Scared and need Advice

Mental health
1

I feel as though I am just coming out of a 6 month depression, I feel as though I am half way down the hill. 

Initially i believed this was my first bout of it but looking back on my life i think i have suffered mild depression off and on for years now. 

This however was my first case of Major Depression, and was the first time ever that I wanted to die. I was plagued with Panic and Anxiety for around two weeks and suddenly the thought of suicide came into my head but instead of it being a fleeting thought, It stuck and it scared the hell out of me. I realised at that point that it was depression. The next day it was worse I was filled with Panic, Fear and Anger and the Anxiety wouldnt let me be, and for a single moment I hated myself that much I wanted to die... Now, I am not suicidal. I have never tried to take my life and I have never planned to take my life, I love my life, and my family... Looking back on that moment now it just seems like I went insane. But what scares me is that it WAS me. Im so scared that this will never let me get better, That this one moment of Rage and Hatred will haunt me and keep me in my depression forever.... and im scared that it'll drag me down low enough to think that about myself again. I dont want to die!!!! 

Im taking Mirtazapine 15mg and having counselling, but im still so scared

Please Help

2

Hello. I can totally underst your fears of this awful disease as I have suffered with depression most of my life and I didn't know what was wrong with me until I got help in counseling. 

Thankfully you have a head start by being in therapy and have started the process of working on the underlying problems. No one can tell you that you won't go back there again but in my opinion you will recognize the symptoms faster and with the help of your therapist can ward off another very deep dip like you have had. 

We care here about you please keep us posted you can write day or night. Diane

3

Hi Health1001 - what you have written holds key expressions: "....for a single moment...' 'Looking back on that moment...' and '...this one moment...' That moment does not define you, all the other moments of your life define you. The situation you endured was not the authentic you, it was a manifestation of an ailment. You have done the right thing seeking help, meds and counselling. You will learn to recognise any triggers and how to cope with them. You are steering the ship now, it's not steering you. Express your fears to the counsellor if you have not already. If you are not comfortable or feel you are not being heard, seek another counsellor. This journey of self discovery will take as long as it takes.