I've engage in self harming behavior since spring of 2009. Last year in January was the last time I cut my shins and calves, and I was able to go an entire year and two months without hurting myself. But this morning, I relapsed, and I relapsed hard. I've also been crying on and off for 3 days. I am supposed to be starting Lamictal soon to try and help stablize how rapid my emotions fluxuate and, hopefully, curb the suicidal thoughts I've been experiencing.
I feel like an absolute failure. I was doing okay for that while, and used sheer willpower to stop myself from cutting. But this morning I lost a piece of an earring (one of my favorite earrings, too) and it just pushed me over the edge. I thought about slitting my wrists last night, and was able to stop myself from doing that, but I still cried all night. I've also started to wonder if maybe I don't really want to get better. If I really wanted to get better, then I wouldn't have cut myself, or cried for 3 days, or rely so much on the crisis hotlines provided to me, or need to go see my therapist every 2 weeks. It's like my body's bad chemistry is delibrately working against me and trying to sabotage my recovery. And I just don't have the willpower to fight back anymore. I just want to die so I don't have to deal with any of this anymore. I'm at my witts end and I don't know what else to do or where to go.
Hi there is another way to look at this. You have gone well over a year without relapsing which is great so praise yourself for that. You were doing more than ok you were doing brilliantly. You know you can do it so get yourself back on track and stop again now. You are only human so don't beat yourself up please.
You say you are starting a new med - well give it time to start helping you. Make a vow you will keep off the self harm until it's had time to take effect.
If you didn't want to get better you would not be trying to hard and making the effort to see your counsellor would you? Or to contact the crisis hotlines. You are doing your best to help yourself which is great. These negative thoughts are the depression kicking you and you know you can't trust those. So listen to your family/friends and us on here who are doing the best we can to help and support you.
Kicking depression into touch can take a long time so be patient with yourself and hang on to the hope that you will do it one day. Ring up your crisis hotline and tell them what you have done and ask for help. Also let your therapist know.
Keep the faith, keep calm and carry on fighting. We will support and help you all we can, so stay with us and talk to us. Take care sweetheart. Bev xxx
Hi hun. I agree with bev. I think i speak for myself & others when u relapse in whatever mechanism u use to cope. The negative emotions are immediately @ war with the rest of your'e body telling u u cant do it just give up.... but u did it for so long u can do it again. I for one believe i you xxx big hugs kp on keepin on xx were here love mandy ♡ xx