing up Christian Scientist. Anyway, its bascially a mystery and all the bajillions tests they have done they cant figure it out. My personal health anxiety i think really got bad when that whole thing happened with my mom. Its pretty much life consuming. I think everything is cancer. I have a vertebra out of place, and I thought i was for sure dying from a brain turmor. I have been off and off kind of sick, and now my arm pit is swollen and i swear my left boob was burning all day. LONG STORY SHORT, im so fed up with this health anxiety BS. I think everything is cancer. Lymphoma, breast cancer, luekemia, brain cancer, colon you name it. Does anyone find anything remotley helpful with learning to survive and actually live with it?