Ranting and advice please

[nh_user_473526]

I am currently attending my first year of university living in the dorms, and believe that I am suffering from some sort of depression. I want to just have some clarity on the matter, and get some things off my chest. In my family my brother and one of my aunts have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but I’m not sure if I’m bipolar. In grade twelve of high school I told my mother once that I thought I might be slightly bipolar as well, but she quickly assured me that I wasn’t. I do believe I have a slightly different persona when I’m with my family though, but I’m not really sure. For my brother, I don’t really don’t see him all that often due to the fact that I live with my mother, and he lives with my father. Also, we don’t really get along that well, and I try to avoid him. My brother is in his mid 20’s, and doesn’t take his prescriptions, and is really heavy into drugs. This is where we usually butt heads, and my brother refuses to see he has a problem. I’m a bit of a hypercritic though because before I got to university I used to smoke weed, and have done mushrooms on occasion, but not to the same extreme. The one thing I do find about myself is that I don’t really have anger attacks or really get all that angry in general. My brother though sometimes has really bad anger explosions where the littlest things can set him off, which is apparently common in people diagnosed with being bipolar?

For my grade twelve year during December I felt really in the dumps, and was only getting around six hours of sleep each night. During the winter vacation my one good friend of mine, and myself smoked a lot of marijuana, and some mushrooms (which we had also done over this summer and the last summer as well. I know probably not the smartest of choices). After winter vacation I felt really refreshed, and started to feel a lot more confident in myself, but that only lasted around 2 weeks.  After that I reverted to my normal introverted self.

For my university life I don’t believe that my anxiety or feeling like sh*t has to do with being stressed about moving out or to do with my school work. In general I’ve never really cared about getting good grades, and It doesn’t really bother me about moving out. As of late though I find it really difficult to go to all of my classes, and usually end up skipping half of them. If it wasn’t for my friends that come to my room before certain classes we have together, or to come grab me to hang out, I doubt that I would leave my room. Also, I’ve been sleeping a lot lately, and my sleep cycle is way out of whack. One day I managed to sleep for 15 hours. I’m not sure if any of my friends have realized that I’ve been in the dumps as of late. I usually try to keep on a manly guy façade, but in reality I’m rather sensitive. We usually just shotgun beers, and play shot for shot, and other typical dumb university stuff. An old friend of mine from my small home town also lives in the same building as myself, and somehow we started talking about drugs, and he stated that haven’t I’ve done mushrooms before. To be honest it cut pretty deep when he said that. Most of the people that I hang around are all straight A students who probably haven’t ever seen real drugs in their life, while I have 40+ pot plants growing in my back yard at my dad’s. Just thinking about my disgust toward my brother, I wonder what they think of me, even though I stopped doing that, which was mostly because of my distaste for my brother.

As of late I find myself not wanting to do anything, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I really dislike trying. Also, I’ve been having more frequent thoughts of suicide. I doubt I’d ever actually do it though. I have another brother who is slightly older than I, who I am really close to. We sometimes joke how we’re the only normal ones in our family (I think he might be the only one…). I always think about how devastated he’d be if I… and usually cry like a little bitch. I don’t really want to talk to anyone about this, because I feel like people will look at me differently or pity me, and I hate that. Should I go to a doctor without telling anyone? I honestly don’t understand depression at all, and have no clue what to do.

[nh_user_378796]

Your family have a history of mental health diagnosis.  That doesn't mean it's genetic or you can catch it of your sibling.  Your probably perfectly healthy.  I would strongly suggest you concentrate on eating a good healthy diet, cut out the alcohol and definitely cut out any drugs.  If you do a little research yourself you will find that it is well known amongst the medical profession that cannabis and other illegal substances can bring on the state of schizophrenia or bi polar.

Get a good solid 8 hours sleep but get up and walk.  take a good long walk, around the campus by a beach, round the countryside, in the town, around the running track........anywhere, exercise.  And keep at it until you feel better. Don't lie in bed wishing your life away and for the end, all you are doing is messing up your head.  You've missed lectures.  I take it you've probably behind in your assignments. If you are, go to your assigned mentor, personal tutor and ask if he can help or advise you or speak on your behalf to the tutors on work that you may have fallen behind in.  Yes, mixing with grade A students might rub off a little on you but it won't do your assignments, and plagging is dangerous.

Next tip, aim to get as much work completed as best you can now.  Aim to have as much of your Christmas free so you can relax enjoy, and not drink.  Big ask isn't it? You don't want any work hanging over you like a millstone.  The secret is to get it in early, or on time, before it gets to you affects your marks negatively and brings you down further.

It's great you've made some good friends.  But once the degree pressure kicks in they'll soon fall by the way because they'll need to do their own work.  What doctors you see is your business it's nothing to do with anyone else unless you want them to know.  If you are having very negative or suicidal thoughts you must tell someone.  Again this can be your personal tutor who can re arrange your work load,  your GP and a specialist trained counsellor.  Don't be frightened about mental health and don't scorn it either it can be a serious illness, and equally it can be successfully managed.

As for your plants, get rid, get rid of them yourself otherwise you can implicate others.  They carry a criminal penalty and your father can be implemented by him allowing the plants to be housed on his property.  A criminal conviction could negate you from certain professions once you qualify successfully in your degree.

[nh_user_495323]

Hi Peter,

The fact that there is are mental health issues in your family history does put you in the higher risk of bipolar depression. However, from your description there is nothing to suggest that you are bipolar. The only thing suggesting otherwise may be the risk-taking behaviour such as taking drugs, but quite many young people experiment with drugs so I wouldn't worry too much about it (but you are right- you shouldn't do it). Sleeping 6 hours is still not "drastic" enough to show maniac episode.

It is worriesome you think about suicide and lastly don't want to do anything. You might be suffering from depressive episode (it doesn't need to be chronic-maybe it is a one time thing).If I were you I would see a therapist and try to find out why you are feeling the way you are. Thinking about death, sleeping a lot and not finding pleasure in anything are very typical of depression. Of course, it happens that it goes on its own. But studies show that with the help of therapy your symptoms will be alleviated much faster- and you don't want to waste your collage years on depression, do you?

If you really don't want to see anyone, just try to talk things out with someone you trust or even on these fora. And accept that you are normal. It is possible you don't feel normal because you are sensitive and introverted. And if you do have depression, annually, in UK,  5% of adults have an episode of depression, so it affects quite a lot of people, you don't need to feel "crazy" or outcasted.

Good luck and keep us posted!

[nh_user_507621]

Hi Peter - you've very clearly outlined your situation. I do think that you're suffering from depression (though not in a severe way). From what you say, you don't sound like someone who has bipolar disorder (or, if you do, it's very mild). But you are having a tough time. Yes, go and see your doctor. You need not inform anyone else. See what your doctor says. Perhaps you talk to someone at the university - they may have counsellors who could help.