Thanks for your support, emma.
I am convinced that I do not need this medication and that in my case it was prescribed incorrectly, despite the GP's best intentions.
She was originally going to describe a beta blocker for a specific anxiety issue (as far as I can deduce), but on seeing me for the second time, she must have decided, because of the state that I was in, that I had depression.
The reason I was in the state I was in, I have now realised, was extreme distress that I had no-one I could unburden to (absolutely no-one), and that in raking into my past, I had opened unhealed wounds. Having, at times, extremely low self-esteem (I can seem confident, but it doesn't take much to knock me flat), I was in a state of anxiety about what to tell the GP. Would she judge me, think I was a drama queen, or narcissist?
She was very kind (which I am so unused to, chiefly because I usually never give people the chance to be nice, fearing rejection!) that I "lost it" again), and told me that I'd done amazingly well to hold things together given life events I'd had. This reminded me that I was once able to believe this myself (at a time when I was generally happy and pretty well-balanced). I used to believe in myself more, not because I'm a braggart, but because I acknowledged that probably many others would have ended up in the same boat as myself in the same circumstances, (instead of telling myself I'm a total failure, a thought that can come too easily).
The GP's sympathy made me feel much better, so much so that I wasn't sure whether I needed the Sertraline. But I decided that maybe I'd better try it because she wanted me to, and I trusted her, and because I wasn't sure if my better mood was deception.
After I had the terrible reaction to the drug, I gave myself a talking to, telling myself that my body deserved better than this horrendous treatment.
I am pretty confident that I suffered serotonin toxicity. I take a lot of exercise, far more than the amount suggested to achieve a good serotonin level. I am convinced therefore, that I suffered a serotonin overdose due to the Sertaline. (According to what I've read, I should actually have gone to A & E).
Much self-examination, helped by the awfulness of the experience, has, I am convinced, revealed the source of my problem. I was still feeling suppressed guilt due to events surrounding the death of my mother, 15 years ago, which I'd hidden from myself but not resolved. As a cancer treatment professional, I blamed myself for not realising that she had ovarian cancer (in fact, even consultants, scans etc missed this often very difficult-to-diagnose disease) and I blamed myself that I was not there when she died, (I'd left the hospital about an hour before, for reasons too complicated to explain briefly) and felt I was a coward. Mercifully, I had already said goodbye, and healed the painful rift which had grown between us (as I felt). Sadly, I did not see her very peaceful end: my memories are of some rather distressing events in preceding days. To see her fall asleep peacefully was sadly, a comfort I unwittingly denied myself and might have saved me much disterss (I hadn;t expected her to pass away so quickly).
All of these things are clear to me now. I think I've become a better, more insightful person over this awful journey of the past few weeks, and am sure that further counselling will mend me, without the drug.
I am not at all trying to suggest that Sertaline is not a great thing in appropriate circumstances. I just don't think it was appropriate in my case.
Very best wishes,
Dave
(sorry this is so long!)