Possible Options for me

Mental health
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I feel like all I do is write posts searching for answers and God I just cannot find any. Fours months of OCD, Pure O, Generalized anxiety. I'm writing this ve Carefully because I don't want this to seem like I've given up. In fact I'm as determined as ever to find an answer. So please anyone who continues reading please leave a suggestion, opinion, anything nothing is wrong I've done all the rumination and guessing I can

When I stared this journey four months ago I had my first panic attack that like many others have said made me feel like I was having a heart attack

The weeks after we're simple. They were hell but they were simple. I spent days and nights fearing I couldn't breathe or any bodily sensation was cataclysmic. When my neck would stiffen from anxiety I assumed it was a thyroid condition and had me on a hyperventilating panick attack to the nearest clinic. That's just one example of things my anxiety around my heath had me. I could never relax for constant fear I couldn't breathe it I would have another panic or die. This lasted for days but life made sense. I was still me just afraid and in the midst of my anxiety.

I saw a therapist throughout that time. She diagnosed me it's Generalized anxiety and OCD but we focused More on my GAD at the time. She was great helping me through reassuring me my physical sesantions were normal. And in time I was walking and exercising again. I could laugh be excited without fearing of something bad happening to me.

But soon a new fear emerged after a three week victory over my health anxiety. became existential fears. A month of fear of going crazy, that reality wasn't real, fear of amnesia loss of my identity and loss of relationships and memories with loved ones. It was hell worse than my Health anxiety because this was playing with my mind. Taking a way my ability to love, be passionate, focus, to function. At some point during month two and a half of this journey I began experiencing symptoms of Depersonalization and Derealization. Feeling hopeless, emotional numb, detached, not myself, world looked dream like "not real".

Ironically enough I cried so happy because I learned there was a name for some of the symptoms I was experiencing. Because before that I thought it was over that I had gone crazy and lost it and that I would be stuck in my mind and in a asylum trapped and lost.

Again I worked with my therapist and it was hard by I was able to somewhat function battling obsession thoughts I was still hear still existed and my life still did too. I think at some point here my Therapist made the diagnosis my OCD was the more severe of the too when before it was thought to be my GAD.

And she was right because it was here that I tusive thoughts and obsessive thoughts became my biggest enemy. They were always there. I've had OCD since I was a kid. Ivan remember need to do something an equal amount of times with both hands, replacing bad thoughts with good ones, moving objects, closing doors while battling negative imagery to my loved ones. But I was not prepared for what would come next.

One day after having a panic attack after walking (took courage to leave the house and go outside for fear of dissociating. I would get anxious and therefore start to feel detach) I came back inside afraid but I tried to Lee busy by cleaning the house. Eventually I sat down to watch a movie Bend It Like Beckham (a move I've seen at least three times before) and their came a part where a male character came out as gay

And I had a thought loud as lighting of what if I'm gay and hiding!

Boom, fast forward a month of sexually gratis and intrusive gay thoughts. Mental and physical compulsions that only worked short time and sometimes backfired. I went from obsessed about being gay to bisexual to gay and back again.

Never before had I been worried about my sexual orientation. I didn't need certainty before because I didn't worry about it. I can only ever remember asking that question once and that came from a memory of experimentation as a child. (Something I've read is common) as a teenager The memory just hit be like a "I did that" "what does that mean" but even then I could make my peace with it or so I thought and even now after repressing it I've made my leave with it. But other than that I've never felt emotionally, romantically, or physically attracted to men. Now suddenly my life is a fear of it.

As of the last week I've sorta got a hold on it by deciding to not care about it that I have choice of who I pursue.

Then I had an intrusive thought while scanning my memory for evidence for or against my sexual orientations (common for OCD) and then I had an intrusive thought plant itself as memory. I spent hours that day disputing what I know what true and didn't happen. It bothered me so bad to know not even my memory was safe from OCD.

I just feel lost. My mind ain't safe doesn't feel like line anymore. I live in fear all the time. I have seen a Pyschiatrist and been given Lexapro. I took three days worth and stopped because of my fear of SSRI withdrawal. I wish Pyschiatrist would talk to you and explain what's wrong and what their doing rather than saying "I have a chemical imbalance" then writing a prescription. Not being available to consistently call, and me pulling in for out from them like teeth.

I'm seeing anew Pyschiatrist in August who is hollistic and has a great rep.

I just want to free. Before this I was a aspiring actor director, musician, philanthropist. I wanted to change the world now I hide from it. Waiting on the day I finally lose but praying in tears I don't.

What am I supposed to do. I see everyone living life happy carefree without this burden. I'm stressing my family out they have their On things to deal with. I get on here and search for assurance and answers.

I just don't know I've lost my identity.

Recently I've tried to put my faith back in god.

I exercise sometimes twice a day

Eat better could eat better

Sleep regularly

My eyes are getting tired writing this so any suggestions please

I've gone from weeks spent Obessessi

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Sorry any sloppy spelling as it's hard to write on this sometimes. I reintorate I am far from giving up but also far from answers.

And my OCD may be moving to POCD now.

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Hi Christophe,

I can relate to your fear and frustration. I struggle with anxiety and share some of the symptoms you've described. I have done research on depersonalisation and derealizaion. From what I understand depersonalisation occurs when your mind is trying to protect itself from a panic attack. It gives the feeling of detachment so as to avoid the anxiety. Its quite a common symptom. The obsessive thoughts of your sexuality is also common. I've been told and read that these thoughts are typically far from who we really are. If a person were homosexual they would find pleasure in their fanatasies but for those that are not, they would find it disturbing. I read an article stating the intrusive thoughts that stick with us are the ones that "go against our core values". The thoughts gain power as we dwell on them and fight them. While I know it's easier said and done, the best way to reduce its power is to not react strongly against them. Don't dwell or fight it but accept it as just a thought. They say we have roughly 50k thoughts a day. Many of them go unnoticed or forgotten. It's those that we fight the hardest against that latches onto us. I'm not certain there is a specific medication that can help with intrusive thoughts. Some people respond well to SSRIs and antipsychotics but I don't believe there has been enough research conducted to definitively say they are effective. A benzodiazepine is probably the most effective type of medication but it's not recommended for a long period of time due the habit forming and tolerance issues. They do say that CBT is the best treatment. This is cognitive behavioral therapy. The psychologist works your brain; helps you relearn how to process the information in a "normal" way. While I think it's wonderful to see a holistic physician, I do encourage adding CBT to your treatment plan. It does require consinstency and dedication but the end result will be worth the effort. I have just started my CBT sessions. While I've only had 3 sessions, I have made small progress in how to better prevent/manage my panic attacks. I still have a ways to go but I remain hopeful. Also, psychiatrists only handle medication. If medication is the route you want to take, they can recommend the best options. More so than a regular physician. To fully understand your condition, you'll need to see a psychologist.

This is treatable. We can get better. It's great you're being active by communicating through this forum and working with doctors to help you through this. The only way to get better is to keep trying.

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I can relate to everything you have been through and I can only say, it does get better with time from my experience.

I had a bad anxiety spell that left repercussions for almost 2 years. I was scared to even walk to my car at my worse. Panic attacks daily and state of panic 24/7 was horrendous. Never slept, depersonalisation, lost 3 stone in weight. Almost lost my job. I was a wreck.

You see the thing with anxiety is, 90% of the problem is thought driven. It's a vicious circle. You avoid a place or scenario for fear of a panic attacks and bam, your bound to get one when you go, because subconsciously that thought process hasn't changed no matter how you persuade yourself to try. You need to do thinks gradually. Learn to walk before you can run so to speak.

The environment and scenario will always stay the same, it's only how you react to it that changes and gradually as you face it more, it seems less daunting.

I obcessed with my anxiety, read many books, research papers, tried numerous meds (almost all replaced one problem with another and I couldn't take to any SSRI), exercised. I couldn't accept it was anxiety - hell I didnt even know anything about anxiety till my first panic attacks put me in A&E.

I was researching all sorts of medical problems from diabetes to heart valve problems at the time.

Of course it was all rubbish. I honestly eventually got bored of worrying after a good year of it, I stopped researching, stopping thinking what was wrong with me. Stopped googling every odd bodily sensation. Focused on enjoying my time with my partner again in the moment rather than worrying.

The key for me was to replace my obcession with another which at the time was massive health anxiety (I played the violin and learnt to code android apps - both you can't do while worrying) and honestly slowly but surely after a month or two my anxiety levels reduced massively. I also started a tough exercise routine and diet to help regain all the weight I lost and as my strength returned, my anxiety levels dropped to as my energy increased.

About 6 months on and I am back to normal ish, my heart rate has settled again. I get the odd dizzy spell in shops but it's manageable.

Diet and exercise helps a lot. Twice a day, even if it's only 10 minutes. Take calcium and magnesium vitamins to help your stress levels and nervous system repair.

Hope some of this helps.

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I want to thank you both for replying so much. I feel like I'm at a weird place you know. Like yesterday I accepted my OCD thoughtsa as just that and didn't do any compulsions in response and MAN was I productive. I got almost twenty pages of a script I'm working on done. My appetite returned. I was stress free the only thing was I guess it's almost like a separation anxiety where after four months fighting anxiety when you stop fighting it you almost feel weird or "lost" cause anxiety has become your new identity so when you begin the healing process of recovering who you are you wonder if your running from anxiety or just not letting it become your life. Like new obessions we're trying to take roots but I just wouldn't respond I didn't google for hours cures or answers or explanations I didn't let it become my day with hours devoted to rumination and angst about it and I felt so great but also felt 'off' like a "who am I now" after four months of anxiety. Can either of you relate? Is that healing? Like now your healing but your also having to put back your identity

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I understand perfectly what you mean with the "Who am I now". Anxiety puts a lot of physical and emotional stress on your body and it's only natural to feel strange after the experience. That depersonaliziation is basically your brains coping mechanism to shutting out stress. 

​I would say I changed after my experience, without sounding corny, you become stronger for it but things I use to do beforehand I stopped or couldn't get back into. It's finding what works for you really as to how you identify yourself. Emotionally I was a little erractic for a few months. Upsets, laughing, crying, low. It was a rollercoastre, but the healing process is very slow. 

​Just take it day by day and each day, do something that you enjoy or that might cheer you up. It goes a long way!

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That's basically what I'm trying to do now. Just working on things I loved like creating. Trying to revive that spirituall side. Smiling and laughing again. Things that seem foreign or unnatural. It truly is a day by day process. Learning to trust reality again, not to chase every scary thought, or obsession it's ironic isn't it m, how it takes such a hyperawareness and passion to be apathetic to anxiety. And if you can do that long enough you heal because your mind heals.

That's my thing is I'' trying to put together enough "good" days to let the lessons and healing stick and sink in

I relaspse to much into fear and hopelessness

One of these days I'm going to stick out hope long enough that anxiety loses I hope

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Hi Christophe you have actually got the answer to beating anxiety.Accept anxiety and stop obeying it's irrational demands and thoughts.The physical symptoms are a by product of your thoughts and adrenaline.Take it one day at a time.It takes time and practice and there will be set backs recovery is not a straight line.All treatment will help but it is up to you if you apply it on a daily basis even when you are in despair keep practicing and it will pay off .Set yourself small goals and keep a journal so you can see your progress.