This is hard to write as I love the man but not the disease that is alcoholism.
Brief history is I have known him 10 yrs but only been officially together 3 yrs ie living together, he has been a drinker for 18 yrs + that I know of so well before I met him and have found out that his mother died of alcoholism when he was 5 yrs old.
I obviously knew he drank and made the decision to be with him anyway as for all intense and purposes he is ok ( high functioning ) works, pays bills etc the reality on the other hand is so bitter and soul destroying, I have come to the realisation, due to my own severe depression that the situation is now intolerable. I can't leave, I can't stay, is there anything I can do to help him ? Or do I have to just accept that he will never admit he has a problem ? That being the first step that he he will never take, is there anyone who has an answer because this is breaking me ? Thank you in advance x
I have been with my alcoholic husband for 44 years, the first 24 were great, he wasnt reallly a drinker, but the last 20 - has been a nightmare. My advice to you is dont let it go on and on like I did, get out and make a new life. It's too late for me now, I have bad health, and he says he will not stop drinking, he likes it! But he also falls down, wets himself when really bad, argues and calls me awful names, is generally horrible. And from a man who WAS a lovely husband, father and grandad. He hides vodka everywhere in the house, so it is pretty bad. The absolute worse part is the fact that he now has the start of alcoholic dementia - so he has in effect caused himself to be senile. The booze has pickled his brain, and it will only get worse, the docs have told us that- this is what you have to look forward to if you stay with your alcoholic.
You are facing the problem that most people who are close to excessive drinkers have. That of getting him to see that there is a problem. Because he functions well, that is more difficult, because he can justify his drinking by the fact that it hasn't affected his life too negatively (in HIS opinion) yet.
Can you tell me how much he is drinking and what he drinks, also how often? Does he drink all day or only in the evening? Does he ever go one day without a drink? Does he only drink in the pub or does he drink at home too? Does he drink alone or socially?
It WILL affect him. It already is, if you are feeling this way. He will also begin to get health problems as a result of his heavy drinking and those are very likely to become serious and lift-threatening. He will find that he cannot stop drinking without having physical withdrawal symptoms (if he hasn't realised that already).
On the other hand, he may be completely aware that he has a problem and is attempting to hide that from you. In that case, he is likely to react very negatively to any suggestion that he needs to deal with it.
My experience, as an alcohol tretament practitioner, is that everybody eventually recognises they have a problem. Without knowing more, it is difficult for me to guess how far he is away from that point.
He drinks every day, self employed so does do full days work, comes home cracks open either strong cider 8.5% or port 16% drinks all night even through early hours, wakes up pours more until 5am sometimes then gets up for work about 7 am but weekends or any given day he chooses to not work he drinks/ sleeps round the clock, gin, vodka whatever quantities are 1 bottle of gin/ vodka 1 ltr per day .
He has physical symptoms, sick, struggles eating diahrea all daily, drink, sleep work his routine, don't get me wrong he works hard
Yes guessed as much for the future, thank you for your reply and I'm so sorry for what you are going through as I am well aware you are also a victim of this horrible disease.
CrazyCat. You might need to take action to get him to see that you won't accept it anymore. Perhaps telling him that you care, you want him, but you won't live with the drinking any longer. He has to start seeing the serious consequences of his behaviour and fast. If you can just get an agreement from him that he needs to sort out his problem, you will have overcome a massive hurdle.
Thank you for replying Paul and I agree with you completely, unfortunately I have done this and he just goes quiet firstly then spends 2/3 days not drinking and making a ton of promises that he is going to " get back on track " " fix the house up " whatever then none of that is achieved, I must add I do not ask or expect for him to do these things or to stop drinking as I am aware that in fact it would be detrimental to his health and needs medically protected detox, then back to the drink and the cycle.
Think I need to accept he will never give up the drink ........ Sadly
Don't give up CrazyCat. There is a positive sign there that he does want to try, even if it doesn't last long. I would suggest that it is just too difficult without the appropriate help. If he was to have a proper alcohol detox, he would get medication which would make the first very comfortable and, most importantly, safe.
See if you can persuade him to do things properly. With his method of going cold turkey for three days, he is going to suffer throught those days. He is unlikely to get to a point where he feels any improvement in how he feels, quite the opposite. With a proper detox, by day 3 or 4, he is likely to have a completely different attitude as he will start to feel better, the alcohol withdrawal symptoms will be completely eliminated and he may start thinking positively about moving forward without alcohol. A detox will not 'cure' him, it will simply give him a taste of how he used to feel and can feel again. It can be a real motivator. I know that I find it very rewarding when I support a person through an alcohol detox and see a dramatic improvement in their appearance and motivation to get sorted.
To get him to a proper detox, you only need the same agreement as you have got from him before when he struggles through three days of hell to please you before giving up because it's too difficult. If you can have enough influence to get him to go through that, you can defintitely convince him to do a week with medication which will completely eliminate all physical withdrawal symptoms.
Don't give up or he will. I have sent you a private message.
Who said u can't leave a alcoholic????? Love is never enough?. Ask all the children and parents of alcoholics.
He was a child of a alcoholic
it time to face the reality he's been drinking for 18yrs + and he not going to stop now...
He never did for anyone else in his life before you.
alcohol is a DISEASE..a progressive DISEASE. IT TAKES over the brain and the cravings are so strong it overrides all the mind & body functions....he has to get that drink to feed the cravings, he is a addict . He has alcohol addiction so emotionally and mentally he is very sick. He's been surviving so long he will probably be in denial another 18 years. And no u do not have to accept his addiction..He not your partner he is a partner to alcohol.
u can stay because u love him... U can stay thinking he will change and u can stay when he gets sick looses his job and gets a DUI ... He has had many he hasn't told u a lot . I bet he knows where every pub is ...but cannot tell u where a deceit resturant is.
This is a serious progressive disease... It runs in his family....just like any other seriously non treated disease his death like his mothers and his life will start to go down hill. He will have many serious illness' eventually.. Kidney.. Liver.. Hepatitis...mind and brain alterations, shrinkage of the brain, dementia, to bipolar.. So there you have the next 10 years of his drinking that he will bring into UR life even worse...much worse.......
Is this the path you want the next ten years of your life????The is real . no sugar coating the life of a alcoholic. This is the alcoholic in all his glory with nothing but the bare facts . So much worse is YET to come.
he needs a alcoholic addiction program to learn how to live life without alcohol....
he needs to accept that he is a alcoholic....
he needs to stop the denial...
he needs to not be in a relationship who supports his behavior passivity. Or co-dependent on a partner who drinks a glass or two of wine - too! ???
YOU deserve a man who loves you more then a bottle of alcohol..this is not the man
I am sorry to be the one to be so brutally honest and tell u the horrible truth. We have all been in UR shoes and the truth be told maybe our stories will send YOU running to a better life. Read all the people here who also live with alcoholics.
GO TO THE MANY alcoholic treatment centers start with AAA SEE AND HEAR THEIR stories FOR URSELF....
Until they find sobriety for 1 year it is not safe to be with him. It can and it will get soo much worse. SORRY,,
Move out leave & tell him why ... See what happens ....see how quickly he throws away all the alcohol in the house!
yeah right!
There is hope for him but he must take the steps to help himself. No one can do it for him....the cravings control the mind of a alcoholic & EVERYTHING he does.
Leave, leave, leave while u can before it gets so bad UR life could be changed in ways u never dreamed of.
LOVE is not enough... Say it to urself over and over, "LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH"!
I will HOPE u find a way to a better life. A alcoholic is a accident waiting to happen... in so many ways there's not a book big enough to list them all.
Never get into a car with him..... NEVER.... his tolerance for alcohol is so high by now he can probably out drink three men and u would not know how much he drank......
I have left many of my TRUE stories on this site about my experiences with ALCOHOL.....PLEASE take the time to read them. THAN YOU,
I's so sorry I can't give u a better answer.........
How do you leave, when they drain you of everything, ruin your credit, your name. ? I'm injured and married an alcoholic, I didn't know at the time, how they hide it so well. Oh the destruction it has caused. Ive lost everything, including friends due to promises on his word and never followed thru. He's away now working hasn't sent a dime left us in ruins, one way it's a blessing then the mess he left me in, no job, no money, I've been in solitude these last few years,be had no license so I was pretty much the taxi ,a few years ago he got a good job I thought surely he's been thru enough will be fine,so we started building are credit and just like that drinking, driving no license lost a very good job,since we've been homless ,evicted lost multiple vehicles ,and I just shack my head there's no words to what you feel, it's as if you just say what? This isn't happening, this doesn't happen to me. Ice worked hard for 20 yrs, always paid my bills, never was evicted. So this has been so devastating to me it's like nothing ice ever seen, how can something cause so much destruction,, how can one not see the reasons are due to their drinking, I don't understand. I'm scared now I have no family as they've passed on, really no one to talk to, where do you pick up the pieces, how do you rebuild when you've been drained of everything. This has effected my physical and mental health, I used to be so outgoing full of life, had a good job with the government. Got hurt married this man and the rest is history. Any advise as to how to regain my life back . in going to remain strong and not let him back, it's very hard when they've have you in poverty, I think they know that . I really need support to help me get thru this.
I'm in the State of Oregon. There are many, many chapters of AlAnon in our communities. Would hope there is an AlAnon group that is a good fit. AlAnon can be a wonderful support as well as serving to educate you on the Disease Concept of Alcoholism. Some AlAnon members feel that they, as spouses or family members of an alcoholic, actually are afflicted with a disease, i.e. a psychological disease that results in being an enabler and/or "locked" into a relationship that results in both partners being relatively disabled.
AlAnon can be a psychological support, as a minimum. If you don't like the first few groups keep trying, and you'll find one that fits your personality.
Can you start be see a family abuse counselor and a attorney to get a restraining order against him...
i don't know all the details but he needs to be made accountable that is u fortunately what is left fir you. File a complain about his begphaviors with the police and ask for resources available .
When I read your story, I thought I was reading my own. The only difference, is my live-in husband will not even accept the fact that he is doing anything wrong at all. I don't have money to move out, he's made sure of that, but he's throwing me out and locking the doors changing the locks putting my picture up everywhere so that nobody will have anything to do with me in our building or let me in. He's taken my keys, he's taken my phone, he's gone through all of my emails, he's gone through all of my Facebook messages post etc., he's deleted pictures off my phone and videos that are extremely incriminating to him. I am now video or record all the outburst, and the amount that he is drinking every day. He has everyone outside of our home convinced that it is me even though I do not drink, I take medication for my anxiety depression and bipolar now because of what he has done to me, I am happy and very successful at my job, and everything else outside of my house. He is constantly accusing me of doing things that I am absolutely not doing. Why anyone would think that I would want to make this situation any worse by doing those things is just taking a really really scary situation and making it worse. I'm scared and nowhere to go.
I know that your reply is true and from the heart. But seriously, you seem so negative. Like there is no hope for any of us. People can change and get better. There are so many people on this forum who have done this or are trying to do it. I have never heard you sound so negative before...it is hard. Its hard for the alcoholic and for the partner. It sounds like he is not even close to beginning to realise that he has a problem and this is bound to be hard for them both. But i can not accept what youn say. Sorry. if i do then that means there is no hope at all.
Hi there, yours and many other stories are drastically sad. I have alcohol problems obviousy, but am raining them in with success and re-gaining what I once had.
You are in a horrendous situation that is for sure - anxiety will surely be at an all time high.
Oh my goodness, what he is doing is not right, it is bullying of the first degree. What justifies this, can I ask (no need to respond if you do not want to).
Unless there is some massively real reason for his behaviour to you, then he is really behaving with serious issues which probably relate to alcohol.
"Happy and successful at your job" That to me, spells it out. I could elaborate but will not as this is not an Agony Aunt Forum.
Yes, a mess you are in at the moment and the only way out - is for you to get out - and I never ever say that. Life is for living not for fearing. Years turn into more years, then more years, until you are worn out if you cannot help any longer.
You have been a very strong person to deal with this absolutely awful situation. I think the future lies with a strength you must muster because you are worth it.
Have you ever heard of mind games - well that is what is happening to you right now. It is easy for a Bully to throw them out and make you feel like it is you. It is not - you are not the drinker - and HE HAS THE GUILT.