Ok, so I drank today...I know I'm not the only one.
But, I noticed that I am tending to start conversations in other peoples on going threads..and that can BE OK....but not as much as I may ramble today...so feel free to ramble here if you are drunk....I'm going to reply to my own ramble...because I need to ramble.
I'm going to list out all my issues...I don't NEED sympathy...I don't need replies...I just need to explode....and for anyone else that does need a place to vent (drunk)....here you go...I will try to keep up.
i am not saying it is OK to drink....its not...for any of us here....but it happens...and its not joyful at least for me...and I can't hold in everything...so here we go!
Ok..here I go.
My sons have not talked to me in the 3 months I have been sober.
The reason is I am very NON FLEXIBLE.....I CONTROL....and I cant mind my own business (all this was discovered in therapy in the last 3 months). So..I owned it today...I texted my oldest (herion addicted) with 2 children that I have barely seen...and said I want to be in your life...it will be on your terms....I am learning..all these things....I miss you...NOTHING.
They hate my B/F without too much detail....my b/f has his own issues...with addiction...my kids HATE him. But, my therapist said...if I don't try to force him on them...they don't hate me...so I should be the "mother" and reach out...So I did....and I guess the dream of wanting my grandchildren at MY HOUSE is out if I want to have my b/f in my life.
My X...beat me and in front of my kids...and they talk to him ALWAYS..he is a whore master...sleeps with everyone and that includes my own sister...and I am P*ssed they don't talk to me...but talk to him. I talked to my X today and asked WHY IS THIS? He said...cause YOU chose your b/f over them....True...I have wanted them to accept my b/f....so therapist says let it go..and I am.
Men..I always hook up and choose men that want to control me....I spent 7 hours with my mother yesterday...another long story.....and her and I have deep issues...but this was a problem with my b/f.
In the first 22 years with my X...it was control....I'm sorry..I won't be controlled ever again...so therefore THAT is causing huge problems in my home.
Friends...have 2 left...they want me to go to NY paid on them.....2 things..I don't feel well enough (sober or drunk) to have an outing....and my b/f will feel left out.
These 2 friends keep pressuring me about going and my therapist is also pressuring me about it...and its driving me crazy.
Medically...have to check for lung cancer next week and need a stomach cat scan...
Income..never know if it is secure....applied for disability almost 2 years ago...
Sleeping..not well.
Drinking...always pops up when I am overwhelmed.....
Drinking today....p*ssed at myself and feeling relieved at the same time.
Breathing...difficult...have COPD and smoke like a fiend....smoke more when drinking.
Oh Misssy, I just don't know what to say, but I had to let you know that I have read your post. I know that you don't want sympathy, but good grief, you have mine.
If only I had that magic wand....if only.
Pat.
ha..thanks patricia...I have my own sympathy...going on 24/7.
I scare myself.....glad to hear from you tonight.
I watered flowers..escaped a cop....cooking dinner..the American dream...and I continue to hurt myself..makes no sense.
Well done on not having that drink before the cop stopped you!! Whew!!
I am struggling to find the right words to say to you because I think you are amazingly brave to cope with all you have on your plate. I know you won't accept that you are brave, but I think you are. You obviously have an addictive personality and you have fought it to the best of your ability. Nobody can judge you, only yourself. But please go easy, don't be too hard on yourself.
Take care my friend. You are in my thoughts.
I just watched a lady walk by my door the exercise thing...the headphones..and I say to myself..WHY...why can't i just be normal? Why do I have to keep proving I'm not normal to my Drs?
I want what she has...what you have...what everyone has...why not me? Such a pity thing...all the time..and it gets to me...
On the other hand..I have strong days...when I feel like I can have anything I want as long as I breathe....its so confusing...
I think since I decided to get DRUNK..I will try and enjoy it..there is a place that does Karaoke...I love to sing..frig it..go sing...and this is a really bad attitude...cause my anxiety is so high...I could stay up all night and drink and sing...but tommorow when the importance and reality comes..I won't be ready.
Thanks patricia...for saying I'm brave...that helps me to carry on and get by this.
OK..so I TRIED to re connect with my sons today.
Youngest....worked good...he gave me his address...said he wanted no money.
Oldest..no reply...just as I expected..but not really..I was always closest to him..life sux...not putting this on you Patricia....I just hit reply....I don't care for an answer..i am still venting ...LOL
ok..i need to get out of here...listen to music....and I don't have a driver...
Misssy
am here but probably drunk.
this is a drunk post..so if your drunk....than who cares..why my post was moderated dont know..but not happy. :_)
ok..i'm understanding the whole dynamic of the drunk post..
Who will not condone it?
Colin where are you...lol...
Paper where are you..
Abangel..where are you..
I know I'm not the only f*cked up person..
I know Colin even sober you have an offer.
I know it is best I don't drive.
So...listening to Prince...my next deal.
i know Kelly..you are based almost on my timeline...where is everyone..afraid to post their true feelings?
I'm P8ssed at the world..anyone else...
my stomach hurts..my brain hurts...I hurt...
wov wov you have had and are having a complicated and also sad life...almost too much to take in..you have my sympathy but I do not know how to console you since too much is happing in your life constantly...keep trying...what can I say?? Robin
I meant I had too much to drink, not you. Don't know why your post was moderated xx
It's morning here and I was just wondering how you are. I hope the hurting has stopped.
Keeping you in my thoughts.
Pat xxx
Thanks patricia...well I stumbled off to bed...house spinning..thought I would vomit...but didn't....can't remember what time it was...had 9-10 or 8-9 beers....feeling like crap...but not like death.....will struggle today...and I have an appointment at 2pm....
My body aches...and I know I am dehydrated...I will hydrate today and stay sober again because I am under alcohol radar at therapy. Thanks for being there and caring last night and this morning. I hope you have a good "sober" day.
Hi Robin...thank you and thank God I didn't go out anywhere last night...just stumbled into bed...my body aches today...and will make the appointment and will not drink....I can't believe I started the stupid drunk post...but I guess it is what it is and a good reminder to me of what happens when I drink..
Hope you have a good day.
We have to stop this vicky....running to drink.....I always feel horrible the next day...I will admit I felt good for about 5 hours yesterday while I was drinking...but I don't think it is worth what it makes me feel like all day the day after.
But even as I type that.....I am angry that I am under alcohol radar at therapy..c.ause I want to drink today...it really is just to block out the chaos of life...and even typing that...I know drinking causes more chaos....its so crazy how I think sometimes.
Hi missy...I do hope that you are feeling a little better today...xxx
Hugs xxx
Your post...my god missy.....that is SO.. SO.. SO. ME...
I KNOW JUST HPW YOU FEEL....I was in a very bad way for ten years.....
Sectioned four times on a sec..three....near death. Quite a few times...self hatred and absolute nightmare did not even come into it....
My family were gutted....
I was then sober for ten wonderful years....
At the moment. I am slipping again.......vodka....of course...
About two bottles a week.......hiding it everywhere.....but only
Drinking after 8pm.....never..ever put yourself down my friend....we
Are not bad people.....hugs always ...Dee. I am sober at the moment
It is too early to drink xxxxxxx
great you don't drink early.
I do...its 8am...just got yelled at for drinking early.
Thank you for making me feel not such like a loser.
Not feeling good...and getting b*tched at....doesn't equal happiness. I'm just sick of life right now.