Please help me figure out what this is...psychosis?

Mental health
1

After several months of researching various mental health disorders whose symptoms seemed to overlap with mine and several unsuccessful google searches, I haven't been able to pinpoint what it is that I'm experiencing.

From time to time, my mind seems to want to discard my identity, style of thinking, viewpoint and replace it with that of somebody I know; it creates a perception of the way they think and their thought processes and forces me to follow it...I am always aware when this is happening, but it feels out of my control and I am unable to resist it: my mind refuses to accept that logically, I cannot 'become' them. This 'delusion/change in perception' can last anywhere from a few days to two-three weeks, but my outward mannerisms, voice, movement, etc does not change e.g. only I am aware that this is happening.

Some background: A few years ago, I began to experience severe (general) anxiety over prolonged periods of time (a combination of being ill-equipped to cope with high stress levels and friendship pressures, which generated a lot of uncertainty and self-doubt); this gradually brought on depression ( I didn't realize it at the time.). Tired of crying constantly, overanalyzing everything, and bringing those around me down, I decided that the only way to diminish the pain I was feeling was not to feel anything anymore. After that, I suppressed my emotions and pretended everything was okay, and it became a habit. However, the emptiness ( with which I was content) gave way to a different kind of pain....there's this searing hollowness, and my chest always feels tight, like it's carrying a weight that didn't used to be there before. Telling myself I was worthless every night, I suffered a knock in self-confidence, which I think prevented my identity from evolving...I lost sense of who I was. I forced myself to keep up with schoolwork, but lost the passion and interest I previously held, and distanced myself from friends. I simply didn't care. Fastforward a few months, and panic attacks begin (perhaps a manifestation of the increased stress during exam season?). I found techniques that helped calm me down, and thankfully these have stopped. Every few months, however, I experience the delusions/change in perceptions that I have described in the preceding paragraph, and each time it leaves me a little bit more damaged.

Final thoughts: I have researched derealization and the dissociation involved seems to match my experience...could it emerge from this? Or is it simply the product of constant, intense anxiety? Is my subconscious rejecting my identity? Why have I lost control?

I did see a therapist for a short while, but we didn't seem to connect and I got very little out of the experience.

Any insight/suggestion would be appreciated - thank you.

2

Unfortunatly this is the problem with google, mental health issues are varied and dont always or very often follow a set series of symptoms, these things really do need a professional therapist or psychiatrist to diagnose and treat properly. its best to stay away from google for all sorts of reasons, not least its all to easy to start taking on symptoms that you read about, which makes diagnosis even hard.  i would see a professional and let them decide the best course for you

3

Hi Susan,

Your subconscious has a lot to do with all the things you have mentioned in your post. You say you saw a therapist. Was this privately or with the NHS? What age were you when all this started? And there has to have been a trigger. You don't mention any medication in your post so I assume you aren't taking anything but I personally feel that you need some medical help along the lines of anti-depressants. As for rejecting your identity,  that I believe is because you don't like the person you have become. You need help to re-establish your identity in part or as a whole so that you can get your life together again. Talk to your doctor but be entirely honest with him. He needs all the facts on which to make his diagnosis. Take care.

4

Hello,

Thanks for replying, I saw the therapist privately, a little over a year ago. This started when I was around 12/13  The anxiety aspect, however, emerged prior to this - when I made the transition from primary school to secondary: the change proved too much for me. The actual trigger I think was a combination of burnout and loss of a support system - the friendship group I had come to rely on collapsed, and as a way of dealing with this, I very intensely through myself into schoolwork, and began to align self-worth with academic achievement. In doing so, I  abandoned my hobbies and neglected the opportunity to build solid friendships.

I will consider getting medical help, but don't want to become addicted to anti-depressants. In terms of re-establishing my identity, I agree with you but don't know how to go about doing this - most thoughts I have are plagued with self-doubt.

5

Hi Susan 97, anxiety is definitely a part of what you are experiencing and perhaps depression which would explain a lot of your symptoms. My suggestion is to visit your GP and book a double appointment so you can discuss as much as you need.

I believe a decent GP will refer you to see a psychiatrist to give you a proper diagnosis or at least refer you for CBT to look at the thought processes you are engaging in.

Depression with anxiety is a common illness and would explain a lot of your symptoms but you deserve a proper diagnosis, and help both medically and psychologically. Neil 

6

Thanks for your response. I am considering getting professional help, but I suspect that a GP will most likely give me advice (regarding depression and anxiety) that I know I should be following e.g. eating healthily, exercising, establishing a stable sleeping routine; at the present moment I am exploring online resources such MoodGym, etc. Plus, those around me won't take the psychosis aspect seriously, because so far I have been able to internalize it.