(possibly) bipolar bf breaks up out of the blue

Mental health
1

I've been in LDR for 1.5 years. We only see each other every 3 months (spend 3 days to 1 week together). For this past year he's been struggling with finding job that suits his passion. He has this belief in his head that to truly 'make it' in this world he needs to be successful in a job, earn lots of money and then he will be a man (He went to Harvard in full scholarship, very perfectionist and ambitious kind of man).

He often says that he's depressed/anxious/cannot control bad/suicidal thoughts (he was diagnosed with depression few years ago and were under anti-depressant treatment). I always cheer him up/give positive talks/lift up his self esteem. I already told his family about his condition but they were only like "Ah that's how he is". I encourage him to seek profrssional help but he said he had to much on his plate right now. At first I was so exhausted, like he drains all my positive energy. But I try to be strong, this to shall pass, I said to myself.

Sometimes we got hiccups in our relationship due to his willingness to spend more time on us (he works on 3 jobs right now).

One or two times he hints that: "(relationship) is a sacrife I'm willing to make" "how can I make you happy when I'm not happy" "how could you love me that much when I don't even love myself" "you deserve better". Maybe he has had some issues with our relationship, but he never vocalized them, in hopes I would just know and/or they'd just work themselves out.

Until one day, totally out of the blue, he called and said "I'm too caught up with my work. I can't bring myself to date you half heartedly. I would only make it worse." That is what I think he said cz he was very emotional, like hysterically crying. So I was like comforting him. Yet I was the one who being dumped.

I don't know if this is his true feelings or his depression somehow clouds his judgement (anhedonia).

So I went to a psychiatrist who told me that he might has BiPolar II disorder (so driven when work-full energy-takes a lot of projects but never finished them. On the other days he's so low even to work on daily life tasks). Of course it needs further examination with the patient himself to make sure.

Now he shuts me out, he won't take my call or read my messages.

I feel so helpless. Although he has broken my heart and given up on us, I can't help but feel worry about him.

2

Hey darkeyes.

He seems to be in a lotta pressure both from work and emotionally. I'm in the same situaton as your boyfriend, so maybe I can help you? It's really hard to love and be in a stable relatonship when you're mentally not doing well. I suffer from depression, DP/DR, and OCD. I think it's really good that you're supporting him and showing how much you care about him however, lots of people who suffers from a mental disorder have a hard time keeping a relationship healthy. I'm really sorry you have to go through this but sometimes it's for the best so he can focus on himself and get better. He seem to feel bad for putting so much pressure on you as well.

Are you still talking? Friends? How was he in the beginning when you first started dating? Did he show any bipolar symptoms back then? You seem to focus a lot on him... and I understand that how he's feeling drains out your positive energy because you care about him so much. You seem like a really caring person and he's lucky to have you! but he needs help that you can't give him. Stay with him though, relationship or not. I'm sure he needs you.

I'm just talking from my own experience; I've been in a LDR relationship for a year now but life got pretty s**t a few months ago and I lost all feelings for everything, even him. A relationship is a lot of work and I can't handle that at the moment, but I still want him around. I'm too scared to tell him because he's not gonna accept it... and then he's just gonna end up never talking with me again.

Try to relax, this seems to be something you're thinkning about a lot. Take a day off and focus on yourself only, think it all through, put yourself in his situation if you can. I'm really proud of you for being there for him so much, he's lucky to have you. I hope the best for you and hopefully he'll get the help he needs and feel better.

Good day xx

3

I think this man is very hard work and you need to think very hard about whether you want to spend your life with a man like this.

Don't make the mistake of thinking you can change him - you can't.  Don't make yourself responsible for his moods and behaviour as you can't help him.  He needs professional help and until he gets this I can't see a successful relationship for you both. 

Sorry to be so blunt but I think you would be better letting him go and looking elsewhere.  You will save yourself a whole lot of pain and distress.  x

4

Hi Darkeyes. I hear your pain. I know it's deep but I feel concern that you will always be in pain and feel drained as long as you have any dealings with this man. I know that's not what you want to hear. But not only is he probably mentally ill but he knows it and has NO desire to do anything to help himself. He is so deep in self-centeredness that with him it seems like another whole illness. Darkeyes you are not abandoning him he is the one that dropped you on your head. Would you consider getting some therapy so that you don't pick this kind of man again. What do you think? Diane

5

Hi darkeyes - first, take care of yourself. He has decided that this endless chase for wealth and status is more important than seeking help for his mental health illness or even enjoying life with you. And it IS an endless chase - no matter what he achieves it will never be enough, he will continue to set the bar higher and higher, believing he is the sum of his possessions. He is ambitious to the point that he is nothing else.

As for his assertion that having you in his life is a "sacrifice" I'm surprised he hasn't billed you for the hours you have selfishly gobbled up when he could have been chasing more of his coveted baubles. 

Hypercat has wisely counselled you - you can't change him, he has to do that himself. He has given you an out. Stop trying to contact him. He will reach out to you when he needs something for himself. Deal with him then.

6

Thank you so much for your kind words. They really give me a new perspective. It's good to get an insight from survivor as he gives me none.

He has a very small network of friends (only business acquitances). He pulls away from social interaction because he feels insecure/diffident/small as his career is not as spectacular as a harvard graduate's career should be.

I've told his family about his depression several times (before this break-up episode). His sister said if I didn't tell them, they would never know that he's so stressed because he looks 'normal' around them. He lives with his parents and his sister's family (sister, brother in law, and a nephew), but they're not close. And she travels a lot for work so she has so little time to reach him out.

I'm sorry about your lost feelings. Does it happen because of the depression or maybe it's the side effect of your medications? I think you should have a talk with your boyfriend so you both can work on how to make it better. Believe me, he can sense it. You don't want him to think that you are pretending things up.

Cz that's what I feel. My bf visited me only 2 weeks before this happened (did he hint anything about breaking up? Nope. He was happy, caring, and loving as he usually is, especially when we meet) and we were making plans about me visiting him next month. Until he reach the point he cannot 'pretend' to love me anymore? That all went overnight, like he woke up a different person.

Your lost feelings, does it happen slowly or suddenly?

Last thing I said to him is: if being in relationship with me doesn't make you happy then I agree, you need to go and find out by yourself what is right for you.

Do you think I said the right thing or am I making it worse? Maybe he thinks I don't care about him anymore.

I wouldn't say I cope well. I think about it from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep. Trying to analyse everything, going over and over things he has said to me about us and how he feels about us.

Deep down I feel he loves me and he knows it, but the depression doesn't allow it. I think depression makes people hate themselves so much that they get angry at other people for loving them.

Should I just give up on him? Can't help but think maybe I am the source of his depression so he decided to get rid of me. Maybe he will get better without me.

7

Dear @hypercat @Adldiane and @wayne1962 thank you so much for your replies. It really warms my heart that there are people who takes time to show that they're care, even for a stranger.

My doctor and friends also say the same thing. Being in relationship with a depressed person (or bipolar person) is a long-term hard working.

He gets so caught up making a living that he forgets to make a life. I worry that his lofty ambitions will never be able to be reached as there is no actual goal just a vague benchmark that is always changing.

One time I said to him "you can always find a new job. There's always a thing to do. But people around you, who truly cared about you and loved you, they won't be there forever"

I said that because he pulls away from friends and family (and now from me too). I want him to realize that no one on their death bed wishes they'd work a few hours more.

That is when he said that it (he means relationship with people) is a sacrifice he's willing to make in order to gain success.

I'm seeing a psychiatrist right now. I hope the doctor can help me to separate myself, this relationship and his depression.

No point to get a closure from him as he doesn't reply any messages and answer phone either. And I get scared that I'm violating his personal space by not respecting his decision.

8

I'm not on any medication. I lost my feelings for everything suddenly after a breakdown/panic attack a few months ago, I got DP/DR after that episode. Maybe he had a breakdown of some kind he haven't told you about? Since he woke up as a different person. I try to hide it as well as I can for my boyfriend. He's thretened me with killing himself if I leave him so it just makes the situation a lot harder. Being the reason for someone's death would drown me with quilt.

I did tell him that I wanted to break up about two months ago because I wasn't feeling well and that I couldn't handle a relationship, but it didn't turn out that well. He made me feel really bad for saying that... he even self harmed and sent a picture to me of it and with the captions ''this is your fault.'' I couldn't handle that so I ended up apologizing and getting back together with him. He's emotionally abusive, he admits that himself. It just sucks because I'd love to still be friends with him, but he told me if we break up, then he's never gonna be able to face me ever again.

I think what you said was the right thing to say, it shows that you care and I wish my boyfriend would say those words to me instead of making me feel terrible about feeling bad. I feel like my boyfriend is forcing me to stay with him no matter how I feel at this point. I personally think you said the right thing.

You seem like a really caring person, I doubt you're the source for his depression. Why do you think that? Have you done or said anything that makes you think so? Since my boyfriend is a bit emotionally abusive, at some points, then I'm sure he's contributed a bit to how I'm feeling now. He made me cut all my friends off ect.. However it's normal to think so I guess. For example my mom thinks that how I'm feeling is all her fault, but it isn't. That's just how she feels because she cares about me so much, she feels like she's failed me even though she's a really good mom and I had a great childhood.

I don't know how old you are but maybe it wasn't meant to be. My mom always tells me: ''two people aren't meant to be together forever, that's simply just not human.'' I agree with that. I understand that you worry about him and think this about this a lot but you only have one life and you should do your best to live it to the fullest. Being stuck worrying about one guy to the end of your days isn't healthy. When did he break up with you?

I think he still loves you but his depression won't let him. I think he just have so much going on that he can't handle love. I can't be sure though, that's just how I feel. He was crying while he said it, I think that shows he still cares about you still, but can't handle a relationship at the moment. Maybe you'll get back together when he feels better? Maybe he just needs some time alone to think and get help? Don't give up on him though, he's not better off without you. But try not to think about it so much, distract yourself, go out with friends ect..

Good day xx

9

omg. i cant believe im reading this its word for word identical... ny boyfriend is the sane... he gas just dumped me again.. saying you deserve better. i cant have a relationship.. he is in a laspe at the moment.. . w

hes done ir twice . my heart is broken

. its not diagnosed.. im cinvincrd its bipolar.