It's been a difficult year for health problems, and thus my health (and general) anxiety.
After a really intense period of anxiety last year where I had to take two months off work, a doctor finally decided to rule out any physical cause. After various tests they found out I had lumps on my thyroid and an autoimmune syndrome which was causing my thyroid to not work properly. During the space of about six months, they did various tests because they couldn't tell if one of the lumps on my thyroid was benign. Thankfully I got the all clear, but I had to live for six months not knowing whether I had cancer or not.
While that was a stressful situation (especially because I live abroad and it's a different language with different procedures), I think I coped pretty well. I guess it was because I had a good support network at the time, especially because they came to my many scans and the biopsy with me. Apart from all the tests and waiting, that period of my life was fairly good. Then when I got the all clear things started to look even better - I felt better, I was moving house, and had a potential new job.
Then a couple of months later I started having problems with my ears. I won't go into the long story, but a failed ear cleaning was what kicked my anxiety off in the first place. This has been going on for almost five months, with the doctors not really taking it seriously and thinking that it's just some wax and no big deal. Well it is to me and it's making me incredibly anxious. I can't sleep properly because if I lie on my side my ears clog up. I have been to see doctors, nurses, specialists and, like I said, they just clean them a bit or say to put drops in and that's it.
Things have also been going down hill since the ear problem started. I hate my job, my support network has mostly moved away, meaning that not only have I had to make new friends even when I'm feeling low, I also haven't had anyone to talk to about this. Plus two major friendships have pretty much ended. One of them just suddenly stopped answering messages or calls and started ignoring me. The other went really cold on me too - we work together and used to eat lunch together every day, and then suddenly she just stopped and started eating lunch with other people. I tried to talk to her but she just said nothing was wrong. Then, when she started to feel anxious and upset about stuff, she suddenly started wanting to see me again and talk. It made me realise that she's just using me when she needs someone to lean on. You might say that I'm better off without these two people, but it hurts so much and reinforces my view that nobody really likes me or cares. Actually, in the same period, another friend was really nasty to me and then just completely ignored me as well. It's really hard not to feel like there is something wrong with me when that happens.
Since I hardly ever have proper conversations with people - often it's just small talk with people I've recently met - I don't ever talk about this. And now I've started preferring my own company, choosing to spend time on my own in my flat instead of going out.
Sorry for the long message, it's just today I got so angry and upset because I just thought that I can't take this anymore. I'm so tired of this situation. I'm unhappier than I have ever been in my whole life. I'm not asking for a lot - just normal health, some good friends,and a job I think is ok (I don't even need to love it), with nice colleagues.
I've had plenty of therapy, and tried so many techniques to try to improve my mental health, and I'm in this situation. If I ever have to make another gratitude list, I think I'll scream. And I feel like while I still have these health problems, I'll never be able to feel ok. I feel like I am failing completely at life, and I just want to be content. I'm not asking for anything special, just that.