sat here crying......I've had enough, I give up!!!

Mental health
1

Well it's official, I am at rock bottom, I thought I was far far away from this dark miserable place, turns out I was just fooling myself.

My very dear friend died of cancer at the young age of 36 and yesterday was her funeral, I cried and cried and she will always be in my thoughts.

I haven't had a panic attack since starting my meds, its been fantastic apart from the past few days when my anxiety made a come back followed closely by panic attacks. So bad are these panic attacks I haven't slept at all last night as everytime I closed my eyes and started to relax a panic attack jumped me awake.

I'm so tired physically and mentally, I'm out of ideas and about ready to give up completely. I'm sick of them now 😭

2

Hello danielle,

Rock bottom is a very bad place to be.  So, how long do you desire to be at "rock bottom"?  Understandable you feel sad and blue, over the death of your young friend.  Understandable also if you have panic attacks and an anxiety disorder that it would come back in resurgance to you.  Understandable also that if you are at rock bottom, then that is a good thing........because you cannot go any lower than you are now.

Death in this world is an every day occurrance, and it hits the hardest when you lose someone by death.  It is ok to feel as you do, because you have a very true valid reason for having the blues, being sad, even be depressed.

What counts, however, is the fact of how long will you allow yourself to grieve.  Understand that grief is just not a one step thing, but there are several steps to grief that one has to go through to work their way through this ugly thing.  The final step is accepting the loss for what it is, and please do what you state -- never forget your friend.  That is the one thing she would have wanted in the first place.

Thank your stars that it was not you being where she is now.  Also remember she must have suffered so terribly with cancer, and now she doesn't have to deal with that any more.

Allow yourself to grieve, however much time it takes, and come off of the anxiety and panic attack routine.  You must be a warm, beautiful person to care for your friend as you seem to care.  Question!  Would she want you to be having what you are now going through?  I would think not, if she was as good a friend as you seem to be to her.

So, what are you fearful of that now brings back the panic attacks and anxiety?  Death means being alone from your close relationship.  Are you afraid of being alone and/or death yourself.  Wasted time and wasted emotions.  Grieve the right way, even feeling at the bottom of the barrell, then pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and look forward into the future.  Reach out to those you trust and hang on to all your friends, because believe me, one day you will lose another - or the worse, you will lose you!

3

Thanks for the reply Ray, I'm afraid in my haste I forgot to put enough information in the post, you are right in one way, I do miss my friend and she will always be in my thoughts and heart.

To fully explain I have Thanatophobia which is basically a fear of my own inevitable death and not existing anymore, I'm not religious really so don't believe in afterlife's.

This fear came back with a vengeance last night, I've had no sleep and even as I write this am having panic attack after panic attack outbursts, which I have no control over.

At this very moment in time I've never felt so helpless and hopeless.

It scares me there's nothing i can do, say or take that will stop me dying.

I simply cant get over my fear as I cant tell myself it will never happen.....

4

Danielle life is like falling off a fifty story building. As you pass each floor you can always say so far so good. Think of it as a ride.  The thing is if you are always worried about what floor you're on you won't have any time to enjoy the ride. In fact you squarder the very life you could have lived. In stead of worrying about dying start living. What would make you happy? What do you want to do with the life that's been given to you?  There's a couple of homeopathic remedies that might help you. but I don't have enough information to really perscribe anything. I would need more symptoms. If on he other hand you're just very sad over your friend dying you might try something like Ignatia. Or maybe Natrum Muriaticum.  But what you need could just as easily be Phospherus. So instead maybe start thinking about all the things you want to do and make a list. And then go through the list and see what thing is on the list that you really, really want to do. Than go do it.  Even as your reading this you are already starting to see other possibilities. You're thinking, yes I would like to live. I would like to do this or that. So go ahead write it down. Guess what you're on the road to getting better. My guess while reading this you might have already laughed at least once as well. Yes. Am I right. So go live. None of us have time to do anything else. Hey you have my love and I'll bet you most people love you as well. So start living now and you won't have time to worry about anything at all. Go enjoy life and live. I think you like it.

5

Hi Danielle,

i'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend.

I have often wondered when I read your posts-do you live alone? Or do you have family or a partner around you while you are going through all of this

take care of yourself

lisax

 

6

danielle,

So far what you have received from several others, is right on.  People, though they might know you, care about you, your emotions, and what you go through in life.  You have the opportunity, now, to even make more friends, if you allow yourself to do so, even right on this forum, that reach back out to you.  No, no one will ever replace your friend and the friendship the two of you had.  And yes, like others, I am sorry for your loss of your friend, too.

Death rips your heart open, and makes you and everyone else feel just like you.  It is a blow to the conscious mind and spirit.  It is like searing heat so deep within, that you cannot control and you want to get rid of that sickening feeling.

I imagined that you did have a fear of dying, like many others within this world. Actually, I believe it goes a little further than just dying - it is putting your relatives and friends through what you are now experiencing that you fear the most. Hurting them.  Most of us cannot control death, because it will happen to each and everyone of us at some point within our lives.  And yes, when that does happen, most of our friends and relatives are going to be in pain, whether you desire it or not.  Some will be just like you, feeling the raw emotions that death causes.

Just know at least there are several people supporting you within this forum and feel for you what you are now experiencing.  Take heart in that, that complete strangers are there for you and are taking their time to console you.  We may not be as good as friend as your friend was to you, but we are showing we are friendly, and are supportive.

And, do not give up, as this problem of yours right now will heal.  May take as long a time as needed, but the old adage "time heals all wounds".  I have led a life that has been so hurtful, that stems back to 1947, tragedy after tragedy within my life.  I believed that time would never heal my deep emotional wounds and scars.  And, when I recently made a choice to change my attitude about life, and say so what, then I immediately began to feel better emotionally.

If one that has had such much tragedy and loss in their life can begin to change for the better, so then can you.

Take heart to all the advice given to you, and do reach out to your other friends, even friendly stragers like all those that responded.

We're pulling for you to get over this as soon as you go through all the steps of grief.  And, there is no set pattern as which step comes next.  You are unique about that, and your body will so inform you.  Online, type in the words in yor browser, "steps for the grief process", in order to learn all about grief, then you will certainly be on the right road to a full recovery.  Again, we all I am sure are hoping for that for you.

With warmest heartfelt feelings for you in this your troubling times.

7

Hey Lisa, Well the truth is I live with my partner and have full support from a lot of family members but its got to the point where no on knows what to say or do for me anymore, even my mum says to me she doesn't know what to do for me so, I don't know really.

Danielle x

8

Hi Danielle,

I am so glad to hear that you have a supportive partner and family.  Believe me it would be so much worse if you had no one  at all to turn to.  I know that you feel that you are back to square one because of your worsening symptoms but that's not true at all.  You have said yourself that the meds were working very well for you for 4 months-that progress that you made isn't now wiped out because you have started to feel a bit worse again.

You have just lost a close friend who tragically died at a young age.  That would test anyones strength and as you have been ill with anxiety the pain of this has worsened your symptoms.

I trully believe Danielle that this will pass as you come to terms with it.  I know its not easy to believe that when you are feeling so bad but it will.  Your medication was working and it will work again once you get over the shock.

Try to stick on in there and take comfort from those around you,

take care,

lisax

9

Hi Lisa,

You're a very wise person and I'm glad I have you helping on this forum.

Yesterday was the lowest I've been since before I started the meds, my mind wasn't even my own anymore, it was awful.

Don't mean to jinx myself but I'm feeling a bit better today, not 100% but a bit so hopefully that was a glitch due to the funeral.

Thank you all for your support through this difficult time and also I'd just like to say a big thank you to the Samaritans help line who I found out yesterday aren't just for suicidal feelings, I had a lovely lady just talk to me during my panic attack and by the end of the conversation we were both laughing and having, what seemed like, a normal chat but what was even nicer was the overall sense of calmness that washed over my whole body, it was like my body just let go of my anxiety and fears and just relaxed, it was the most amazing feeling I've ever felt and to say I didn't get any sleep at all Monday night I soon fell asleep after that phone call.

Best wishes to all

Danielle xxx

10

Hi Danielle,

that was a lovely thing that you said about me thank you.  I only wish it was true when it comes to myself.  I'm a bit older than you and also I can be a lot more logical when it comes to other peoples problems but when it comes to my own anxiety and depression i'm a total basket case lol.

Anyway im glad that you are starting to feel a bit better again and like you said hopefully it was as a result of the funeral that you started to deteriorate a bit.

I hope you continue to improve and if i see a post from you on here again i will answer if i think i can be of any help,

take care,

lisax

 

11

Have u considered therapy instead of or alongside meds? The things that trouble you will not I'm afraid be resolved with medication, it sounds like therapy would be more beneficial 

12

Hi Lisa, I know exactly what you mean, I'm good at dishing out the advice until it comes to myself and them I'm as much use as a chocolate fire guard :-S

I just wish I could figure out my own problems, that I was strong enough to overcome my fears.

Alas I'm far from that but can only hope some day I will be.

Danielle x

13

Hi jmcg,

yes I was supposed to be going to therapy but haven't as yet, they phoned me a few weeks ago with a contact number but by the time I remembered to listen to my voicemail to write the number down my phone had deleted it :-S so going to search for the number Monday and pray I find it.

It's called City Links, they took over from S2R (support to recovery) I'm finding it difficult to track them down.

Anyway will let you know if I'm successful in tracking them down.

Danielle x