please help me I think I might die soon

General health and lifestyle
1

Hi guys I really have no idea what to do here.

I realised I was an alcoholic about 3 years ago and turned myself into action for change begging for help.

The same day I had a call from social services saying that the information given to them made concern that I was drinking and they were worried about my children and placed them onto the at risk register.

I was lucky enough to have my father pay for a private rehab and prove to the social services that I was sober and capable of looking after my precious children and I became sober and they were removed from the register.

Since then I have had 3 pretty big lapses, one more spell in private rehab,  after that I went to my doctor and begged for librium and privacy from social services on the condition that I maintain sobriety.

I stopped going to aa as I live in a very small village and I was sexually harassed by 2 separate male members and both attend all meetings.

My current situation is desperation. I'm drinking,  mainly of an evening and trying to disguise this from my girls who are aged 8 and 9 yrs.I'm not drinking huge amounts or even getting drunk as the vomiting stops this. My days are spent indoors scared, alone, frightened of the phone ringing and painting on my poker face for when they get home from school.

They are aware that I am poorly as it i vomit constantly and have dhiaorria every day, my skin is itchy from my head to my toes constantly.

I can't risk going back to the doctors due to the fear of her reporting me to social services and risking losing the only thing I have left in my life.

I'm desperate for a course of librium,  I cannot break my father's heart and tell him I have failed and wasted his money yet again.

I have seen an American site that if I order the librium today can have them delivered to me within 2 weeks,  I'm not even sure I have 2 days I feel so bad. Also I'm not even sure they will be real.

I'm terrified and I don't know what to do 

Any advice please,  should I order the librium?? 

2

The first thing I will say is NO. Do not order only the Librium online. You must not do an alcohol detox without the proper support. A;cohol detox is safe and comfortable if done properly, but can be extremely dangerous.

You do, however, need a detox with the proper support.

The way you feel is not unusual. Eventually alcohol will make you feel like that. Have a look in the mirror at your skin and the whites of your eyes. If they are not yellow, your liver doesn't have permanent damage. Even if they are yellow, it may not be too late for your liver to make a full recovery, but you need to do something to avoid crossing that line to liver cirrhosis which is irreversible damage.

What a shame that AA group contains those two members. The group needs to be aware of their behaviour.

Firstly, I would receommend that you tell your father your situation. Yes, it may disappoint him, but nowhere near as much as it would hurt him if you died and he hadn't had another chance to help you. I'm sure he probably suspects anyway if he knows you well.

Your daughters need you and you need to get this sorted. I am sending you a private message as well.

3

I simply couldn't tell my father, he is by no means rich, the 2 rehab stays he has already paid for have been his life savings bless him, he has no idea,  I live halfway across the country from him. I have no family here and I have separated myself from any friends for fear of being ' found out'

I only have my children's father who lives in another city from me who knows my situation, in the event of me obtaining any librium he is prepared to stay with me while I do the detox,  I am confident I can do it without medical assistance as I have already done it before and know the basics. Thanks for your reply,  my eyes are not yellow but very sunken and I am pale and thin, I have terrible stomach pain and I'm worried I may have given myself cancer or something, I live every minute in fear. I'm absolutely petrified I might not wake up and my girls find me stiff so sleep is not comfortable nor lengthy, I get the girls organised and off to school then spend the day dozing not attending to my life whatsoever,  my house is relatively clean, perhaps a little cluttered but clean, im maintaining the girls well and hygienic,  it's just horrifying that I can't stop the cycle and all I can vision is near death due to the fact that I can never ask for medical help :-(

4

Please don't order any medication online, it's far to dangerous. For a start you don't know if the meds are legit or what's in them, some are downright dangerous.

i know it will be hard to tell your dad, but like Paul says he's probably noticed and waiting for you to tell him. Yes he may be upset for you, but not half as hurt as he would be if his grandchildren were taken into care,should anything ever happen to you

5

Thanks Vicki

Like I said to paul I don't live anywhere near my father and my previous behaviour has probably exhausted his bank account enough, I just couldn't hurt him again like that, I went to see him 2 months ago with the kids and he was so proud when I had lemonade at our family meal instead of a large voddy which I swiftly had when I went back to my hotel.

Im nearly 40,  I have 7 children ( 1 stillborn)  mostly grown up and 2 little ones at home. 

I can't see another option than taking the risk of ordering from pharmaoffshore... I'm just so desperate :-(

6

Chantelle. I wasn't suggesting you asked your father for more money. You are a parent, you know that you would want to know if one of your daughters was in trouble and it wouldn't matter how many times, you wouldn't want to be kept in the dark. Think of it from that point of view smile

Stomach pain doesn't indicate cancer in the vast majority of cases. It is possible you could have an ulcer but it may be nothing other than a desperate need of a rest from alcohol. The effects of heavy drinking over a long period of time can make you feel like you are dying but a few days into a detox, all of those symptoms would begin to subside.

I have to repeat that you shouldn't buy the medication online. As Vickylou has said, you can never be sure what you are getting and it is certainly illegal for them to be sending out medication like that.

I understand your fears about telling your GP but the GP is not going to consider your children at risk if you are seeking help for yourself. Children are not taken from parents because of an alcohol problem, alone. It would be different if you were getting drunk and being abusive to them but clearly, that isn't the case.

7

It would take me a week to tell you my full situation, my mother died young but before that she had a mental illness which resulted in her beating us very hard and I left the family home by choice and lived on the streets very young around 7 or 8 till I was eventually captured and taken into care where I suffered years of abuse ( these are not my 'excuses'wink I'm just explaining my life, I didn't drink or do drugs at this time except prescription drugs such as antidepressants and valium from around age 11-12 which I think changed me.

I became a mother very young.. 18,  most likely to have something for myself and by 23 I had 3 children by an alcoholic father who left us alone and penniless,  this is the year my mother died and I had a breakdown,  learned how to steal to feed the kids then obviously got caught and went to jail. The day I went to jail the father handed my kids to social services, when I got out I tried to fight to get them back but had nowhere to live and didn't manage to get them back as I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and they said I was incapable of bonding with any normal person,they took my 4th child after they found out my first 3 were in care, they killed my 5th ( long story)  and I lied my arse offresh for my 6th and 7th and pretended to be what they expected. For the record I am an excellent mother, I'm in no way perfect but I do my best,  I worship them, I love them so much I couldn't describe, they are dressed like princess's,  I never give them McDonald's crap and feed them on home made meat and veg. They are my world. 

If I go to the doctors it will be red alerted emmediatly and they will try take my last 2 babies.

I could go on forever but I don't want to bore you to death,  I'm just trying to give you a brief rundown on how I've ended up this way and why I can't seek medical help

Chantelle 

8

Chantelle you are a loving mum who cares about her kids. Please, for you're kids sake, seek medical help. Is there a drop in centre you could go to? By going to you're gp he will see you need help and are doing your best and care about your kids. Social services only take kids when all other options have failed.

What would happen to your kids if you buy online illegal drugs which harm or even kill you. Take care

9

Thanks again Vicki but I know full well that my babies would be put straight on the at risk register due to past history,  regardless of the fact that I have previously been endlessly monitored and shown great mothering skills and the fact that all of my children have been above average excellent well mannered model students. 

It's a risk Im desperate to take but just couldn't risk, I'd have nothing without them.

As for walk in centres, when I first presented myself to them with my concerns and knew I needed help,  they reported me to social services the same day and my girls where on the at risk register for a year with constant appointments and going to the school questioning them etc, I just couldn't cope with it again :-(

10

Hi chantelle, I am sorry that you have had to deal with so much sadness in your life but I am sure that there is no denying the great love that you feel for all your children...

I feel very worried for you, as both in your physical and emotional health, the strain on you day by day Must be enormous and you must feel

Constantly exhausted....I totally understand your misgivings about

Asking for help, but you cannot carry this burden alone....have you got a community alcohol service nearby you? They are an excellent form of

Support and help for .your health and well-being.... they will do their very

Best to help you and your children in every way, the last thing they strive

To do is break up families.

I had a severe alcohol problem for very many years ( I was sectioned

Four times ) I have four children who are adults now, and they too were

Supported in every way.. PLEASE do not by ANY form of MEDICINE

Of the internet, it is very risky , possibly illegal and could land you up in

Hospital, who would look after your children?

Feel proud of yourself that you have come this far ( I am sure that your

Father does ) but we all need and DESERVE help sometimes I am sure

That your doctor and practice nurse ( also the children's school ) will do

Their very best to help... take care, you truly will be in my thoughts and

Sincerest best wishes... Deirdre x. Ps, Paul is very helpful..

11

Thankyou deirdre 

Your feedback is most appreciated,  and your right,  every minute of every day is exhausting and sucking the life of me to the point where sometimes selfish chantelle kicks in and I don't really care whether i wake the next morning.

I don't want to die, and I want to be with my kids for as long as I possibly can be but I know what those people are about,  from experience as a child and an adult.

When they took my first 3 children it was a huge injustice,  I was not on drugs or an alcoholic, all I  needed was a home, they acknowledged this when they made the decision to allow me to keep my 6th and 7th child and apologised about taking my 4th and didn't mention murdering my 5th.

I was involved in a very big abuse case based in Wales and although as a child I reported it as an adult i decided to leave it under the carpet whilst being inundated by the press and others I just wanted to leave it and be a mum.

I think my history with the 'system' failing me I obviously have a great fear of them and they're power to remove my precious babies I delivered drug and alcohol free proved to me they have the power to do whatever they please. Fact. From experience 

I so wish to go to the doctors tomorrow but I know it will probably result in my suicide when they try to pick holes in my parenting skills,  my children are superbly loved and have been to 3 different continents alone this year, countless countries,  I'm well educated and I constantly instill this with my girls who thrive at anything they try. 

I'm the same mother now as I was when they tried to deny me my right to keep my beautiful angels I gave birth to,  and the only thing I did different this time was fake politeness,  before I swore and told them to get the fkn hell away from my door etc, this time I kept my mouth shut and smiled, is that all it takes to keep a child?  What if I was a real abuser with a smile?  I already know the answer to that.

Sorry for the essay,  I could go on for weeks, 

Thankyou deirdre for the advice,  most appreciated x

12

Chantelle. You have sent me a message saying that you didn't mean to post this publicly and I know how you feel, it is an awful feeling when you realise that you made that mistake. However, since you did and there is no feature to remove a message once you hit 'send' I will reply here,

Firstly, the name you use here doesn't identify you to anybody and there are a lot of people here in as difficult or even more difficult situations who will understand where you are coming from.

I am sorry to hear about your traumatic life. I find it incredible that Social Services (who I have my own gripe with today about their appalling neglect of my sister who has learning disability) took kids into care for their safety and placed in the most disgusting situations where they were seriously abused and damaged for life sad

Considering your awful start in life, you appear to have turned out to be intelligent and articulate as well as very pleasant. Plenty from situations like yours don't.

Times have changed regarding the removal of children from parents but I totally understand your fears and I get why you feel you cannot rely on your doctor to maintain your confidentiality. Even after everything, you are STILL being treated badly by the authorities. Most other people get a chance and are treated with dignity, yet you have to suffer discrimination in this way.

I am a qualified mental health nurse and I have seen nothing to indicate that you have any form of personality disorder. Your issues are the creation of appalling treatment as a child and the only shame should be felt by those who were supposed to protect and nurture you as you grew up. You should feel no shame.

I gave you my telephone number in my private message to you, Please give me a call and we can have a chat and see if we can work out a way forward that works for you.

Just in case anybody is suspicious of my motives (as happened with one person in this forum a few weeks ago), I want to say here that I am NOT looking to sell any chargable service to Chantelle. I do not come here to promote myself and patient.info would soon suspend my membership here if I did.

In the meantime, Chantelle, don't order any medication online.

 

13

I thought I had it bad, wow what a lot you've had to deal with. Are you on any meds at all. How much do you drink daily. Could you see your GP and ask for meds for anxiety. Surely he wouldn't contact social services for that.

you are crying out for help, but for your kids' sake don't get online meds, for all you know they could be poison.

are you able to sleep or do you lie awake staring at the clock thinking everyone else is sleeping peacefully? I've lost count of the number of nights where I've not slept at all. You feel so alone and desperate. Please stay in touch

14

Chantelle please take up Pauls offer and call him. I only joined a couple of days ago and he seems a very caring person and certainly the best person to try and help you.

15

Just wondered how you are doing Chantelle. You've not been on the forum for a while, or if you have I've missed it. Did you phone Paul? Did you order Librium online. It would be good to know how you're doing

16

I don't think she will order Librium online. I did speak to Chantelle on the phone and we worked out a solution which I am hoping she will try smile

17

Glad you've made contact and are able to offer support. So pleased about her not ordering meds online.

18

Dear chantelle, I am so very glad that you contacted Paul,.. he will be a Great help to you....you have been in my thoughts a lot, you had so little help and suffered so much trauma and a disgraceful !!!! Lack of help... you should HOLD your HEAD up HIGH, you have come so far and you are very obviously an amazing and caring mother....you can. And will. Come out the other side of this, you totally deserve to....

Please, please take very good care of yourself and your little ones, every. Single person on this forum wish you well, so do not ever, ever worry. What others think,, in my thoughts and prayers, Deirdre xx

19

Thanks so much guys I really appreciate the support and advice, 

It's been a long lonely depressing and exhausting year and Im hoping there may be some light at the end of the tunnel.

I'll be honest and tell you I drank yesterday, not a lot but nevertheless,  it didn't make me feel good or drunk it was depressing from the first sip, I vomited the first 2 and persisted.. Miserably. Im not stupid so I have no idea why I Carry on with behaviour I know is not good for me and will make me miserable and sick,  it's like burning your hand in a fire and keep sticking it back in??? 

I didn't sleep too well and was awake from 6am

I have not had a drink so far today although the devil is sitting on my shoulder telling me too.

I don't feel very good. I don't have much in the house anyway and I will definitely not go to the shop so I'll probably leave it as long as I possibly can and finish off what I have then hope I can resist the temptation to go to the shop tomorrow, I have a children in need children's fun day so that should keep me busy 

Thanks again to you all

Trying :-(

20

Hi Chantelle so good to hear from you. I've been thinking about you. Don't beat yourself up over drinking yesterday, hey it's great that you shared that, another positive step for you. Keep in touch