I'm a 19 year old girl and for the past year or so I've had pretty bad anxiety. I had really bad anxiety when I was a young child (about 9 and 10) but it's different now.
I don't want this post to be too long so I won't go into long details but I'm basically always having obsessive thoughts about my thoughts. I just always feel like something is wrong with my mind. I often get this scary, dark feeling of dread and it makes me really anxious! I remember I would sometimes get this feeling at night even back when I was just 14 years old but I didn't think too much of it then. It's this scary, trapped feeling where I feel like I can't escape my own mind. I've had a couple mild panic attacks before and I know that this feeling isn't a panic attack, it's just a really awful feeling.
Lately I just seem much more hyper aware of my own thoughts and I'm constantly scared of losing control of my thoughts. I don't even get that many bad and unwanted thoughts but I have this obsessive fear of getting them and in turn, that makes me feel like I'm getting them and in some crazy cycle of obsession. This probably makes no sense but it's really difficult to explain it.
I also have so many obsessive thoughts about life and philosophy and existence in general and I even obsess sometimes over song lyrics. For example I like listening to songs by The Weeknd but all he sings about is basically having a drug addiction and that kind of scares me and then I start obsessing about what that means and etc. I used to party and I did drugs a few times which I regret now and whenever I hear songs with lyrics about partying and drugs, it makes me obsess over it and I don't even know why. I think it's because the partying lifestyle reminds me of scary drug addictions and stuff even though I've never experienced anything like that. I know this makes no sense but I really don't understand my thoughts! It's like I have an obsession about having an obsession with my thoughts. I used to just over analyze everything and life was so much easier. I feel so alone and I also feel like everyone else is in automatic mode, just doing what feels right, and then I'm in manual, not knowing how to live life. What's wrong with me?
Most people who have anxiety have it over their health, or they're scared of others judging them. But for me it's this scary internal anxiety and I'm scared I'll be like this forever. I really don't understand it. Even as I'm typing this right now, I physically feel pretty calm but my minds scared. Does that mean this isn't even anxiety? I just really don't understand myself.