Hi,
I have been diagnosed with ocd and have been for a while, I am on medication and yes I am on the road to recovery which is going well. I get bad days and good days.
I think I am a pedophile but I don’t want to be and I don’t want the horrible intrusive thoughts, I can say that they have got extremely better whilst on my meds and having therapy.
But there is still always this little doubt in my head that I am a pedophile and it really scares me, like I don’t want to be that kind of person, but I am scared I am.
Before a year ago I never ever had thoughts about children in this way, which my therapist says is because I am not a pedophile. But what if I didn’t have these thoughts because I never even considered being with a child. I am 18 and the thoughts started when I was 17.
Is it possible that I just suddenly became one, even though I never used to think of children that way. But I am scared that now I’ve had these thoughts about children that I am a pedophile and maybe I just never considered it before?
I’m really upset and stressed out and I just would rather die than be a pedophile, honestly. I hate myself a lot and I hate that I have the thoughts, get the groinal response when I just don’t want these thoughts.
Please could someone give me their opinion, thanks.
Intrusive thoughts are definitely related to OCD you have, however just bc you're having these thoughts does not make you a pedophile. The simple fact that you recognize the thoughts are wrong and are trying to get rid of them shows you are not a pedophile. You would only be a pedophile if you ACT on these bad thoughts. You can't help your illness and that you have intrusive thoughts, but you can help what you do with them! So continue to seek help and don't let your thoughts make you do anything bad.
I think that you are obsessing over a thought that isn’t true of you. Where is the evidence? Have you found yourself thinking of those children in this way at all?
From what you have said, it doesn’t sound like you are a pedophile at all however that is just my opinion from what you have put here.
Hope this helps a little?
Been down this exact road with OCD. Mine was more thoughts that I was a murderer, but I had other intrusive thoughts too. Generally these thoughts persist because of our fear of them. Your mind, because of the OCD, will make every attempt to create doubt and hang on to the thoughts, and your shame will keep your over reaction to it going. 3 things helped me.
1. Talk to others with OCD
2. Be kind to yourself and don’t beat yourself up about bad days.
3. Accept that you could be a pedophile (even though you are not). It’s your fighting of the thought that keeps it coming.
It takes time but it gets better and eventually it goes away completely. You will heal. :-)