I would like to know why women hate their husbands when hormones are in transition, and how long can this last, weks,months or even years, and do their feelings ever return to normal or are they changed for good?
Hi Nr13
i can only base the reply on my own experience ..
i am age 50 now and went through a long natural peri menopause of 9-10 years
i am now just post menopause .
when i got to mid peri i felt like this..
i felt almost resentment towards my partner ..
mainly because ' they always feel the same ' dont have all this to deal with..
i felt like he didnt understand or have a clue how i felt .
I didnt know truly if he found me less attractive or thought of me as an aging old woman.
we also feel anxiety and unsure about ourselves.. i tended to make myself more distant it wasnt him..
i even had a bedroom to myself for a couple of years as had insomnia and felt i needed my own personal space and restfulness ..
like i was being almost antisocial towards him... like i blamed him i supoose..
but i didnt ..
i just got low and felt mis-understood..
hes a lovely man and i love him dearly.
i just got lost in the middle of peri menopause
now i am over all of that and for me its got better ..
hope that helps
jay jay xx
Thanks jayneejay, that helps a lot, my situation is my wife told me she could not stay with me or she would end up hating me, things I was saying or doing were irritating her a lot, she explained she felt weird and different, and then said she wasnt sure wether she loved me or not, she has been gone for nine months now, we have been in contact but i dont mention our relationship or pressure her, I am giving her space i think she needs right now, it just seems to be lasting forever with no end in sight. thanks again, nr13
I hope never to hate him. Does a change in hormones really hav such a negative effect?
But then I ever had PMT or anything like that, being peri menopausal hasn't changed that.
As for me, I am 51 nearly 52 and peri. I have been married 22 years. I do not talk to my husband about female issues. I learned very early on not to. he's the type that likes to blame women rather than understand that maybe he coudl be doing something to provoke an issue.
In my case, some of my lack of interest in my husband may be due to hormones but I think alot has to do with our issues we have dealt with over the years. he is passive-aggressive, emotionally unavailable, has battled porn addiction and still hits the bottle too hard too often. he seems to think I need to accept him the way he is and well I ahve not been very good about that.
he is a rather nerdy type, heavy, mechanically brained and loves to spend time to himself playing endless hours of video games, solitaire or whatever else will keep him busy on the computer. He is not active, does not have an idea to do anything ever. I think his idea of companionship is me being in the same hosue as he is but it seems he needs nothing more.
He has had 3 emotional affairs in our marriage. He's the type that lusts after women and has infatuated thoughts about them but not the type to actually inittitate anything. The one lady he was infautated also was seeking him but the other two thought he was just friendly. At the same time though he has never even been the type to approach me for intimacy. I finally stopped going to him almost 4 years ago now. We have sex maybe 3-4 times a year. This past year we have gone 8 months without. We no longer sleep in the same bed. We just go about our own business, sahre dinner together and maybe watch a movie from time to time. We don't fight but we are also not loving towards each other.
Hi AL11
yes it can have a negative effect for some ..
not everyone..
think accepting the transistion and support is helpful..
share how you feel so other half understands and doent think its them..
jay x
Hi AVR
oh hun...
dont know what to say...
think if that was my life i would be long gone ..
big hugs
jay xx
Hi AVR, I am a man on this forum, from what you say I think you need to change your life, no offence meant, I think you deserve to love someone who loves you in the same way.
Hi Nr
you sound a very nice person..
jay x
Nr13 and Jay, thank you for your responses. I went to counseling for 3 years, learned a great deal, one of which is that I am co-dependent. I have been working on my codependency issues and I do feel I have made strides. My counselor told me that unless I reseolve my issues I will find somoen else to treat me just like my other 2 husbands.
I have discussed the possibility of leaving with my daughters.....my oldest 2 arte completely against it but of course they also do not know the insides to all I have been thru. My youngest has seen a little more and she supports me leaving her dad (oldest daughters are my bios and husband's step, youngest is ours).
For years I have dreamed of meeting the man that I would actually fall in love with and take me away from this prison but yet when I tell friends what I have dealt with they tell me not to leave and then tell me their own horror story with their husbands.
I have know many couples to split up at the near 20 year mark and in every case it is the woman who has left the marriage. I read an article online that indicated that women over 40 are more likely to divorce their husbands than husbands divorcing their wives. I have friends that I look at and see huge issues, the women are not happy, yet they stay and either they convince themselves to stay because of family, or their religious beliefs, or I see women throwing themselves into their careers, or going to extra lengths to find time with their husbands based on their husband's interests. I have one friend who dotes on her husband, praising at every turn he makes and all he does is make fun of her. he never has saidf one nice word to her or about her in all the time I have known them. She took up motorcycle riding just to spend time with him. He does not touch her, does not show affection towards her, is cold, is harsh with the kids yet they have been married 30 years and while we have talked and have alot in common she says she made vows and cannot leave her husband. I don't feel the same but I also have not made up my mind to leave either.
Nr13, you're a man....how does a man not show interest in his wife? I have kept myself up. Men are attracted to me. I get hits in the gym. I have never let myself go, I am not heavy, I have acareer and contribute, I do not sit around in sweats and watch TV all day long and eat chocolates. I have been a devoted wife, raised 5 kids, kept the hosue clean but my husband is truely a lazy bum. Counde;lors have suspected that husband could be gay or bisexual, or has been sexually abused as all of them say no man does not initiate sex with his wife like mine does. I have told husband what they counselors have said and he has no response. He's kind of like dead weight. He avoids all issues.
Hi AVR
oh bless you... sounds though that your learning about yourself and what you want .. its just the fact of doing it ..
i was married.. ( twice actually) first one for 13 years.. that grew stale, kind man though but always head in work things and not showing any interest in me bascially.. got me depressed and i took a deep breathe after much thought and we got divorced..
i grew very unhappy and knew there was simply more to life..
then i married a man that was abit younger and he changed the day i married him, control freak .. so i bided my time and when the first year was up of marriage, i divorced him.. i planned it all.. even made him sign a document that he had no claim on my house ...
then one day he went out and when he came back i had changed the lock and put all his stuff in bags outside and told him to swivel ..
life is too short to be unhappy.. a new start is daunting, and i truly believe if someone wants it enough they find a way ..
maybe it is not quite your time to do that. but you will know when it comes.
dont ever let a man that is a prat make you feel its your fault..
maybe he needs therapy not you ..
i am afraid to say if this was how a man made me feel i would be looking for some where else and if ... someone came along who made me feel appreciated and it felt right in the future then i would have them as a friend ..
sod em
jay xx
Please look after your man, if he is tolerant during such a difficult time in your life he must be special
From one who truly knows how selfish men can be "generally"
mrs Merm
NR13 is a man
trying to get answers why his partner ( wife) is not coping
jay xx
I was happily married to a wonderful husband for 15 years. At age 49 I became perimenopausal. I became depressed, had an affair, filed for divorce. Now, one year later, I'm living alone and very depressed. I went from a happy, loving wife to someone completely unrecognizable. Now I'm starting to understand the effects of hormones on my behavior. I wish this was a terrible nightmare from which I would awake and everything would be happy again.
Its going on teo years forme. Its like living with two different people. One is the woman I married who I am still head over herls in love with. The other is lije the devil only worse. But although I get incredibly unbelievably angry, i try not to show it and always be conciliatory, even though it never works and often elicits sarcastic and hurtful comments. At this point I cant say for sure tgat this marriage is going to make it to the end of menopause. All I know is Im tired
Hello Jdatbs69
i just saw your post - this post is quite old now - but i have written above a year ago - does your wife take HRT or anything like that -
i am age 51 and two years post menopause now - never wanted HRT - i must say that although mid way through i felt lifeless - it luckily didnt affect my relationship - i was very open about how i felt somedays - etc - i never really let it get me down - i just some times felt abit low on energy - since then i found out i was vitamin D deficient ( after a blood test ) and now being given vit D supplements - also i was put on a very low dose 5-10mg of Escitalopram ( a HRT alternative) its a very low dose anti depressant and i was given it in May as having severe Hot flushes in the heat ( i live in southern Spain ) i must say these have changed my life - i am my old self again - maybe get your wife to get her bloods checked and check all is okay - and consider some help 😃
Hello,
Thank you for your comment.
My wife does take vitamin D supplements but that's all. She won't take anything else. She won't go to get her blood work done. She had a total hysterectomy two years ago and took estrogen for a few months, then stopped. She won't discuss it, won't see a doctor, and gets mad if I try to initiate a conversation. So I am constantly running into brick walls.
Thanks again for your input
Oh dear Jdatbs69
that cannot be easy if she doesnt talk about it 😟 after a total Hyster the menopause is sudden - so she would of no doubt felt quite dreadful - i can only say - lots of support - and a hug - is very comforting sometimes - hope things improve for you both - life does get better - it did for me .. Jay
Yes my Wife left me 4 weeks ago her menapause has been horrendous. She's 46 and for the last year we sleep in seperate rooms, no afffection from her, she wants no cuddles, she resents having sex with me. Is irritated by everything I do and very annoyed at me buit keeps these things to herself then about every 3 months she explodes and all these irritabilities and annoyances she has a go at me. She'd been planning to leave for about 4 months, but she even said "I'd always been like that with past men after a year or two sinse my 20's I just want to run away and hide." So I aint the first man she has run from. She said "ur a brilliant husband, brilliant dad, brilliant grandad." and i said "look me in the eye and tell me ur not in love with me???" and she did crying her eyes out, she said "II'm not in love with u Alex." yet i asked her the same question 5 days later "look me in the eye and tell me u don't love me." and she couldn't. She just said "I want u to stay away from me." Even though I've treated her like a Queen for over 4 years, not that I've let her walk all over me for 4 years cos I aint. We used to get along so well until she started isolating herself in her bed watching films, reading books, nitting etc. I know that isolation is part of the menapause, she has hot flushes, rampant insomnia to. And is not just annoyed at me but at everyone really. She said to her closest friend the other day "I am in love with Alex, i just don't like Him." Again though I've dun nothing wrong apart from be my jovial and positive self. I'm an open book and she's a closed book, I'm extroverted in a nice way, she's introverted in a nice way. But the last 12 months i sit down stairs every night wtaching films and she's upstairs watching films and doesn't want to do anything with me at all, apart from the odd kiss on the cheek and lips once or twice a day. I think she is very confused, she also sufferrs with clynical depresssion which her dose is not strong enough, she needs to to back to the octor to up the strength of the dose, have some councilling for her menopause and maybe try hormone replacement therapy. She also said "the reason I left u is cos we are both incompattable." But i said back "people who are married and incompattable don't ghet married and don't last 4 months or 4 weeks let alone over 4 years." To which i had no response. Aint seen her for 4 weeks, I aint allowed to visit her at my daughters or see my kids or grandkids. This is not like her as she is a very kind, loving and generous lady. Any advice for me please for sinse she left 4 weeks ago and signed the house tenancy back over to me and apllied for a new council house herself, it has been 4 weeks of anxious and depressed hell for me??? I do beleive she loves me, but it's just this menapause getting worse and her clynical depression that has driven her to go and live with my daughter 4 weeks ago. Any advice from anyone please I'm very desperate and have been a good husband to her as she admitted herself??????????? Alex.
I am sure all of us women have different reasons for 'hating' our husbands. Mine was that I was so unsure he would be willing to fight for me through this. i felt that it was so easy for him to let go because I had been a little (well, a lot) more difficult. I needed him to just cuddle me and tell me everything was ok, we would do this together, and that it was ok if I was different or had mood swings. I needed him to understand that I needed him more than ever.
I was ready to leave. Twice because of these things.
He is not the most sensitive guy, but recently he told me just to tell him what I needed as I needed it and he would provide it. So when I need a cuddle night I tell him, when I need to sleep in my own bed I tell him. If I am feeling a mood coming, he has just come to know. And no matter what comes out it is ok. And he assures me that he will never leave me.
or hate me, and that we will make it through this together.
He has to be the strong one, I am not who I used to be right now. He has to accept that. It will all come back in time, it is a struggle.
But don't just let her leave if she needs you to fight for her. Maybe she needs to FEEL you love her no matter what, not just you thinking she knows you love her