Hello, I have been suffering from anxiety and panic disorder since I was a teenager. And since I was a teenager I also dated the same perfect man - but the two things are not related, anxiety came first. Anyway, now I am 27 and we have been together for 11 years (I know, it's crazy), even though 8 of those were long-distance. We changed cities a lot, some years we were just a two-hours train ride and would see each other every weekend, but in the last 3 years I was in London and he was in Italy so the long-distance was really challenging. At some points of the relationship I developed severe relationship anxiety, with periods when I was extremely clingy, jealous and convinced he didn't love me, and wouldn't be able to think of anything else, imagining him cheating on me constantly. None of that was true, of course. He is a wonderful person who truly loves me and has always understood me, supported me and forgiven all of my anxiety-related madness. He's a psychologist, so knows how all this works. Last year he moved to London to try to make it work. His English is average and he couldn't find a job in his field; he became increasingly depressed and wouldn't get out of the house. Living in London with him was my dream and I wanted with all my heart for it to work, but I could see him suffering and eventually after six months we agreed he needed to go back to Italy. I was devastated but I managed to find a very good job in Rome and followed him six months later. When I got the job and announced I was leaving I was really sad, because I love London, I made friends there and felt like I belonged. That lack of excitement for finally reuniting with my boyfriend started to freak me out: a horrible, intrusive thought got stuck in my head, that i don't love him anymore. But I went ahead anyway with the move, disregarding it as pure and simple fear of change. At first it was popping up only when I was particularly stressed by the move: in just a couple months I had to leave my flat in London, leave my job, say goodbye to my friends, move countries, find a flat in Rome, start this new exciting but also high pressure job, and also move in with my boyfriend for real this time, after so many years apart. The stress level was high. I moved to Rome, in this lovely flat we chose together - but he actually moved in only a couple months later, cos he was working in a nearby city and had a few months notice. At that point I had forgotten my initial anxiety and just couldn't wait for him to come and our new life to begin. I felt uneasy but thought that it was because I was stressed by the new job and was alone in a city where I didn't know anyone. But then he moved in - and on the same day I had the biggest anxiety attack of my life. I was sick for 12 hours straight, vomiting and trembling, convinced 100% I didn't love him anymore and everything I did up to that moment was total crap and a lie. It was terrifying, I never experienced anything like it before. I immediately seeked help - I am going to therapy and we are trying to understand what's happening. It's been a month now and the intrusive thoughts are torturing me daily. When he's with me I'm okay, I can even be happy sometimes, enjoy myself, and we still have great sex, and I still tell him I love him and firmly believe it. But it's like there is a voice in my head constantly saying 'you're faking it because you feel guilty'. I talked to him about it and he thinks it's the pressure of all these changes and the fact that maybe I haven't gotten over sacrificing my London dream. He is being so helpful, meditating with me every day, listening to my ramblings without ever losing his cool. He keeps telling me whatever it is, even in the worst case scenario, we will be okay, together or apart. I am so greatful for him - he's my person and my best friend and I cannot stand hurting him. But I keep thinking I am faking it - that I don't love him, that I don't want this life, even though it's all I dreamed of for so many years, for us to close the distance and get married and have kids and stay together forever. In 11 years of relationship I never once doubted my feelings for him and it's killing me to look at him in the eyes and not always know how I truly feel. The more days pass the more I struggle to separate what is real to what is not real, and I re-play old memories in a negative way that is making me feel like I stopped loving him long ago and didn't realize. Sometimes he makes me laugh or smile and a voice in my head says that I am not really smiling, even though i am. Sometimes I feel the urge to kiss him or hug him and right after the same voice says I am doing it out of habit. The intrusive thoughts are twisting my reality to the point I sometimes am certain I want to leave, and the sense of guilt is unbearable. It's horrifying especially as I still feel so connected to him, still really enjoy sex with him, still talk to him about everything, still feel like he's the best person I will ever meet. I am trying CBT but it's so slow. It's incredibly painful and I am constantly looking for some kind of relief - I hope I find some here. Thanks everyone for listening, any opinion welcome.
hear my story im from south asia pakistan and my Girl friend is scottish we were in a long distance relationship for 7 years i met this girl on twitter when i was 18 and now im 24 and she’s my wife now long distance will make your relationship stronger its your personal matter so idk what to say But calm down relax everything will be fine n alright jus Relax
Wow, that is a really intense story, one that I think a lot of people can identify with, and having spent a lot of time in long distance relationships with someone from another culture I really sympathise. we have been together 15 years and still haven’t found the ‘right’ place, where we can both be where we want to be, speaking our native languages, with jobs we enjoy. SO we keep moving and moving and moving… which also makes life interesting and challenging.
To me it seems these are feelings of buried resentment against him for making you leave a place you wanted to be and for making your life so complicated-- feelings you don’t want to have and are resisting as strongly as you can. You might have to find some way to resolve this, maybe by agreeing that there will be some periods for ‘you’ where you you agree to be where you want to be, and some periods for him, so that you know it’s not always going to be Rome, forever. That can be very hard in practice though.
It sounds as if he is someone to stay with but you also have to allow yourself an outlet – maybe start by going back often to London, which is a cheap flight from Rome? That might help you resolve some of your feelings?