I don't really know what I have, never been diagnosed with this but I have been struggling for a while now. Back in 2014, I woke up one morning, completely random with an issue with my eye. Went to school that day (I was 14) and instantly got bullied. Went to hospital and it was an expected aneurism (stressful times in itself). Turns out it's ptosis. A droopy eyelid and enlarged pupil. That's it. That triggered a slow, 4 year downwards spiral to today. I'm 18, terrible academically but I fluked by scraping passes. I faced the typical struggles of a teenager back then but never overcame them like everyone else did, such as deciding my future. I still don't know today, and it grinds away at me in the background. All the stress of GCSEs and A Levels still hasn't left me. I'm somewhat resilient, so I bottled it up and moved on. Fast forward to 16, by some miracle I attracted the attention of a beautiful girl who was new to town. We were together for a while until she suddenly got diagnosed with cancer, and passed. That was the big one. I still haven't found a way to cope with all that. Residual stress from the past and her passing tipped me over the edge. I had my first public breakdown. I had already fluked through life and as soon as something good happened, it got a whole lot worse very suddenly. I'm still not over it, and honestly I don't think I ever will be. Still, I tried to bottle it all up and moved on. Now I have a job, which I'm almost being fired from due to low productivity as a result of me being constantly dim, stressed, upset. Fair enough they have every right to do what's in the best interest of the company, but it's my dad's company. And the guilt I'm having for making him do that is terrible. Guilt is a big issue too, it's another contributor to how I feel. Constantly feeling guilty about not doing better in school, for not having many (any) friends, for having trust issues, countless things. I even feel guilty for all the money my parents must have spent on me as a kid. It all adds up. But of course I keep bottling it up.
For a lot of people on these forums they say "Go outside, meet new people, exercise". I go outside regularly. Every. Single. Person. Stares at me because my face is different. Not normal. I feel alienated, left out from the rest of society. This is significantly amplified in the dating world. Looks are everything these days. I've always been old school, I want something long term. I don't see the appeal in messing around, just want that one person you can always rely on. But because I'm 18, and have an abnormal face, that isn't an option so I'm alone. I've always been a loner so again, I bottle it up. I can't even distract myself from any of this, even if I try to go to the gym, play football, gaming I still end up amassing a whole load of emotions and having a breakdown, every other day it seems to be happening as opposed to once a month. Earlier today I had a breakdown. I was just simply making myself salad when I saw the knife. I saw my arms, I also saw my stomach. Two options came into my head, I don't need to tell you what they were...
And after an hour, I was just dim, stressed normal old me again. But it's the first time I've had those thoughts. I've since stashed the knives on top of high cupboards to resist the temptation as I strongly felt compelled to use them. I can't live like this any more so I though I'd come on here for help. Sorry if it isn't depression, I can't really think straight anymore.
I nearly fell into the traps of smoking, alcohol, drugs on multiple occasions but today, I came so close to falling into the worst one of all.
Thanks all for reading, any help is much appreciated