Please don't feel dirty. That is the way I felt right after. I knew I should have called the cops to get evidence, but I was so embarrassed...I just pulled what was left stuck on off me, and then got in the shower until it burned my skin. I just wanted to peel my old skin off, and be someone else. It was a horrible, messed-up feeling, but from what I've read online, it's the most common one for rape victims.
Stop feeling horrible. That's the first step. You don't owe anything to anyone. What happened to you was the perpetrator's fault. The feelings you have of fear and sickness and rage are valid, and sex is supposed to be enjoyable to you, too, not just your husband. After I got raped, I stopped having any sexual contact with anybody for a little over a month. I couldn't even touch myself for months thereafter. I did have sex with the next boyfriend (K), but initially it was kind of a perfunctory thing. (The guy was a real d-bag, and I wish I had realized that at the time, but he was my ticket out of the house with my rapist, so I had sex with him and actually felt good about it bc it was the first time I had done so willingly. Regardless of what he said to throw in my face later, I lost my virginity to that boyfriend.)
K at least started out a gentleman, and was a gentleman in a couple of ways, even though he was abusive in others. He always was understanding of me, and genuinely didn't want to do anything sexually that gave me flashbacks. We did a lot of creative things - stayed away from positions that triggered me,; did it in weird places - bathroom, counter, etc.; lots of foreplay to get me in a good mindset - so desperately needing it that I really wanted to have sex; we would totally stop if I needed to; we would switch to mutual masturbation, or hand jobs if I couldn't do sex anymore but we were both still horny. Sex in front of a mirror so I could see that it was K, and that I was safe. Honestly, changing my appearance helped a lot. Dying my hair was the first step. Then, buying new clothes - especially new lingerie - things that I liked, not things for him. I started reading Cosmopolitan magazine, and letting myself get turned on by hot stories and articles. Gradually started reading romance, but it really made me sick at first, and took like 2 years and 6 months for me to be able to read again? I honestly think the biggest turning point for me was about 2 years after the rape when I bought some kinky lingerie, and K was a d-bag about it, so I just put on my sexy clothes and masturbated in front of a mirror. It made me see me and my sexuality as something new - I was someone powerful and beautiful, and this was mine. I think I finally understood why no one had the right to have taken that from me.
So, 2 years and 10 months later, I still am having problems sexually, but I wouldn't say that I can't have sex. My new boyfriend is amazing and wonderful and I think I'm going to marry him. I still have to tell him to stop occasionally, or to switch positions. I still dress up in costumes and take on a personality sometimes to make me feel pretty and powerful when I need a pick-me-up, but I also feel good dressed like a pin-up. I don't need the mirror anymore, but in all fairness, my new boyfriend is half Philippino, so it's pretty obvious that it's him from the skin tone of his arms, even when he's behind me. xD
And hey, before I forget it - you don't owe anybody a baby. It f****d me up big time to think that I was too broken to have a child, and you know what? It's just not true that you're too messed up. Take some time to heal - YOU DESERVE IT. PTSD is a disability, and you have to respect yourself as a disabled person. Would you tell some woman who had just gotten out of heart surgery that she should be having sex and making babies, and that she was a failure bc she wasn't? No! You'd give that lady months, years, whatever it takes to heal. It's ok to admit that you're sick.
And finally, the most important thing I've learned in three years is this: Never say anything to yourself that you wouldn't say to your best friend. You are your own best friend, and as people, we say horrible horrible things to ourselves that we would never say to other people. I used to look in the mirror and say, "I hate you, you goddamned slut. How could you let that happen to you?!" And then, one day I realized, I would never ever even dream of saying that to my best friend or God forbid to my sister. So why is it fair that I'm saying it to myself? When I thought about it, I couldn't think of a single person who would be cruel enough to say it to me either. So, I was putting my own self through hell for literally no reason.
I really appreciate you corresponding with me so much on here. <3 It makes me feel good.
