I was infected with HSV1 genitally 9 months ago. It has been the worst time of my life, more psychologically than anything. I developed severe depression and anxiety, and for a long time I thought I wouldn't live to see my 20th birthday. My boyfriend at the time knew he had core sores, had gone to the doctor about it, but apparently didn't know that meant he had HSV1. He had performed oral sex on me before, but I didn't actually get the disease until the day I lost my virginity. I needed prescription pain killers just to walk to the bathroom. The physical pain was horrifying.
I just found this website and wanted to post here to look for advice and a community of people that can help me go through this difficult time. I think the most difficult part for me was thinking that I would never find someone who could accept this part of me, how I would have to relive the pain of telling someone new over and over again, and accept rejections and ridicule from people who can't look past a very treatable condition and see the person inside. I definitely feel a lot better about it now.
I met someone when I was going through the middle of this mess. I didn't tell him anything because I was scared of facing my fears so soon. I was still dealing with accepting my new circumstances myself, and I didn't want to add the pain of rejection on top of everything else I was feeling. He started off as a friend, but then developed into something more.
I recently told him that I had HSV1. I was so scared and heart broken that he would not want to be with me, especially when he told me he had to think about it. Of course I understood, truly I did, it just sucks being on the other side of the ladder waiting on someone to decide if you're worth it.
The main reason I am posting here, is that he was wondering if I could have given him oral HSV1. I asked my doctor when I first found out I was infected if "there was any chance I could give this to someone else through kissing, sharing a drink, etc" and she told me no. However, I never got tested for oral HSV1, so there is no way I could really know for sure. I didn't really realize this until he mentioned it to me, and it made me feel truly terrible. I would never want to put someone anywhere near what I went through. He has never gotten a cold sore, and neither have I, but I realize that there could be a risk I could have it too. I wish the doctor would have told me this. I heard its hard to get tested when you don't have sores, and an antibody test wouldn't help since I have it genitally.
We abstain from kissing and pretty much everything. Our relationship is more like hugs and kisses on the cheek. Of course I understand, but I can't help but feel diseased sometimes. Surprisingly, he told me that he wanted to have sex with me. I found this hard to wrap my head around, as having sex would definitely pose a greater of a risk than kissing me, as I may not even have oral HSV1. I am definitely not ready to have sex again, and when I do feel ready, I want to make sure I have all of the information to make sure I can protect my partner.
Anyways, I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice. Whether they be comforting words, suggestions/ ideas how to get checked for oral HSV1, or even ways i can prevent transmission when I am ready to have sex again, I would really appreciate it. This road has been incredibly difficult, but I think that the worse is over now. I'm really ready to face what this means and how to move on with my life. Thanks in advance!