Hi everyone reading
I have been a member of this forum for a couple years and I have taken part in the odd discussion and have lurked for a short while. This may be a long winded post or not as my mind is completely erratic, so apologies if my post is a little drawn out and all over the place.
I had a breakdown toward the late autumn of 2017. This was prior to me attending University. I experienced mental issues that dwarfed anything else I had experienced ever, by a incomprehensible margin. This lasted months at its most severe and I was prescribed therapy as well as antidepressants and benzodiazepines, namely Citalopram and Diazepam. They aided in a partial recovery as I readjusted to life with a more exasperated form of, what was, already present anxiety. I attended multiple sessions of CBT with minimal to no benefit and this culminated in myself being placed under the care of multiple different therapists, all with different methods and approaches. This, compounded with my anxiety caused a deteriation in my mental health as well as my initial optimism for therapy.
A significant number of them flirted with the idea of Autism due to: my mannerisms in speech; attention to certain patterns and consistencies; childhood behaviourial patterns and difficulty to interact with others, among other things. This has been significantly muddied due to my doctor having a conflicting opinion concerning a spectrum disorder, insisting they do not see it present. The issue with this is, they sent me to be assessed for ADHD rather than autism, could this be a potential mistake or does autism fall under the same team of sorts?
Eventually the efficacy of the Citalopram wore off and I was moved to Mirtazapine. Initially I noticed a weight gain compounded with a significant increase of anger and angry thoughts (A disclaimer that I am in no way attempting to trivialise the benefits of the drug, this is purely a personal experience.) that eventually culminated in me having to be admitted to hospital for fear of seriously hurting myself.
I was then moved to Sertraline and I have been abstaining from taking it for nearly 6 months now purely out of my tepidness from my experience of Mirtazapine.
Recently I had the hope of my anxiety lifting at least in the concept of getting out in the local area to meet a friend under supervision or attempting to make plans in the future, as I am a family orientated person. However, I took a trip to York (in which I am currently on my 2nd day) and my anxiety struck with the same intensity of when I initially had the breakdown. I was wondering if this could have been as a result of PTSD of my past with University combined with being far from a familiar location that has all my family there.
I really feel as if I am taking steps back and I will regress into the state I was in previously. I get these all encompassing waves of fear that come from the pit of my stomach outward. I am worrying again about the health of those close to me and cant get my head out of 20 years in the future. I did smoke Cannabis on a regular basis to which I have made the decision to abstain from as well as any thoughts of attempting anything else that could exasperate any symptoms, which I am looking forward to seeing the results of.
To finalise and collect my thoughts I just have questions.
Why have I suddenly relapsed? Is it because I have PTSD of a University environment? I feel as if my life plans are slipping through my hands and I cant find the will to avoid this. I feel like a spectator to my own life in a way that I have no will to make the changes. I have tried but it feels like I hit a plateau pretty quick on the journey, is there any advice on that?
I feel as if I could write forever and sorry I have dragged on so much but I did not know where I could turn, feeling like this. I have so much I want to ask but I cant even collect my thoughts due to them racing in my mind.
I hope this relapse is temporary and I can overcome it but I am just so upset about it. It has been nearly 2 years and I am not getting younger. I am turning 20 soon and I am terrified of this wresting control of my life and not having the opportunity to live, it is as if my life is over before it has begun. I feel like I am shackled and forced to replay every wrong action all the while worrying about anything I can rest my mind on, which puts me in a state of ignorance where I shut out all stimuli. I am so worried years will pass and I will have nothing to show.
I will end it here since I am just going to keep typing for hours. Thank you very much to all who have read up to here, you are all such caring individuals with huge hearts.
Best Wishes, Kyle