I've known about his anxiety since before we started dating, and besides needing reassurance and worrying about trivial things it hasn't been an issue with our relationship. But a few days ago, he tells me he's not happy, everything annoys or upsets him and he doesn't know why, needs some time on his own away from everything and everyone. Any time I've tried checking in or send reassuring messages, he just seems annoyed and asks me to leave him alone. I'm still learning, this is the first time I've experienced this kind of episode, not sure if I should just give him space until he decides to come to me, or if I should still drop in once in a while, maybe once a week, so he knows I'm still there? We live over an hour away, can't just swing by his house whenever I want to. Even if I could, he's said no to that too. I know this breakup is just the anxiety talking, and I just want him to get better, but if this is gonna be months and months, not sure if I could handle that emotional toll from not knowing - how he's doing, or how we're doing. I'd like some perspective, his side of things, why he's pushing me away and how to go about things?
It is really difficult when they do the "push/pull effect". I went through the same thing for months with my ex-boyfriend. He was the most wonderful & loving man in the beginning and he let me know about his anxiety from the start too. But then 3-4 months in, everything changed drastically. We only communicated when he wanted to, and we only communicated about what he wanted to. I realized my needs and wants were being neglected. But because I cared so much and had sympathy for his anxiety and personal issues, I still tried my best. Long story short, not much improved. It felt like he was always the victim. He shut down and avoided communication. And lets face it, communication is essential. I hate to say it but anxiety can cause a person to come off like a selfish human. If you really care, be there for him; however, if your needs and wants continue to be neglected, then you should move on. It is not fair to you. You should have boundaries for yourself of what you will tolerate and what you won't tolerate. I know it is easier said than done. But it took me a few months of therapy to realize it. I am still in therapy and recommend it for everyone. Often it is the person who suffers from anxiety and depression who is expected to go to therapy. But I think the partners of these people should go too. My ex claimed he cared so much about me but the constant withdrawal and avoidance was too much to handle. Do not lose yourself in a relationship and never sacrifice your needs and wants. Be with someone who is sure of you and wants to be with you, through the good and bad.
Best of luck! I hope your outcome is better than what mine was.
As a guy with anxiety, I can kind of relate to how your boyfriend/partner is feeling and acting, though im not sure if its anything other than 'normal' relationship problems dressed up in 'the language of anxiety'. I often feel selfish in relationships. I guess this is because i feel that my anxiety stems from damage that has been done to me in the past. He may be wanting to feel closer to you and finding it frustrating that he can't. I have often found myself 'testing' girls, where i've backed off, needing to know that they will still be there, and that I can trust them. Because as a guy having anxiety makes me feel 'less of a man', i often also feel that i don't deserve a partner, and that im 'bad', and i guess this all links in to the 'testing' part in backing off. He probably is down on himself for his anxiety, would like to be better, quite possibly for you. The flip side of all of this, is that sometimes i also wonder if i need to somehow reenact past emotional pain, to remind myself that im still capable of it, or to try and repeat feelings that i didnt deal with first time, that led to my anxiety.
Anxiety sufferers tend to avoid high things they normally do/enjoy, when their anxiety is high - a kind of defence mechanism. I guess he feels he's protecting something, either himself, or you. irrational as that may sound to you. he may be scared of liking you. this might be making him anxious.
from a personal point of view, i'd bear with him while you can...and be gentle, either way.
Take him some where to learn to mediatate or qi gong..he needs an outlet