really worried about my behaviour!Pls someone spk to me????

Treatment and medication
1

Hi there! yesterday i was on cloud nine, you couldnt have tried to lift my head from the heavens!!! I was feeling greatr. Work was fun. Had such a laugh!! ( I thought I was doing just fine!)

decided to take a walk. I got about two streets away from my work. I felt so dizzy and sick I nearly lay down on the ice. I couldnt have cared less. I then had those strong thoughts ( stop it, your a mum -you need to get home, then images of my stalker, then choking and wanting to throw. All the walls statred to move, the ice below my feet was slipppier than ever . my heart was giving a pounding. i started to howl and scream I wantr my mum. I started to cry. Then got so angry, Tryiong to kick the ice in -pretending it was my exs head. Then laughing hysterically ) because how can anyone get in such a state) Couldnt get across the road -asked someone for help . Obviously ( doh!) they ignored me /blanked me, so I did that angry woman thing eff off you .////ow im not a racist or anything like that, but why is it people seem to take what they want and then bugger off. Okay then AMAZING , some really lovely lady even went to the expense of parking her car and walking me to a bus stiop I was amazed, then offered her to ....anyway....Ive not been able to leave the house since. Im so down I was sick last night. Then tried to ring work , but no reply, then fell asleep and woke up at about 2 thiryty this afternoon. I rang work but fear im now going to get the scak. I have no money couldnt afford the bus fare anyway, aI have wardrobes full of clothing but choose to stay in pyjamas. I am crying here there and everywhere, then laughing at how ridiculous my behaviour is. I still have a 300 word essay to do befor the 8 th. i cant see me getting through any of it. I dont even think I should be here. Left to my own devices. Ive never 9 actually that is a lie) but I think this is mania( but no one believes me) . Ive so much debt tooo, that i thin k owe well stuff it-i may get hit by something tomorrow 9 that very likely I normally ened up battered on the kitchen floor , Since 20006 actually) Is it any wondre. but then I realise my lack of responsibility. its bad. I dont mean it. i just cant deal with very nmuch , yet I know im myuch stronger than this. Please please someone help me. no one seems to arounfd or even want to talk to me these daysPLEASE HELP!

iM STILL WAITING ON ACCOMODATION. Im so struggling just to get through. i think about 10 years ago . How I got so close to another family . How I spent so much time with them and I knew then that depp downm I was not a priority. ( Un derstandably!) I cant take anymoreIm about to loose everything. Partner is giving his poweer games. he gave me no money for the childrens christmas Nothing. I felt so guilty for being suchj a piece of ■■■■ that I over spent on them I feel guilty for even havong had them and putting them on this planet. and worse still death is pending.I feel so selfish like no one understnads. i actuallly believe no one does understand. I dont want to die, I dont want to have to deal with it though, and Iam so scared of his manipulative games. (As he gave me no money, he has money left over to do things with the children like go tot the movies) Sorry but this makes me gag!Is this noramal . Do all woman just accept and put up with this? Do they? Am I loosing it? Am I ? He seems to carry on beliebving that I am still mentally ill , despute not drinking so much .( well happy new year folks) I dont think I want to see 2010. I think ill go max out my vise. then top myself and believe me I know it takes more than 90 paracetamol. I cant see a way out. Theres no way out!

2

Hey Babykates,

This is going to be brief as I need to go to work, but I think you are bi-polar. This is what I think from reading what you have wrote and I think you need to get the help for that. You cant carry on that like/this. You deserve to live a normal life, and seeking help for this will give you the best possible chance.

I think if you feel like this you should call some professionals, mental health team. Take that first step at getting help. I know you are desperate for someone to help you on here, comfort you but this is not the place. This forum isnt going to give you what you need. Please .. please get some help for these problems you have.

Its 2010 tomorrow, make a fresh start for yourself.

All the best

Melissa

3

Hi Meliss-thank you for talking to me. I was really sick again last night. Mind you , it made me feel less guilty about the work situation.

Ive asked people before about that-but I dont seem to get any sense of what is going on? all I know is this , last night I was feeling really anxious and cant understand why Im still here. Even being in this flat...it doesnt feel right. he makes me feel so useless that sometimes I cant move from my chair and I end up stairing and thinking wtfn.

The good news about New Year is its a nice number -even ( i have a thing about odd numbers) anyway, that s the boozing days over-and Im really going to make an effort to be a better mum. Thats all I can do -isnt it?

I think this person in my life has a real hold on me_ i found my letters from the solicitor -kept reading them -and no matter what way you look at it-I wouldnt let my girls be treated in this way! Im giong to get my course work done, clean this flat , watch some good films ( try not to feel anything about this situation -I will get out one day/just im such a stupid cow that Ive spent all my spare money!)Actually, if I get offered anoter place to stay Ill just take it. Ill manage someohow. If I dont get offered a place soon, ill have to go private. Though i am worried about being on my own. I always have been to reliant on ther people and I think thats what gets people like me in these situations.

ENOUGH!!!

Melissa 17, whatever happens, have a great 2010! Im sure it will get better!

4

i tried to gut my head off with a chainsaw when i was talking this drug it makes you happy one mimuite and sad the next

5

... brilliant. :?

6

WELL, thankfully I do not posess a chainsaw , just tons of medication and a toilet! In anyways, a chain saw would be far to painful slow and messy, Id just go for the old fashioned fire arms method, solid and final. If I used a chainsaw Id get through some skin and end up with a blood red carpet and a messy neck, Nop e not my method!

I think that was a bit cheeky, for someone to write that-do you Melissa? They whoever wrote it - trying to be funny-isnt realy funny-its disturbing and like someone taking the complete P I S S .oKAY, bad, been crying not even got to the pill cupboard-dont know what to do now! Told dad last night about work situation-luckily I have a strong dad-he is the only one that gets through to me. Stop it Katy-RELAX! theres always jobs in asda. Hes a great man, amazing really for not only putting up with me, but for having dealt with his own scary life and getting through it. This is terrible though, because I am now comparing my meessy life with his own mum and dad, and I cant hel but think tht his dad was not the innocent man we all think.I cant help it. Im sorry, but hi smum had schiszo and was dissowned by everyone, I was never allowed to meet any of his family , ( according to dad, to protect us) I get that, but at the same time, the more I find, the more I realise, NO, she was ill for some other reason. She abused my dad and his now, god only knows where brother, but she was ill /had been damaged herself. She even watched her own mum get squshed at Govan, squashed to death-sorry but i would have hit the hills too, or bridges or gun powder shots if that had been me.Okay, too much information/Ive said far too much.

Hopefully 2010 will be better, though I cant see that as I cant get out of bed, and I have bank charges pending, meanwhile hes pissed off with my children to his dads. Im really feeling hurt!

7

Actually, I cant stop crying and been rocking and howling. I rang to wish my baby girl a hapy new year as Ive not seen her. I got her-it meant nothing to her really/its in my head. So then I speak to him...this is what he said\".YOuve done it to yourself darling, youve done it all to yourself\" Wel, im sorry but even the patriotic word\"darling makes my blood boil\"Still shaking and rocking and crying and thinking hes ruining me...but I AM DOING IT TO MYSELF AS iM STILL STUPIDLY HERE!!!!!!!Itd be quicker if smeone would shoot me, but then I think how selfish Im being...I cant die, Ive ny children to think off, and with a father like that, they need me...What am I to do . Even if I try and get my scared head out of here, it looks bad, You get some row from a nurse who decides that im just completelyy pissed, doesnt een take any blodd samples or nothing, No -tut they can smell it off you-true-but why am I doing it???/Im not the imature selfsish person evreyone thinks I am As that is what people think. Its less painful to drink and ITS NOT AS THOUGH i JUST ENJOY IT TOO MUCH, its a protector , its something that helps take away fear, and pain and insecurity. It may be killing me, but I am fdying anyway, as I simply cant get passed my fornt doorIM fed up being judged for it, fed up!!! Then there is the , I am a happier and possibly a bit more stable with it. Actually, I could send my titor here, and state find my essay(lol) Anyway, Hysterical , my cat hates me like this he flings his entire body onto me and bites. Okay, sorry , having a bad effing day!!!!

8

Thats it! Confirmed! Im moving out! he has no legal rights. hes treated me and my girls like somesort of police cone thats been moved about the road time and time agin. if I could swear my head of on here I would , obviously i cant. But thats it...Ive had it! New year is looking better allready! Perhaps, i should phone the nhs and sign myslef into rehab-( huh!) Then find some good young handsome doctorthat could look after me( god I lill myself (laughing!) sometimes! This man is nothing more than a bad smell on the base of my shoe. Ive wrote about him too much, and need qygen to breathe. enough-done and dusted.Putting my girls first from now on and sod the w orld!

9

Im not so good! Not planning to get out of bed. been sick again, and then choose to go for the ice cream. Now feeling sicker and (to tell the truth) i dont want to take this stuff anymore! I feel wrecked anyway.

My children are the best!But for some reason I cant shake myself out of this!!!I feel totally inferior!!! Those words. the only words I ever hear\"You did it to yourself , darling\" They make me SICK in every way. I cant even get him arrested for what hes done . Im not planning anything. i think im going to have to ditch my course and find another job. I liked where I was a few weeks back. i was doing okay. i liked my wee partime job, and studying ( from a selfish point) I love my children, but my head is so far down history that It want reach the present Its funny , I found this jacket ) from a previous job_ Has big shoulder pads etc Tried it on and it was massive. Was I really fat a few years ago??? Anywa, Im off back to selfish land.. Hope you people are behaving. i dont see anymore options other than starving myself to death. Everything hurts and I dnot think starvation is linked to wanting to loose wieght . weight issues are not vanity, weight issues happen because your an emotional mess. end off!!!! How many vertically challenged people have you seen dippping into the Ice cream. How many 5ft8 females have you seen with their ribs hanging over their bellies? God, need I go on. Huh , yes, while I joke a little Im horizontally challenged, Indeedy, cant get out of bed haha!

10

Oh dear-is anyone about? I cant get rid of this nausea, been trying to throw up all day! Whatever this bug is, it makes you appreciate good health!

11

Please take some advice, you need to come off the citalopram and any other meds your on you can go straight onto atenolol 25mg two in the morning to stop the panic attacks heart racing confusion but these won't muck your head up you only need 50mg in the morning. these wil stop your body producing the chemicals that are making you feel so depresed and give your head a chance to clear and think straight so making you feel more positive and in control. you are NOT bipolar but you do need some support. recreational drugs do mess your head up and drinking you are on a downwood spiral stop it now don't let yourself be put on more drugs that you don't need and end up on a nut ward. drugs and drink just make it worse your just prolonging the pain your causeing yourself and others you feel sorry for yourself well stop it take control just stop it. be patient wait for council place sort your head out and you'll be wondering what the hell was wrong with you. come back to reality. I've been through shit all my life and have helped people through shit too. I've come through it though and so can you my kids are my world and so should yours be why did you have kids if you ain't gonna be a mum. take the advice and stop the self pitty and go to citizans advice make an appointment they can give u advice on your money, housing worries and help with loads of other stuff. no one is going to take u seriously clear your head first stop doing shit take some advice sort your head out what are you waiting for someone to make it all better that don't happen in the real world get some balls take control.

12

I dont mean to be rude-but how do you know how I treat my children??????????????????? :shock: DO YOU KNOW ME??????? Whoever you are-I know you are right and have the right idea at heart,BUT WHO( EXACTLY)do you think you are?????MY CHIOLDREN DO COME FIRST EVEN IF SOMEONE HAS CREEPED INTO MY BED AND TRIED TO MURDER ME.OK-DO NOT JUDGE ME???????I have no money and it s a long scar scary wait until I get help from the council , especially in this climate> You have no right to think I don not put my children first No right what so ever. In fact , the fact you dont thin kI out them before everything, hurts me. My children are lovely and my main focus is their happinness, NOT LIKE my mothers focus....appearances, intelligence and if you pass her high standards she may have given you a cuddle.

You should not be so quick to judge , sorry and even if you put your children first a) How exactly do you do this??????? B)Theres definitive lines here, how you do that and how I do that are possibly several different things!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I dont mean to upset you either, but I can feel you judging me and no matter what I do or what you have done to other, you have no right You wll never no my full story so just zip it!!!!!

13

...and another thing citizens advice are crap!!!! They tell you to do this and that...but then are incredibly difficult to get back in touch with.

I wouldnt be taking citalopram if I thought I could manage out my realms of self pity ( which isnt as bad as has been -you have no idea)

Thirdly......my ex is a manipulative two timing git that I dont even have the energy to kill!!!!!! Not that I d want to either( Im sure my children still love him).. They have even said \"we want you to go daddy\" he want leave. Its too comfy for him!!!!!

Have you any idea what it is like trying to hide the facts that I am so impoverished that I cant afford a loaf of bread...Dont tell me to stop self pitying...Yes everyone goes through rubbish (even if it is all your life...I could tell you an incredible story about my family, but really you are so nusy telling me to stop judging so busy telling me about y behaviour -when you have nt got a clue!!! You really do not have a clue ! Are you me? NO! So please please re think what you have said!!! You sound like an opportunist. I think back to how I even conceived my first child and theres something devastatingly awdful about it....and not only that....I was taking advantage off....and not only that...so was my family.......sorry but you make me go crazy!!!!! Whatever crap youve been through I dont care you judged me...My children are beatiful and I give them the best that I can ...anyway the most important thing is their happiness, well being and that they feel loved/ They get all these things..and more..I also have a supportive mum now....who really understands ( only now though-its taken some time and heartbreak to explain) I also have a dad that also helps with the children from time to time...I have family for when things get really tough and they always come first How exactly do you put your children first ?????

14

I havent calmed down from that yet...I know whoever it was has my best intentions at heart ...and I know I do not want to loose my children. But I am thinking that he may be planning something. Either way, I either end up dead somewhere, or alone without the children.. Ive been to cizensadvice, lawyers, womans aid....Ive nbeen tons of time...and to tell you the truth THEY ARE BLOODY USELESS!!!!!!!!! They can give you a room in the pitts.. Do you whoever you are know how dangerous that is??? Well, do you???? and Im not putting my children in a tiny room with their deperado mother( thats not an option). Plus, theres no money. If I had money, I would take my children and dissapear.Im fed up with everyone at the moment. Im fed up .I cant explain any of it to anyone...and why should I? Im fed up with all those people that say this and that, but yet have no clue they havent a clue. and then I ened up apending a lot of time, especially when my cildren are in bed, wishing I had not survived, either childbirths or my own birth. I wish they had just let me die...theyd allready wrote me off al ready, before I came out screaming ...who are they to say shel ll not live and dish out drugs. I was loaded with drugs from the womb, I have damaged eyes from the so called professionals doing their jobs..sorry, but I am angry...yeah if the so called professionals would do there bloody jobs right, perhaps Id have my aunt, perhaps I could have gone to her for elp, perhaps my sister wouldnt have buggered off, and perhaps I wouldnt feel like such a dissapointment to my family. Whoever that guets ws has no right, Say do this and that....maybe I have no luck, maybe they are better and maybe its as people look at me like I have an IQ of 2 because I cant see properly etc well I can damb well hear things, Loud and clear.. Huh and at my funeral I want the song pplayed\"I will survive4\"

Im supposed to be getting help for my drinking..If my drinking was that bad , how is it that I do more than most mothers about? See, no one has the right to say do this or that, as everyone is different, and If I want to die and I think its for my childrens best interest, than I would go ahead and shoot me But I dont think it is. The only thing I can do is wait for a house.Slip away ( very very quietly, not giving him my address then find a new lawyer) Thats what Im planning. but everytime I think about it, I am crawling the streets, cuddling lamposts slipping on ice.

15

Im sorry but I have to agree with 'guest' and I know you dont want to hear it but you have to help yourself first. You have too much bitterness inside for your past you need to let it go, its eating you up. You have to look to the future, live your dreams, you're full of self pity, and thats all I ever read. You cannot and will not help yourself. You shouldnt even be on your anti depressants or you cant be taking them properly because they would be working, who am I to judge? I have been through my hell, and taken my tablets, not drunk myself into a stupor and got the help I needed, but alot of it was mind over matter.

Ive lived in a refuge with my daughter, I faught a maniac ex, I moved, never told him where I lived and nearly 3 years later, Its all in my past. I did better for my kids, and I can see it.

Trouble is you come here wanting help, but you dont accept the harsh reality of what people are telling you, you dont accept where you are wrong in this. You live in another world.

16

Okay-thanks melissa-thats possibly true! Okay is true! Yes, I have bad toothache and guess I took it out on the wrong people. Actually Meliss, youve cheered me up. I just have to think I can get out of this. Youd did, so can I. I just fall down sometimes. Stupid -eh?

Apologies to guest.

17

Glad you've calmed down, yes you can do it. Anything is possible, and it will be fun along the way, thats the way you have to look at it mate.

18

1st off its nice to see someones see's what i see when reading this self pittying attention seeking stuff.....to be polite.......i try not to think about past but try to always look to the future but i need BAD GIRL to appreciate what she has and wake up watch the news we are blessed in this country to many people take it for granted. you have to get up off your bum and work hard to get things in this life they don't drop in your lap there is no father christmas or knight in shinning armour. I was raped at 9 years old, never told no one until a few years ago, problems down below and depression tried every pill under the sun got into violent relasionships one after another, health problems with no explanation, started drinking heavily at 10 years old useing speed ecstacy ketamin skunk and solids at the age of 13 partying up the west end nearly every night raped again by three men at 17 still in violent relasionships drank and took drugs including crack cocaine at this stage, was a dancer in islington and was killing myself for years getting beatings of blokes hassle great life then after years of going to doctors for down below bits found out i had endometriosis and it had back up tissue cists and scars all over the lower abdomen they had to cut it away because thats all they can do there is no cure it just keeps growing and bleeding inside the body and causes infertiliy pain and have to have continuos op's because it was misdiagnosed for so long it had already damaged a lot , so was told probably won't have kids. still abusing drink & drugs but working an office job still in abusive relasionships went to score and was grabbed i was 23 at this stage was attacked badly and raped again dropped miles away from home hitched a ride home from an old couple rang police but because i was recked treated me like shit told me they were taking me to a safe house to be examined told to get out of the car and they drove off leaving me about ten miles away from home i was single at the time found a phone box 1 in the morning phoning the police when door flung back two blokes tried to get me but i got away and ran got in front of a van he looked like my dad he took me home this is still not sorted to this day and have had hypnotherapy to help with flash backs. got into another controlling relasionship ended up in hospital from std would'nt leave me alone behind my front door begging him to leave me alone while waiting for the police he kicked in my glass door severed my ankle ligaments tendon 3 operations am on crutches. while passed got with i thought nice bloke bit paranoid then fell pregnant the day i found out i did three tests went home chucked my smoke down the toilet and gave up everything drugs drink ect. he turned nasty was alcaholic chucked him out he broke i was six months pregnant when he broke in tied me to the bed beat me raped me burnt me broke a broom stick over the side off my head three days and nights this went on for police broke in with my mum who had'nt herd from me in hospital for a while with among other things a damaged spine where he jumped on me how i don't know but my baby was ok, they could'nt find him went into hiding through the courts got moved miles away from family into my first council shithole flat three floors up no lifts on crutches they said if i did'nt take it i would be taken off the list but it would be temporary. it was hell on earth above and below partys fights ect ect hell two and half years on to the council my mp doctors health visitor to get me out of there the council hated me every day i would ring send supporting letters. mum would get three buses there and 3 back 4 times a week i got my councellour involved and the local papers i was disabled but getting know disability so was fighting them in tribunals then a place finally came up across the rd from my mum i rang the housing officer and begged and pleaded got fobbed offthen i got a call and i was lucky the people shown round were moan

19

Someone above advised going off Citalopram.

It's not a good idea.

You can get really bad withdrawal symptoms from suddenly going off Citalopram. I recently had over a week off it and it was not good.

I forgot that the doctor had told me that you have to see the doctor if you are going to go off it. Now, a doctor has given me a new prescription and told me I have to make an appointment well in advance to renew the Citalopram and I can not miss even one day, as the effects can be very bad if you have been taking it.

You really NEED to go and see your doctor and tell the doctor of the really bad way you have been in recently and tell the doctor that you need help.

It's really serious - if you collapsed in the street and had to have help to get you home, you need someone to come out and see you.

And then your problems with not being able to go to work (that's fine and normal when you are sick, don't worry, no-one expects you to work when you are sick, a sick person cannot do their job and would only cause problems).

You just need to telephone your surgery and tell them that you need help, telling them what happened. Tell them that you need someone to come out and help you.

They ought to get a home help nurse, with some psychiatric experience and particularly with persons who are depressed, to come and visit you who should first of all help you deal with the pressing problems you have.

They'll like make sure your employers know what is happening and that they don't expect you to come and you are alright with that. You can't lose your job if you are sick, even for weeks. And then about getting enough money for your immediate concerns - like taking a bus or immediate payments that you need to make.

It is likely that a nurse would come out to see you once a day or so. Certainy you can ask for that - there are caring nurses ready who will do that, and social workers with similar training - they will decide which one should see you, but they both would do more or less the same thing.

You just need to telephone your surgery, and even the receptionist should be able to get in touch with someone to come out and see you very soon, and also then, they should inform the doctor about your bad experiences.

Make sure to say that you need someone to come and see you. Your position is definitely more serious than a case of you just going along to the doctor every so often.

It does happen that people suffering from depression NEED to have a visitor in the weeks when they are starting a new anti-depressant drug, because their behaviour or feelings are too off course, and because it is not enough just to visit the surgery every so often.

After that, when the patient seems to have adjusted to the drug, or when a new drug has to be given and that goes O.K., it is usually arranged for the patient to go to see the doctor every two days or once a week, when it's not necessary for a home visitor anymore.

But make sure to phone your surgery and tell them, so that this can happen, because it's really important. Take care. If you're still feeling nearly as bad, make sure to let others take care of you.

20

Gussy, What a life you have had, i was glued to your post, and it sounds like like you have come so far, and done so well. Although a sad life, you have shown so much courage and strength! Ever thought about writing a book? Or is it something you would prefer to be forgotten? You life definately gives inspiration to those who are living in self pity. Anything is possible and life can turn itself around but you have to make it. Well done and no doubt your little boy will grow up with the same strength you have, he has a good role model as a mum.

G.M.C, I dont think BadGirl is taking her tablets correctly anyways, and she is drinking heavily at the same time anyways. Your advice is good, but isnt something she hasnt heard before as I said the same thing to her a few months ago, the sound advice she is given goes in one ear and out the other. She will hopefully wake up one day and realise she has to make the change, then again maybe she wont. Some people just dont have the drive or determination to make a difference in their life. I feel BadGirl is just seeking attention, and wants someone to help her but we can't help her on here.

BadGirl, Does any of these posts make you realise you need to have the inner strength to get through this rough time?